Left-over Rolls for the Kids

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Cooking for kids.

Just a little FYI; cooking for kids is totally different to cooking four kids (I know the more astute amongst you may be raising your eyebrows right now at my barely copacetic use of the English language and this little jab at the less grammar inclined amongst use, but fuck, even I can sort out that kind of English so I’ll take that little jab at whom ever I want). While the former is widely accepted as an almost (oh yes I did mean to say almost. Wittysocialcommentaryisthebestshitever) daily occurrence for most parents out there, the later is, well, more a project that would be appropriate for a family gathering of cannibals or other like minded beings… possibly with a penchant for the human veal…

I shall end this short foray into the world of illiterate cannibals quickly though, as I have no desire to find myself under investigation by the AFP… again.

This is some damn easy using up your left-overs but still maintaining a sense of cessation from the original meal type cooking, and let’s face it; there’s not many things out there that don’t taste damn fine wrapped in puff pastry and baked in a moderate oven for 20-30 minutes or until beautiful and golden. All you need is some frozen puff pastry sheets, some left over vegetables from last night’s dinner (like you would use for bubble and squeak or hash if you were in the US of A), some leftover roast meaty goodness or a bit of bacon, cheese, an egg and about 15 minutes to put it all together.

#easytastygood

You’re welcome.

Roll them up just like this

Roll them up just like this

Cut into two or three sections per roll, egg wash and hit them with sesame seeds

Cut into two or three sections per roll, egg wash and hit them with sesame seeds

Bake for 20-30 minutes, or until they look just like these

Bake for 20-30 minutes, or until they look just like these

LEFT-OVER ROLLS FOR THE KIDS (and you too, if you’re keen)

4 cups cooked vegetables (preferably not just zucchini and brussels sprouts… potato is a good start… peas… corn, etc), roughly chopped
1-2 cups cooked meat, bacon or smoked sausage, shredded/chopped
1 cup grated cheddar or a cheese that your kids are into
1 egg, plus 1 egg extra for egg basting
A splash of milk
4 sheets frozen puff pastry
Sesame seeds, to top
Tomato relish or sauce (ketchup) to serve

• Preheat oven to 180C
• Take the pastry sheets out to defrost
• Combine meat, vegetables, cheese and egg, and give it a good mix with the fingers on the end of your hands. Mush it up a bit
• Divide the mix between the four sheets of pastry just like the pictures show you
• Roll into big sausage roll type things
• Transfer to a lined baking tray with the seem side down, and cut into 2-3 segments per roll
• Beat egg with a splash of milk
• Use egg wash to baste the rolls, sprinkle with sesame and bake for 20-30 minutes until golden, puffy and delicious smelling

Easter-ness

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Mmmmm. Roast lamb in the fire

Mmmmm. Roast lamb in the fire

I know. I’ve been offline for over a week now and all I have to offer is the same ol’ tale of a man who works in the hospitality industry and is tied to the stoves during holiday periods. A man who loves the customers that demand so much of him during these times. A man who always returns home with a smile on his face… mostly. A man who talks an awful lot of bollocks… definitely. Anyway, I am back like a dirty old stalker. You will never really get rid of me. I’ll always be there, lurking in the shadows, just around the corner, armed only with my dirty beard and mind.

Cyberdyne industries is ready to go online.

Our humble home played host to another couple of guests this week; me old mates Nozza and Troppo. These guys are some of my favourite peeps in the world, so needless to say, I couldn’t spend my whole time on the tappy-key-screen-thing writing stories for you… that may have been mostly because I was drunk… or cooking… sometimes both.

So Nozza and Troppo were here. We, as good hosts, thought it appropriate to start with some canapés and witty banter, and then realised we were far from this “good hosts” couple we were speaking of, so we started off in the usual manner; beer consumption and stories of times gone by…

Old skool catch-ups are the best.

We were both by-standers and protagonists in the over-consumption of Easter eggs. We ate hot crossed buns for no other reason than “because it is Easter”. I like to anoint a toasty grilled bun with something similar to it’s own weight in butter – really lube that shit up. We also ate many great food. Very, very nice indeed. And what, may I ask you, would any festive type holiday period be with the consumption of a beverage or two? That’s right; it wouldn’t be a very fucking festive holiday at all, would it? So we also drank festive amounts of booze.

When all was said and done, and chocolate eggs eaten and dodgy theories about Easter discussed, this was a damn fine weekend. It was a weekend I needed like a royal needs stupid looking pets and what can only be described as WTF sporting obsessions.

