Yeah you can do it with white wine too. Genius. Make an old chicken your bitch. The French have been doing it for years. Not like that though… well, maybe just in the country.

You can see all the stuff that went into this except a bottle, or lets face it, half a 2 liter goon sack of white wine, and a tin of tomatoes. But they were definitely in there. Trust me. Baha… bahahahahahahahahabaha…

Chicken, bacon, onions, mushroom, garlic, bouquet garni, a lemon.

A bouquet garni looks something like this.

And nothing at all like this.

Right about this stage I am more than happy to just eat the fried bacon, onions and mushrooms. Damn they smell good. But instead I push through the smell barrier, and continue with this dish that will not be bacon, onions and mushrooms on toast, it will be COQ AU VIN BLANC.

Put the wine and tomatoes in now. Don’t be afraid to chuck a tin of lentils or cannellini bean in either. I would’ve, but for me it’s one of those days that I just don’t have any of the things I should have in my larder. Don’t judge me… c’mon, let’s get over this. Simmer over low heat or put it in the oven for 1hr at 160C. I like the little caramelised bits that come from baking it in the oven…

And now for some sides…

Crushed potatoes with cheese. A type of aligot. Traditionally a potato purée containing up to half it’s weight of Tomme cheese. The French invented it. Do I need to say more? No, that’s right, make potatoes your bitch too.

Pan fry cauliflower with olive oil, whole garlic, a tablespoon of cumin seeds and a handful of chopped bread AKA. Croutons. Then finish it with a handful of chopped parsley, a squeeze of lemon juice and a heap of salt and pepper. What? Don’t like cauliflower. Well eff you… You’re gonna love the next side dish. Just try it damn you. Damn you.

Pan fry the Brussels sprouts with some bacon or ham, and a heap of butter and salt and pepper. Just for five or six minutes so they’re still a little al dente (you know what that means by now, yes?). Eat it damn you.

Have you invited hooligans over yet? Well… get on the phone. You got a phone don’t you? I’ll try Mark and Kate (always good for a chat about the ol’ days, current affairs and the odd bottle of red), AJ (duck farmer, has an opinion on everything, likes a good debate and peroni beer) and, of course, my lovely wife Jen (tormentor of my mind, antagonist of Aj, and all round top bird). Done. I’m ready to eat.

Man if I was a dog right now I would be licking my balls in shear delight. Brilliant. Brilliant.

Mark and Kate left rosey cheeked (could have been the near Arctic temperature, could have been the wine…) and satiated, as did AJ. Well actually AJ stayed in the guest room. He’s learnt how to make the bed very well though, so he’s welcome anytime. You got me, another lie. He can stay once a week. Twice tops.