Apple cider vinaigrette and my sincerest apologies

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Apple cider vinaigrette

This is a recipe that I constantly forget to give you fine folks, and for that I’m sorry. But I am giving it to you right now (Well, I’m not actually “giving it to you” right now because that would be perverted… unless it’s consensual I guess… a conversation for another time fo’ sho), and for that you should probably be pretty thankful.

Tangy, a little bit sweet and really good for putting on just about anything – leafy herby salads, potato salad, coleslaw, warm salads such as this one and yes, the use of the term “anything” does definitely include your girlfriends boobies or your boyfriends whatever thingy that a boyfriend has. You will wonder how you have come so far in life with out it… just like everyone else wonders how you have come so far in life full stop… and indeed if you could be trusted to sit the right way on a toilet seat.

This is the sort of thing you can make days, weeks or even years ahead of that “big date” with “the one”, or even permanently have on hand as it will last approximately 1 million years* in your refrigerator.

These are probably some of the most average photos I have attached to a post… And they are definitely in some really good company…


APPLE CIDER VINAIGRETTE

(makes heaps enough for a few salads)

¼ cup yellow mustard (or whatever mustard it is that you like)
2 tablespoons castor sugar
100ml apple cider vinegar
400ml some kind of neutral tasting oil
A pinch of salt

Slowly emulsify oil into other ingredients using a stick wizz or whisk or possibly a small branch with the leaves removed (it’s the same as that mayonnaise thing you learnt about that one time).
You could even try the ol’ put-all-of-the-ingredients-in-a-jar-and-shake-it-up trick if you’re keen.
Store that in the fridge for the rest of your life.

*Might not last quite that long. Let me know how you go.

How to make mayonnaise… with the Mayonnaise Nazi

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SAMSUNG CSC

The Mayonnaise Nazi

“Who is that man in the red mask? That devilishly tall, handsome masked man? The one with the Hitler moustache? The guy who is constantly harping on about how everyone in this world and the next should be making their own mayonnaise…”

OK folks, I stand before you as my blogland audience today to tell you that masked man is in fact me… and that mask is not a mask at all, just a cleverly styled combination of chest and facial hair… well, I may have used a glue stick, too.

“What is this crazy crusade all about?” I hear you ask. “Why do you keep insisting that I should be making my own mayonnaise? I’m not a fucking chef! I work, I have a family, kids yell at me and demand their dinner and I’m in training for shot put at the next Paralympics. In short, I have no time to make mayonnaise.”

Well I’m here to tell you right now folks; YOU CAN MAKE YOUR OWN EFFING MAYONNAISE. It takes two minutes out of your busy schedule if you have the right gear.

“Oi mate,” I hear pipe up again when clearly you should just sit back and listen. “I told you already, I’m not a fucking chef.”

But my friend, you don’t need to be. Sure I’ve been making my own mayonnaise for a few years now (insert your own over-due sexual innuendo here please), but once you know how, it will seriously take you two minutes a go… both versions.

First, you need a stick wizz… a wizz stick (that’s a hand blender and certainly not your girlfriend’s new vibrator). They are available at K-Mart, Big W, Harvey Normans, Retravision – any home appliance selling type store. It will cost you 40 or so bucks for a cheap one, which will do the job just fine… as long as that job is emulsifying mayonnaise or maybe pureeing a soup or two. If you try to mulch a dead body with your stick wizz you are setting yourself up for an epic fail. And quite frankly, I think you deserve to get your stupid ass busted.

Secondly, you need to have some vegetable/blended/something neutral oil in the cupboard, some eggs in the fridge (keeping chooks will maintain a steady supply), mustard, something acidic like vinegar or lemon and salt and pepper. Too hard? Leave now. Get back to your stupid life and we’ll pretend this conversation never happened.