This shall be somewhat of a visual diary of the week that has past.

Duck sausage, pork rib, mushroom and kale pasta

Duck sausage, pork rib, mushroom and kale pasta

The photo doesn't look that crash hot but this shit tasted good

The photo doesn’t look that crash hot but this shit tasted good

Chicken, coconut and kaffir lime broth, noodles and dumplings

Chicken, coconut and kaffir lime broth, noodles and dumplings

Have heaps of lime with this one

Have heaps of lime with this one

Lamby rubbed down with garlic, anchovies, preserved lemon and rosemary followed by three hours in the coals of the fire

Lamby rubbed down with garlic, anchovies, preserved lemon and rosemary followed by three hours in the coals of the fire

Nothing wrong with this picture

Nothing wrong with this picture

Served up with roasted potatoes and baby capsicum from the coals and chickpea and cavolo nero pilaff

Served up with roasted potatoes and baby capsicum from the coals and chickpea and cavolo nero pilaff

That pilaff

That pilaf

The boys made frittata omelette for breakfast

The boys made frittata omelette for breakfast

Tomato, mushrooms, cheese and herbs… and fully made by the kids to boot

Tomato, mushrooms, cheese and herbs… and fully made by the kids to boot

I hope it was a good one and fulfilled all expectations for you and yours. Lots of love from your friends at foodisthebestshitever.

Chocolate chip and goji berry cookies… and the kids go back to school

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Obi wants them now

Obi wants them now

Today, Wednesday the 29th of January is a day of celebration. Today, at the chime of 9am, you shall hear the collective sigh of tens of thousands of parents of school aged children in New South Wales as they hand their kids over to the sometimes –dubious state school system. That’s right folks, the kids are back to school. One month of summer holidays has finally come to a close. No more “daaaad what can I do?” or “daaaad I’m hungry” or shitty cartoon theme songs (actually, I do mostly like the cartoons). No more kids eating away at each others ability to bare the pain of the others flickering, snake-like tongue. No more… well… ummm, they really are great kids (just like me when I was younger), but they have really had enough of hanging out with each other (and us) 24/7.

 

But with the promise of an end to the pain and suffering comes the dawning of another reality; school lunches. Time to pull our heads back into gear and into the routine of lunches, fruit break, snacks etc… and while we’re at it I really must remember I need to pick the kids up from the bus on the way home from work… shit, and canteen too.

 

So yesterday, in one final last ditch effort to keep a child amused for a minute or two, I decided we would make some cookies for the school lunch boxes (not because the school lunch boxes live and breath and have a penchant for eating cookies, but because that is what the kids take their lunch to school in).

 

Not being the owner of a noticeable or proud sweet tooth, I summoned the force that always helps me to conquer these obstacles… to climb higher, faster, stronger… my inner personal trainer and crème puff guardian angel… the force of… Jennee (ex-pastry chef and lover of sweet things. I guess that’s where I come into the picture). It was quite simple really, a quick call and next thing I know there is a message on my phone saying, and I quote, “check the emails bitch”. So check the emails I did. The recipe I received from Jennee seemed to be the goods, and I base this assumption on absolutely no cookie baking experience, but still I thought it could use a bit of the ol’ Grazza je ne sais quoi. So I changed a couple of things and these cookies still turned out pretty damn good. Nice and crunchy, chocolatey and goji-ish which are a few of the things I like to see in my cookies. Just don’t try and bake these puppies at 190C because they do get pretty dark pretty quickly. Lesson learned. Here’s how we rolled…

 

Press them onto oven trays lined with baking paper

Press them onto oven trays lined with baking paper

Nom, nom, nom. Where's my cup of tea, woman?

Nom, nom, nom. Where’s my cup of tea, woman?

Choc chip and goji berry cookies

150g unsalted butter, softened

½ cup caster sugar

½ cup brown sugar

1 teaspoon vanilla extract

1 egg

1 cup plain flour

¾ cup almond meal

½ cup dark chocolate chips

½ cup goji berries

  • Preheat a fan-forced oven to 150C
  • Cream the butter and sugar
  • Add egg and mix well
  • Add vanilla, flour and almond meal and mix well
  • Stir through choc chips and goji berries
  • Press cookies out into cookie sized type things and place on a lined baking tray, leaving 3cm space in between
  • Bake for 15 minutes at 150C
  • Cool and then eat, or eat straight from the oven and risk 3rd degree burns on the roof of your mouth from the molten lava chocolate
  • Don’t forget to save some for the kids lunch boxes

 

Love you boys. Have a great day!

