So me ol’ mate Sammy the Gelfling is back… And I think she is of boyfriend, or girlfriend, or jungle bunny, or gigolo, or something… who am I to pass judgment? I’m just a lowly cook. Anyway I think that’s really quite cute. There is nothing cuter than a Gelfling with boyfriend. I think this is maybe why we haven’t heard from her for so long. But that’s none of our business really is it…

For my recipe challenge today she has offered me ling (which is a fish for anyone out there who thinks it may be something other then a fish), mushrooms, asparagus and Mexican chilli beans in a can. Sometimes I think Sammy may think I am a magician. Other times I think I am a magician and I have the ability to pull flowers from my sleeve, or a rabbit from a hat. But alas, the only flowers I know, I will pull from the neighbour’s prize winning rose garden on Valentines Day, and often I wear a hat while cooking rabbit chasseur… Mostly because I think it makes me look more authentically French. It’s an old school Euro hunting cap. Anyway, that said, I shall not be using the chilli beans for this challenge. Save them for your nachos tomorrow.

This could be our most audacious venture yet…

Roasted fillet of ling, confit mushrooms, asparagus, and hollandaise sauce

Confit mushrooms. Yes confit mushrooms. Poached in the magical amber fluid gold that from this day forth shall be known as butter. And then we’re going to dress that little puppy with more butter AKA hollandaise sauce. Don’t be afraid. If you’re gonna be afraid there’s heaps more scary things to be afraid of. Like spam… Or those cooked fertilized chicken embryo eggs you can get in Asia… Or carnies. And let’s face it. This is not everyday food. Everyday food is something like fruit… or pork.

The ling
Grill or panfry or roast (It’s a firm fish. Firm like David Hasselhoff’s buttocks. And is suited to most cooking methods) the ling like you would grill, panfry or roast a piece of ling. 10-15 minutes should do the trick depending on the size of the fillets. .

Asparagus
Blanch or steam the asparagus briefly so it stills has a little crunch. You can handle that one by now for sure, eh.

Confit mushrooms
A big handful of mushrooms
500g butter (It’s your friend)
A few sprigs of thyme
A few cloves of garlic
• Trim the stalks off your mushrooms and poach in your butter and other stuff, just ticking over, for 15 minutes. Remove with a slotted spoon and drain on absorbent paper to serve.

Hollandaise sauce (make this just before you cook the fish)
3 egg yolks
250g unsalted butter, clarified (heat to separate the butter fat from the milk solids. Leave the solids behind)
2 tablespoons lemon juice, freshly squeezed please
A splash of lukewarm water
Seasoning
• Place a large bowl over a medium pot of simmering water. This is called a bain-marie… Or a bain-maria if you are an apprentice I work with (sorry Shantell but you gotta work this shit out)
• Add the egg yolks and whisk continuously until starting to thicken – not scramble
• Remove the bowl (get your flat mate to hold it for you now. The bowl, that is you grotty little effer) and very gradually whisk in the butter. Bit by bit. Very slowly. And you will see it start to bind and thicken. Add a drop of water when it starts to get tar thick, just to loosen it up a bit
• Once you have whisked in all of your butter add lemon juice and a little seasoning. You could also add a teaspoon of chilli sambal or a splash of hot sauce if you’re into that. If it tastes like it needs a bit more salty or sourness, use your smart brains to rectify that

To plate up
Plate it up like you are a champion of French bistro fare. Douse it with some fresh herbs. Parsley, chervil, chives, tarragon… EAT IT IN YOUR FACE!

And lets finish todays lesson with a word to use in conversations about this blog to your friends (I’m sorry but that was sarcasm. It is clear to me that you don’t talk about this blog to your friends by our bad ratings. Thanks a lot)

catachresis
[kat-uh-KREE-sis]

Definition: misuse or strained use of words in error or for rhetorical effect.
noun

1. Misuse or strained use of words, as in a mixed metaphor, occurring either in error or for rhetorical effect.

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And the result from Sammy. Great work I say. And she did comment that the mushrooms were particularly delicious and easy. I’ll leave it at that…