A good start

A good start

An even better start

An even better start

Trickle trickle. Seba was pouring the oil a little quicker than he should have been but I've got the skills to hold it together

Trickle trickle. Seba was pouring the oil a little quicker than he should have been but I’ve got the skills to hold it together

Slap that on a loaf of Mighty White and take yourself to white trash heaven

Slap that on a loaf of Mighty White and take yourself to white trash heaven

My basic mayonnaise, when it comes down to the bare bones, works something like this;
1 egg
1 egg yolk
1 teaspoon of any kind of mustard. It’s just like sex; try a few options to find your preferred choice. But definitely DO NOT use mustard as a lubricant while having sex. Mustard is not a toy, my friend… not a toy
1 tablespoon apple cider vinegar or some other kind of vinegar or lemon juice. Once again, it’s just like sex
250ml-ish oil
Salt and pepper
• Put everything except oil into a vessel that will hold it. Get out your stick wizz and prepare yourself for the magic that is about to happen
• Start blitzing the eggy mix and, with the wizz stick running (do not stop that puppy for any reason), slowly start adding your oil to the mix. Just a little trickle, but keep it going. By the last few drops of oil your mix should have thickened into what we shall call mayonnaise and you, my friend, have just made an emulsion*. Magic. You are a kitchen alchemist
• If your mayonnaise is a little thick for your liking add a teaspoon or so of water until it is the desired consistency. Check the seasoning and adjust if necessary and BAM! You have mayonnaise
• Pretty painless eh…
• Now you’re all set to go off and make all sorts of flavoured mayos; aioli, tartare, marie rose, seeded mustard, saffron, whatever

*e·mul·sion

[ih-muhl-shuhn]  

noun

1.Physical Chemistry . any colloidal suspension of a liquid in another liquid.
2.Such a suspension used in cosmetics.
3.Pharmacology . a liquid preparation consisting of two completely immiscible liquids, one of which, asminute globules coated by a gum or other mucilaginous substance, is dispersed throughout theother: used as a means of making a medicine palatable.

This is a story about getting dressed

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Getting dressed is something that a lot of people learn how to do in the early years of their life. A bit like doing their wees and poos on the toilet, and not eating steamy dog turds from the back lawn… or was that just my kids. The most basic of life skills, yet one that pays us back ten fold. Being dressed allows us to survive in the cold, drip searing hot rib sauce over our big fat belly without the need to administer burn cream and, most importantly, pick up hot chicks because they can’t see our tiny little pee-pee.

And as a child of the professional kitchen (or a red headed step child at best, but I think we’ve previously discussed that) dressing is something that every new student should be taught in the early days, albeit a type of dressing that doesn’t involve clothes. I’m not saying they should rock up to their first shift naked (maybe not unless they are a very attractive young lady), far from it in fact. Im just saying that apprentices in the commercial kitchen need to be taught the importance of dressing a salad. I’m sure plain jane naked lettuce is a delicacy in some carnival circles out there, but not in my kitchen. That shit is nasty!

Another point that should be made clear as the space between the prom queen’s ears; leafy salads get dressed just before serving. Limp soggy lettuce is about as appealing as the old man in the Cher g-string and fish nets at mardi gras. Believe me, I’ve seen them both and I can compare!

Three points to remember;
1. A good salad equals the sum of it’s dressing.

2. A good dressing equals one part acid, three parts oil.

3. A good undressing equals me, three girls, one litre of oil and four tabs of acid.

APPLE CIDER VINAIGRETTE
6 tablespoons whatever mustard you have in the back of the fridge
4 tablespoons castor sugar
200ml apple cider vinegar
400ml vegetable or neutral flavoured oil
200ml extra virgin olive oil
seasoning
• Combine all ingredients except oils. Whisk together
• Slowly whisk oils into other ingredients to emulsify
• Check seasoning and thin with a splash of water if neccesary

Use to dress just about any leafy salad or slaw. My favourite at the mo’ is mixed leaves with a bit if shallot and lightly pickled cucumber. Kind of poncy I know, but poncy is a word I’m trying to use more in conversation at the moment…

Boys Night… Roast Pork in the Camp Oven

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I know we’ve given you a bit of an amusingly-witty-great-food-cooking-blog overload today but… you’re just gonna have to deal with it. Write your local member of Parliament or something.

Cookingfoodwithyourkidsisthebestshitever

This evening the boys spent a fair while trying to decide if he said, “honey, don’t play with your food” or “Ted, don’t play with your food”… We’ll never know. Until next time we watch Dr. Seuss’ “The Lorax”. Which will quite frankly, probably be within the week. And apparently Luke kissed Darth Vader. Still got a bit to teach these kids obviously.

We also combined our forces like voltron, lit a fire and danced ceremonially in a ritual we call “Boys Night”*.

