Mayonnaise. Seriously lacking creativity in the title but I got nothing today…

How rude am I? I harp on about how you should be making your own mayo, and I’m pretty sure I haven’t even given you a recipe. One of the most basic and glorious condiments. Versatile as fuck, and a damn good friend in this our time of need. Help us obi wan Kenobi, you’re our only hope… Hmmm. Slightly off track but I’m going to pay it. Star Wars has a place in any conversation as far as I’m concerned.

Not that I’m concerned. You’re going to do just fine. But if you’re not scared about making an emulsified dressing for the first time… You should be… You should be.

The first and foremost rule of your first emulsification, and your first sexual encounter I may add, is GO SLOWLY. You are defying logic – you are making oil bind to some egg and shite.

This is not a race. Unless of course you are in a mayonnaise making race. In which case you should go really fast. The hopes of your country are riding on you right now. Whisk boy. Whisk!

PS. Once you know how to make mayonnaise a whole world of condiments will be at your fingertips… Aioli, tartare, and flavored mayos as far as your little mind can imagine. Here, let me be of assistance. Seeded mustard, smoked paprika, saffron, charred chilli, anything.

Basic mayo goes something like this

2 egg yolks

1 tspn Dijon mustard

1Tbls apple cider vinegar or lemon juice or something acidic

Seasoning

200ml veg oil

50ml olive oil

A splash of water if it needs thinning out

• Put the egg yolks, mustard, vinegar and a pinch of salt and pepper into a bowl if you are hand whisking this, or into a round tub (like the one in the picture) if you live in a country that has electricity and you have the common sense to own a stick wizz.
• Whisk until the yolks start to fluff up and turn pale.
• While whisking, slowly add the oil in a light trickle. Don’t stop whisking while you’re doing this.
• You should notice that it is all binding as one glorious spreadable mass. Do not be temped to pour the oil in quickly. Take it nice and slow and worry about getting it done quickly when you’re married.
• Once all of the oil is in there add A DROP or two of water to get it to your desired consistency, and check seasoning. Always with the checking of the seasoning.
• If this is your first time, smear some of your finished mayo on a piece of fresh white bread and eat it like you were an eight year old trailer park kid with his school lunch. Mmmmmm