“Who is that man in the red mask? That devilishly tall, handsome masked man? The one with the Hitler moustache? The guy who is constantly harping on about how everyone in this world and the next should be making their own mayonnaise”, you ask.
OK folks, I stand before you as my interweb audience today to tell you that masked man is in fact me. And that mask is not a mask at all; just a cleverly styled combination of chest and facial hair. Glue stick technology.
Yes. I am a mayonnaise nazi.
“What is this crazy crusade all about?” I hear you ask. “Why do you keep insisting that I should be making my own mayonnaise? I’m not a fucking chef! I work, I have a family, kids yell at me and demand their dinner and I’m in training for shot put at the next Paralympics. In short, I have no time to make mayonnaise.”
Well, I’m here to tell you right now folks; you can make your own fucking mayonnaise. And it will only take five minutes out of your busy schedule if you have the right gear.
“Oi mate,” I hear pipe up again (when clearly, you should just sit back and listen). “I told you already, I’m not a fucking chef.”
But my friend, you don’t need to be. Sure, I’ve been making my own mayonnaise for a few years now (insert your own over-due sexual innuendo here please), but once you know how, it will seriously take you five minutes a go.
First, you need a stick wizz AKA a wizz stick (that’s certainly not your lady friends’ new vibrator. It’s also known as an immersion blender more professionally). They are available at all the home appliance selling type stores. It will cost you 20 or so bucks for a cheap one, which will do the job just fine, if that job is emulsifying mayonnaise or maybe pureeing a soup or two. If you try to mulch a dead body with your stick wizz you are setting yourself up for an epic fail. And quite frankly, I think you deserve to get your stupid ass busted.
Secondly, you need to have some vegetable/blended/something neutral oil in the cupboard, some eggs (keeping chooks will maintain a steady supply), mustard, something acidic like vinegar or lemon, sugar and salt and pepper. Too hard? Leave now. Get back whatever you were doing and we’ll pretend this conversation never happened.
MAYONNAISE & AIOLI
2 eggs
2-3 cloves garlic (for aioli)
1 teaspoon of any kind of mustard (This is just like sex; try a few options to find your preferred choice but definitely DO NOT use mustard as a lubricant while having sex. Mustard is not a toy, my friend. Not a toy)
1 tablespoon red wine vinegar, white wine vinegar or some other kind of vinegar or lemon juice (Once again, it’s just like sex – try a few different options out to see what you like)
½ teaspoon sugar
250 ml or so neutral flavoured oil
Salt and pepper
Put everything into a vessel that will hold it.
Get out your stick wizz and prepare yourself for the magic that is about to happen.
Gently plunge stizz wizz into the base of your container. I hope you realized that simon did not say to start blitzing yet.
Keeping the stick wizz at the base, start blitzing the mix.
As you see it start to see the emulsification happen you can slowly start to move your stick wizz up into the remaining oil, 5 mm (¼ in) at a time, slowly and steadily.
By the time you reach the top your mix should have thickened into what we shall call mayonnaise and you, my friend, have just performed an emulsification*. Magic. You are a kitchen alchemist.
If your mayonnaise is a little thick for your liking add a teaspoon or so of water until it is the desired consistency.
Check the seasoning and adjust if necessary and BAM! You’re done.
Pretty painless.
Now you’re all set to go off and make all sorts of flavoured mayos; tartare, marie rose, seeded mustard, saffron, truffle, whatever.
*emulsion
(ih-muhl-shuhn)
noun
Physical chemistry. Any colloidal suspension of a liquid in another liquid.