Free tata… free tata

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Free tata! Free tata. What has tata ever done to you?

Frittata has done nothing but good things for your life. It is a noble conduit for last day of the holiday left overs, which would normally be thrown to the Yogi Bear-esque “wild life” that gathers at your back door every morning. In turn they would make it into sandwiches to sell at the sandwich bar down the road. Wild life has got to make a living somehow. How do you think they afford all of those swell fur coats? Singing for nickles and dimes? No. Making gourmet sandwiches…

Free tata. Free ta… Hmmm

So frittata is the holiday refrigerators best friend (Seriously, I see them hanging out at the beach and everything). It will happily relieve you of the left overs from last nights cheese plate, charcuterie, smoked salmon, caviar, herbs, spinach, tomato, spam… I don’t know what you eat on holiday but I’m sure frittata could take your left overs and turn them into something totally awesome. Like, maybe a swell pair of leather moccasins…

The eggs are like a blank canvas… your leftovers are the spectrum of colours… you are nothing short of a modern Vincent Van Gogh (maybe just try to keep your ears in tact…).

My only suggestion to aid your psychopathic criminal rehab art class egg work is a non-stick pan that can be put in your oven (The pans with plastic handles that you can buy from the home shopping channel will quite possibly not be the best for this. But if you want to try it any ways maybe just get yourself a set of stoneware pans from that guy on TV, and get a rock’n’chop while you’re at it and Chef Tony will probably throw in a set of his shitty assed knives because he’d still have a ware house full of those things and I’ll look forward to seeing your dinner on cooksuck.com later in the week). It’s not essential but it will make your life better. Just like Jesus. You should get yourself a good pan that can kick it with the cool kids and just use it for things that get ruined when they stick; frittata, fillets of fish, your sheets…

Another good thing about the humble frittata is you can get your kids to make it for you, and let’s face it, it’s about time those little suckers started earning their keep! It is this easy…

You can't make a frittata without cracking eggs

You can’t make a frittata without cracking eggs

Look at the colour of those eggs baby. Home grown eggs never cease to amaze me

Look at the colour of those eggs baby. Home grown eggs never cease to amaze me

Obi's ham, gruyere and rocket

Obi’s ham, gruyere and rocket

IMG_4894

Looks damn fine

Whisk those eggs boy

Whisk those eggs boy

Sometimes the kids can get a little out of hand with their choice of fillings... Seba's sweet potato, sausage, mushroom and cheese supreme

Sometimes the kids can get a little out of hand with their choice of fillings… Seba’s sweet potato, sausage, mushroom and cheese supreme

IMG_5145

Chorizo, roast capsicum, jalepeno and parsley

Chorizo, roast capsicum, jalepeno and parsley

Breakfast on the last day of our stay in Montville was chorizo, sweet potato, tomato and provolone frittata

Breakfast on the last day of our stay in Montville was chorizo, sweet potato, tomato and provolone frittata

FRITTATA           

Some eggs, anywhere between 8-10

A splash of cream if you have some

Some fillings and flavours; anywhere from a few bits of cheese and some herbs, to anti pasto, cured meats and spinach – the works

A child to make it for you

  • Whisk the eggs, with the cream if you’re using it
  • Get an oiled pan over a medium heat. Wait until it is hot before you do anything
  • Is the pan hot? OK. Continue
  • Add half of the egg mix to the pan. Add your fillings except cheese if using. Season
  • Pour over remaining egg mix and top with cheese and a few herbs if you’ve got some
  • After 3-4 minutes on the stovetop place into a preheated 200C oven or under a grill (broiler). It should take between 10-15 minutes in the oven or about 5 or so minutes under the grill
  • Check to make sure it is cooked in the middle
  • Eat it hot or cold with chutney or relish or whatever you choose

So go out and free tata today… and put a child to work while you’re at it!*

*We here at foodisthebestshitever may not actually condone child slavery

Burgers for boy’s night

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Burgers for boy’s night

It was myself and my sons Seba and Obi, both young. Probably to young to be watching hardcore porn and drinking straight whiskey, but it was boy’s night so I’ll let the age thing slide. And we also had the company of their cousin Gareth, who was doing work experience at the restaurant I ran at the time. Needless to say, shit went down. And a lot of that shit shall not ever be repeated.

the drawing that got it all started (including knife and fork... crazy kid. Who eats a burger with a knife and fork?)

exhibit “A”. The drawing that got it all started (including knife and fork… crazy kid. Who eats a burger with a knife and fork?)

the cross section. So I did use a knife. Whatever dude

the cross section. So I did use a knife. Whatever dude

So this is how the burger went down. First it started kissing my chest, and then down to my abdomen and… whoa there nelly. Let’s keep this a C-grade comical story at the very least.

