The Sunday roast… or not…

So you still can’t do a decent Sunday roast? You just don’t have enough time… your kids are so hungry they’re starting to eat each other… and you’ve already lost three. Lucky your white trash genes decreed that you shalt have eleven children. Even if you do have to sacrifice the odd one or two to the cause.

Actually I (in all of my infinite wisdom as decreed by the crazy guy who mumbles to himself at the entrance to the local garden store) have decided you don’t deserve to eat Sunday roast. You should stay away from the Sunday roast. Jesus should make you allergic to the Sunday roast. It’s an institution for god’s sake. Go to the carvery in the food court of the local shopping centre. And if you don’t have a local shopping center NO ROAST FOR YOU. Come back one year… Everyone has seen the soup nazi episode of Seinfeld, right?

You’ve got me quite worked up now.

So worked up, in fact, that I may need to pour myself a second cup of tea.

Aaah. That’s better.

So now I have decided that I shall not be giving you another recipe for a kick-ass roast. Instead I shall point my proverbial finger at you and mock you like I would mock the three-armed carnie. “Ha, ha, ha. You’ve got three arms. You look really funny.” (That would certainly have been more effective if you could have seen me sitting at the computer singing it to myself)

No. Instead I think I will give you a recipe for what I shall call GFC. No, no, no I am certainly not referring to any kind of crisis in which many people across town lost a bit of cash. No, I’m talking about “Grazza’s Fried Chicken” because let’s face it, if you can’t roast it surely you can fry it yes? Yes! A million drunken bogans across the country can’t be wrong!

For the chicken                

1 whole free-range bird, one that beckons to you that it wants to be touched… loved… eaten. If you have the skills joint this bird into 10 pieces. If you don’t have the skills please ask your butcher very politely if he/she (Yeah, I’ve never seen one either but I’m sure the mythical “girl butcher” does exist. And I dare say she would live in a land filled with pink unicorns and waterfalls made of lemonade… no, seriously, I am fully trying to keep this shite PC) will do it.

2 cups of buttermilk

1 egg (Probably didn’t need it but I put it in there anyways)

2 cups plain flour

1 tablespoon each dried oregano or thyme and paprika

1 teaspoon each ground coriander, white pepper, tumeric, sage and baking powder

oil to deep or shallow fry

• Marinate the chicken in the buttermilk for an hour or two. This should be enough time for you to mix up the flour with all of the herbs and spices, and if you are quick you will be able to sneak in a beer or two or three. I will not pretend to know how quickly or slowly you drink.
• Add the egg to the chicken and buttermilk number and mix it all about
• Roll the chicken through the secret herbs and spices flour and then repeat process. For anyone who doesn’t understand what that means I shall explain. It simply means you put the chicken through the buttermilk and then the flour once again. Twice all up. Double coated. All good?
• Heat your oil to 180C give or take a degree or two
• Now fry the chicken in batches (Use your common sense here people. You don’t want to have chicken triple layered and getting all stuck together in your fryer now do you? Four or five pieces at a time are probably good), keeping each batch warm in a low oven until they’re all done.
• Once the chicken is done it’s time to cook your chips. If you are not knowledgeable in the art of chip cooking (You better not be smiling right now snotty. It is a very serious art…) let me know and someone from foodisthebestshitever will be there to help!

To serve

Apple ‘slaw (For a bit of kinda-healthy to make you sleep a little better at night), mashed potatoes and gravy*, chips and dinner rolls

Gourmet white trash y’all! Now there’s an oxymoron if ever I saw one!

That’s all.

*One tip for the bangin’ GFC gravy; Campbell’s pure chicken consommé. I don’t want to sound like the poster boy for the new Campbell’s advertising campaign, but cook out one tablespoon of plain flour in one tablespoon of butter and then whisk in 1.5 cups Campbell’s chicken consommé and cook that bad boy until thickened, stirring occasionally. Season and pour into a deep hole in the middle of your mashed potato.