This one is for my friend Grant. Not because I have a bone to pick with him. And not because he is a particularly good looking ranga* I have the pleasure of knowing. But this is for Grant purely because he laughs so much sometimes a bit of wee comes out.

Warning. This article contains the words bone/s, meat, saucy, moist, and nudge, nudge… wink, wink

I HAVE A BONE TO PICK WITH YOU

Like I have a bone to pick at with you. As long as it’s a ham bone. Or a beef or lamb bone. A bone from any kind of roast. A shin bone or a neck bone. An effing face bone. Quail bones or chicken bones. I really don’t care. They’re all so full of effing flavour. And flavor is good, yes? (the St. John’s bone marrow dish is a great example of how a bone with little meat on it can be an awesome meal… sticky pork ribs are another cracker)

If you have the audacity (I don’t even know what that word means but I put it in there anyway) to tell me that meat cooked on the bone is no more flavoursome then a boneless piece of meat, or that bones couldn’t offer more flavour, then I would have to question your purpose on this earth and then walk away from you and not talk to you for quite a long time after that.

You didn’t do very well in school did you?

Were you “special”? I think I was “special”. And if I wasn’t I damn well should have tried a lot harder… But you. You need to get back to the drive through window quickly because your half-your-age manager is giving one to your mum in the dumpster room and there’s some fairly irate looking plumbers over there waiting for their breakfast.

Even cavemen, who were not rumoured to be the smartest of our bloodline thus far, still had enough smarts about them to know that meat cooked on the bone is best. They knew that when cooked, the bone released gelatine, which provided body, and unctuousness to stews, soups and sauces. They knew it was more flavoursome, it had more moisture, and this coupled with the fact that they didn’t actually have a swiss army knife handy to slice it up, meant it was choice number one for them.

A good meal isn’t the only thing that starts with a bone either… nudge, nudge. Wink, wink…

Effing heck. I think I will have to make fried chicken tomorrow (deep down inside me I knew if I kept talking rubbish I would come across a recipe eventually). It’s too late now. Wait up there. It’s not even close to too late. It’s 11pm in the evening. Maybe 1am is getting a little late but I can generally still do what I want at 11. Well, I could if I had a chook. But I don’t so I shall get one in the am and continue this then…

FRIED CHICKEN A LA GRAZZA McFILTHY MOUTH
…Now it is the tomorrow I talked about yesterday. I have bought myself a lovely free-range chook from Scotty the butcher and doggarnit, I’m going to fry that bad boy up!

And then maybe the neighbours come over, and maybe you drink all of the alcohol in the house, and maybe you thank the dear lord you don’t have an actual liquor cabinet…

1 whole chicken, chopped up into 10 pieces like you’re an Asian butcher. Or, just chopped up by your butcher
500ml buttermilk, or just milk if that’s all you have
2 cups flour (we had buckwheat flour because we are trying to lead a harmonious existence and not rape our mother earth of her wheat crops)
2 tablespoons each paprika, dried oregano and garlic powder
1 tablespoon dried thyme
1 teaspoon ground white pepper
salt
oil to deep fry and something to deep fry in
• Marinate your chook in the buttermilk for an hour-ish
• Get your oil up to a fryable temperature. 170C is good for this. If you don’t have a thermometer you know the trick with the piece of bread yeah?
• While you’re waiting for your oil, mix the flour with everything else except the salt
• Fry your chicken in batches (largest pieces first) for 4-5 minutes until golden brown, then place into a pre-heated oven at 170C to finish the cooking
• Season with salt and serve with whatever you like. A big fat pile of just the fried ribs would be A1 with a six pack of beer and at least one more thing that you consider to be awesome

PORK RIBS A LA GRAZZA McDRUNKY DRUNK
These were so good. They are based loosely around getting loose and the setting yourself loose in the kitchen. You just can’t loose. No, wait up. That’s lose isn’t it.

3-4 racks of American style pork ribs
3 tablespoons each of sweet soy sauce (kecap manis), oyster sauce, barbeque sauce, tomato sauce
1 espresso coffee or 2 tablespoons of instant coffee, or maybe a shot of bourbon instead
1 basting or pastry brush
• Mix all the sauces and coffee together to make a marinade
• Marinate ribs for at least an hour if possible
• Transfer to a baking dish and bake at 170C for 2-ish hours, basting every 15-20 minutes and turning every half hour
• By this stage they should be sticky and delicious looking
• Eat with the same accompaniments as above (remove from oven first)

*Australian for a person with red hair and fair skin.