The protagonists and their steeds…

Obi. The instigator of the burger night through a drawing that made me desire a chicken burger since a few night ago. He drew a picture which we shall call exhibit “A”, and said picture had explicit detail of chicken, sausage, beetroot, lettuce, etc. Although a child’s drawing of a burger is all it takes to get me going, it was the excitement and feeling that was behind the explanation that really got me moist.

Seba. My eldest son. Eater of burgers of any race, colour or creed. He demolished a couple with the lot without a second thought.

Gareth. His mouth is an earthly end for a lot of food. And kudos to the little (a general tern of endearment, not his actual size) guy, he smothered all of the burgers he ate (yeah. ALL of the burgers. Implying that he didn’t eat just one or two burgers) in saricha hot chilli sauce. I wonder how he went the next day. His first burger was compiled thus; bun, chicko shnitto, egg, cheese, cucumber, pickle, lettuce, beetroot, mayonnaise, heaps of hot sauce. I was impressed with his love of hot sauce. I love hot sauce too. I also love hot, saucy women. Yeah that’s right Jennee.

this is how we do it

this is how we do it

yeah boyee

yeah boyee

Gareth earns his burger... no good enough for a second beer though

Gareth earns his burger… no good enough for a second beer though. Cheeky little bugger

That’s all. Go now and make a burger for thee shalt be happy.

But before I leave you today I would just like to mention that it would not surprise me in the slightest if I married a burger one day (if I ever break up with Jen). I’m sure there would be a massive protest and all of the villagers would come out with their pitch forks and goats horns and placards stating “God does not approve”. But me, not surprised at all, happy with my decision. I am in love with burgers and their seductive ways.

Re-reading that statement, maybe it would be wiser (not to mention the social acceptability) to open a burger joint… Recent studies have shown that half the people in the world love a good burger. Also, 50% of the people in the world make up half of the worlds population. Also, I may not be basing these findings on any factual evidence of any kind. That’s rock ‘n’ roll baby. On with the show…

Camp food (cooking with wood) part 2

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BREAKFAST

Wake up to the pretty birdies, get that fire burning again cos we need some coffee and a big breakfast. We always have a big breakfast when we’re camping because there’s much relaxing to do and you certainly wouldn’t want to be trying that out on an empty stomach.

Baked beans, a bit of leftover lamb from last night, baked eggs, mushrooms, toast and coffee. Now I’m ready. Where’s that book I was reading?

A couple of things I think you should definitely take camping.
1. Coffee and stovetop percolator of some description. I don’t care if the rest of your larder is made up of a pack of Woolworth’s sausages, two tins of baked beans, a carton of XXXX gold and a pack of Winnie blues. Get some effing proper coffee damn you. Or tea if you don’t do coffee but don’t try and convince me you don’t do hot drinks.

2. For fucks sake lets get a little more excited than a pack of Woolworth’s sausages and a tin of baked beans (yeah, I know what I said in point 1. but I have to give you something to talk about at your monthly mothers club meetings). If you like boring missionary position type 50s housewife food then maybe this is not for you. You should take time out from the shitass boring daily routine that is your life and watch something like “alive and cooking” or “Huey’s cooking adventures”. Or you could record them both all week and watch them all on Friday night just so you have something going on that is slightly better then melted cheese singles slices on toast and a session on your spirograph. And stop stealing the recipe section from the Women’s Weekly and New Idea magazines at the doctors surgery. Fuck.

3. Cook whatever makes you happy. It’s your camping trip after all. Awww… I’m all soft and snuggley.

A good point about the camp kitchen.
Clean up? What clean up? Everything is wiped onto the ground or chucked into the bush behind you. And then you leave your plates out for the bush critters to clean! Awesome.

OUR DINNER

A big rump steak for all to share (as long as it’s only 2-3 meekish individuals and my boys and I)
1.2-1.5kg rump steak in one big fat piece
a handful of chopped herbs… thyme, rosemary, parsley
3 cloves garlic, peeled and coarsely chopped
olive oil
salt and pepper
use all of the above ingredients to marinate your steak for half an hour or so, and then grill that puppy until you’re happy with the done-ness. Make sure you rest it for 10-15 minutes. It’s a large piece of meat kiddo.

