Straight into the recipes with this one. I don’t have anything to say about condiments that I haven’t said before. You know I love this shit, but then again who doesn’t like condiments? Condiments with breakfast? Condiments with christmas lunch? Condiments with three days worth of left over meats? Comunists, that’s who doesn’t like condiments and I for one am not a commie. Shallow, uneducated political views aside, I have been flat out the last week making chutneys for our Christmas feast, raiding the absolute crap out of Jen’s garden like a drunken viking, to obtain fresh produce for my stockpile of Christmas chutney… and raping and pilaging through the neighbours  yard while I was in the swing of the viking thing…

CHERRY TOMATO, CAPSICUM & CHILLI JAM

This is my fave for breakfast burgers, fritters or a nice piece of fish (the shitty fish will be fine with heinz tomato sauce I’m sure)

2.5kg cherry tomatoes, or whatever tomatoes you can steal from your neighbours vege patch

6-8 capsicum, diced

1 red onion, diced

8 long red chilli, sliced (I had a pile of chillis we were given by Jen’s boss, Mark, who is an avid follower of this blog and will probably be quite chuffed he got a mention. They were quite mild so I used about 15 of those)

1 handful each of mint and coriander

1 whole bulb garlic, peeled and crushed

3 star anise, ground or smashed in a mortar

1 tablespoon ginger

200ml fish sauce (or season with salt to taste for vego styleee)

2 cups palm sugar, or castor will do the job

• All ingredients, except sugar and fish sauce, go into a heavy based pot and simmer on a low heat for 1 hour
• Add sugar & fish sauce, simmer for a further 15 minutes
• Blitz with stick wizz or in a blender, check seasoning
• Jar up, seal and store for the coming onslaught of family and friends

Imagine some photos of me making cauliflower pickle here

CAULIFLOWER PICKLE

This is great for a ham and cheese sandwich, ploughmans lunch, or any cold meat type scenario

1 large cauliflower, chopped smallish, stem and all

2 cucumber, deseed and dice, smallish once again

2 zucchini, dice etc

2 brown onion, you know what to do

2 cloves garlic, peeled and crushed

1 teaspoon ground ginger

2 teaspoons yellow mustard seed

¼ cup plain flour

1 tablespoon ground tumeric

1 cup castor sugar

1lt white vinegar

• Put everything except sugar and vinegar into a heavy based pot and fry on a low heat for 5 minutes to cook the flour out
• Add sugar and vinegar and mix well. Simmer for 15 minutes
• Jar up and seal

(Uncle John’s*) GREEN TOMATO & APPLE CHUTNEY

This is for BBQ meats, lamb, cold meats and ploughmans lunch

1kg green tomatoes (pick unripe tomatoes straight from your bush or you should be able to order some from your local farmers market), diced

2 brown onion, diced

6 granny smith apples, cored and diced

2 cloves garlic, peeled and crushed

1 tablespoon each ground ginger, yellow mustard seed, salt

1 teaspoon each ground coriander, white pepper, chilli flakes

1/2 cinnamon stick

2 cloves

600ml cider vinegar

1 cup castor sugar

• Simple as fuck, all ingredients go into a heavy based pot and simmer on a low heat for 1 hour, stirring often
• Jar up and seal

Now go forth as Jesus would’ve and create chutney for the masses. Guaranteed to make you the legend of the BBQ spread this Christmas… that and your novelty naked woman apron anyways…

Stay tuned for the eagerly anticipated foodisthebestshitever Christmas address. Your year shall be complete soon my friend… soon…

*I wonder if my Uncle John will read this. He doesn’t like being called Uncle John, preferring just “John”. The last time I called him Uncle John was a while ago, he replied with “Uncle John? Just John is fine thanks Graeme. I don’t call you nephew Graeme do I?” He gave me this recipe a few years ago, although it has quite possibly changed a bit or a lot since then. Who knows.

Pointless anecdote #147 done.