Riveting conversation aside, I offered them a choice for the evening meal. I had a pork shoulder roast, a leg of lamb and a kilo and a half piece of rump steak… all looked good but I was pushing them towards the lamb. I really felt like lamb roasted over the coals. But as Jesus once said, you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink. So pork it was. We also pulled out some cabbage, onions, apples, apple cider vinegar and anchovies. We can’t eat without anchovies at the moment. Not literally of course. I can eat just fine without an anchovy there to tell me to chew my food before I swallow so I don’t choke and die. I can also clean my own bottom when I go to the toilet. Oh, how far I’ve come!

So it’s clearly not all about me… not when I have children around that’s for sure. And when you can get in the kitchen with said mini yous, then good times are to be had by all. Unless you live in a shack in the hills and your children are a product of coital union between you and your sister. Then shits gonna get fucked up when little jimmy comes in to the kitchen to help his ma (your sister) fix some road kill raccoon mighty white sandwiches fer supper. That kid has no place there…

We cooked, we poked sticks in the fire, we watched a sea of gold come flowing out from under the mother duck (and realized quite quickly that it wasn’t actual gold, instead she had hatched out 16 ducklings), we ate (Not the ducklings. Not yet anyway), and then the kids asked me if they could stay up for the whole night watching movies. To which I politely replied no. No you may not.

Shopping list, check. I especially like the spelling of anchobies.

Before the pot.

Put the pork in a camp oven, season with salt and pepper (just a little salt because we have a few anchovies heading in for the ho-down a little later), and place in your fire pit with some coals on top to create “the camp oven”. After 30 minutes add your other ingredients.

After another 30 minutes check to see if things are going as they should. If it need a bit more time let it have some. You don’t own time, you know? When it’s smelling like really awesome tasty things smell bring it to the table but let it rest for 10-15 minutes just to make sure the available awesome-ness is fully achieved.

Carve it up while your son pretends he is a Japanese tourist… again…

Nom, nom, nom, burp, aaaah. And then tomorrow we go camping so there’s sure to be more fire cookery posts from that. Rock on dark continent, we love you!

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. That’s the sound I make when I pass out because I had a little to much (or maybe just the right amount) of wine… mmmmm. Passed out…

*Boys Night. A night where you hang out with your boys and do cool shit.

Mayonnaise…

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Mayonnaise. Seriously lacking creativity in the title but I got nothing today…

How rude am I? I harp on about how you should be making your own mayo, and I’m pretty sure I haven’t even given you a recipe. One of the most basic and glorious condiments. Versatile as fuck, and a damn good friend in this our time of need. Help us obi wan Kenobi, you’re our only hope… Hmmm. Slightly off track but I’m going to pay it. Star Wars has a place in any conversation as far as I’m concerned.

Not that I’m concerned. You’re going to do just fine. But if you’re not scared about making an emulsified dressing for the first time… You should be… You should be.

The first and foremost rule of your first emulsification, and your first sexual encounter I may add, is GO SLOWLY. You are defying logic – you are making oil bind to some egg and shite.

This is not a race. Unless of course you are in a mayonnaise making race. In which case you should go really fast. The hopes of your country are riding on you right now. Whisk boy. Whisk!

PS. Once you know how to make mayonnaise a whole world of condiments will be at your fingertips… Aioli, tartare, and flavored mayos as far as your little mind can imagine. Here, let me be of assistance. Seeded mustard, smoked paprika, saffron, charred chilli, anything.

Basic mayo goes something like this

2 egg yolks

1 tspn Dijon mustard

1Tbls apple cider vinegar or lemon juice or something acidic

Seasoning

200ml veg oil

50ml olive oil

A splash of water if it needs thinning out

 

  • Put the egg yolks, mustard, vinegar and a pinch of salt and pepper into a bowl if you are hand whisking this, or into a round tub (like the one in the picture) if you live in a country that has electricity and you have the common sense to own a stick wizz.
  • Whisk until the yolks start to fluff up and turn pale.
  • While whisking, slowly add the oil in a light trickle. Don’t stop whisking while you’re doing this.
  • You should notice that it is all binding as one glorious spreadable mass. Do not be temped to pour the oil in quickly. Take it nice and slow and worry about getting it done quickly when you’re married.
  • Once all of the oil is in there add A DROP or two of water to get it to your desired consistency, and check seasoning. Always with the checking of the seasoning.
  • If this is your first time, smear some of your finished mayo on a piece of fresh white bread and eat it like you were an eight year old trailer park kid with his school lunch. Mmmmmm