Fried onion
Fry the onion. Sound simple? It should be simple, unless of course you are the one that is simple. Fry sliced onion on a med-high heat, with a splash of oil, until it’s golden brown. Season and voila. Bob is having sexual liaisons with your aunty., it started off as a bit of fun, but then it got serious and they fell in love and got married. Bob’s your uncle*.

Charred corn and avocado salsa
How do you make charred corn? First you get up and go and find your brain in the laundry sink after last night’s mini Oktoberfest celebration you had by yourself. Got it? So you know how to char corn now, yes? Now put that with some chopped avocado (cut it off the cob first or you’re going to end up looking like quite the silly duffer), parsley, basil or coriander. Or all three. Or just two of the above. Olive oil, lemon juice and seasoning will finish it off nicely

Sweet potato and carrot salad
The sweet potato and carrot were whole roasted in the coals, in the foil they greet you in now. Seasoned and dressed with soy mayonnaise. What could go wrong? Yeah, heaps I know. Give it a go anyway.

And coming soon… What to drink when you go camping. Besides water and/or the ocean if you don’t swim very well.

 

 

 

*Bob’s your uncle. This may indeed fly straight over the head of the non-Australian audience out there… and shy of actually getting in a plane and coming to your house to host a seminar on Australian slang (which you will probably not understand anyway and end up hating me for making you feel so dumb), there’s not much I can actually do about it.

Boys Night… Roast Pork in the Camp Oven

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I know we’ve given you a bit of an amusingly-witty-great-food-cooking-blog overload today but… you’re just gonna have to deal with it. Write your local member of Parliament or something.

Cookingfoodwithyourkidsisthebestshitever

This evening the boys spent a fair while trying to decide if he said, “honey, don’t play with your food” or “Ted, don’t play with your food”… We’ll never know. Until next time we watch Dr. Seuss’ “The Lorax”. Which will quite frankly, probably be within the week. And apparently Luke kissed Darth Vader. Still got a bit to teach these kids obviously.

We also combined our forces like voltron, lit a fire and danced ceremonially in a ritual we call “Boys Night”*.

Riveting conversation aside, I offered them a choice for the evening meal. I had a pork shoulder roast, a leg of lamb and a kilo and a half piece of rump steak… all looked good but I was pushing them towards the lamb. I really felt like lamb roasted over the coals. But as Jesus once said, you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink. So pork it was. We also pulled out some cabbage, onions, apples, apple cider vinegar and anchovies. We can’t eat without anchovies at the moment. Not literally of course. I can eat just fine without an anchovy there to tell me to chew my food before I swallow so I don’t choke and die. I can also clean my own bottom when I go to the toilet. Oh, how far I’ve come!

So it’s clearly not all about me… not when I have children around that’s for sure. And when you can get in the kitchen with said mini yous, then good times are to be had by all. Unless you live in a shack in the hills and your children are a product of coital union between you and your sister. Then shits gonna get fucked up when little jimmy comes in to the kitchen to help his ma (your sister) fix some road kill raccoon mighty white sandwiches fer supper. That kid has no place there…

We cooked, we poked sticks in the fire, we watched a sea of gold come flowing out from under the mother duck (and realized quite quickly that it wasn’t actual gold, instead she had hatched out 16 ducklings), we ate (Not the ducklings. Not yet anyway), and then the kids asked me if they could stay up for the whole night watching movies. To which I politely replied no. No you may not.

Shopping list, check. I especially like the spelling of anchobies.

Before the pot.

Put the pork in a camp oven, season with salt and pepper (just a little salt because we have a few anchovies heading in for the ho-down a little later), and place in your fire pit with some coals on top to create “the camp oven”. After 30 minutes add your other ingredients.

After another 30 minutes check to see if things are going as they should. If it need a bit more time let it have some. You don’t own time, you know? When it’s smelling like really awesome tasty things smell bring it to the table but let it rest for 10-15 minutes just to make sure the available awesome-ness is fully achieved.

Carve it up while your son pretends he is a Japanese tourist… again…

Nom, nom, nom, burp, aaaah. And then tomorrow we go camping so there’s sure to be more fire cookery posts from that. Rock on dark continent, we love you!

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. That’s the sound I make when I pass out because I had a little to much (or maybe just the right amount) of wine… mmmmm. Passed out…

*Boys Night. A night where you hang out with your boys and do cool shit.

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