coke christmas
Christmas address 2014

As I have mentioned before, we are on the brink of another Christmas. Soon Christmas-ness will be blanketing out the sun as it descends upon us like window washers and trinket salesmen at a south American intersection, except this time they’re coming with Christmas cheer… heaps of Christmas cheer. You can literally see the Christmas cheer dripping from them like sweat from their pores. This Christmas thing is omni present.

If in fact you have somehow remained unseeing to what is happening in the world around you and this is your first inkling that we’re hitting the high season firstly, I thank you. I thank you for giving my life purpose. Secondly, you are either
1. A blind, deaf Amazonian pygmy whose tribe is yet untouched by man and his coca cola company, or
2. You are quite simply a really special person who needs a special kind of love… but not the kind of brother-sister love that clearly produced you

Every shop you enter will force feed you Christmas propaganda until you feel like an over-appreciated alter boy. You will be audibly raped by Christmas carols and announcements welcoming shoppers to a fictitious magical Christmas shopping experience. You will fight an old lady, pulling her hair and biting her arm to get the newest, trendiest, commercial TV advertisement endorsed, robot, transformer, light sabre game for your child. Fluro lights will drain your final ounces of energy as you line up with hundreds of other sheeple to be fleeced by the self-scanning new world order that is consumerism… pre-packaged for your convenience of course…

And if you’re lucky enough to leave the bull-ring with your mind still intact, you are then faced with the credit card hangover from hell and the realization that you will probably need another job to pay this effer off.

Or maybe not.

Maybe your Christmas is nothing like that hysterical rant. And where did that rant come from? What am I – the Grinch? I don’t even know what the Grinch is… my life just became really confusing.

It has been said before, and I do believe it is true, that “haters gonna hate”, but I do not hate Christmas. In fact, I love Christmas. I love the whole effing package; the food, the drinks, the friends, the kid’s over-excitement and super-early waking to open presents, the food… I think I may have already said that, the day off, the pool and just the whole damn vibe of the thing.

But for us it is the culminating of any and all of our friends and family who are about this year, to get together and have a damn good time. It is about being merry and celebrating how good it is to have all of these kick-ass peeps in our life.

We eat a lot of food. Food that can be prepared in advance is a great way to go so you’re not doing it all on the day; Cooked prawns and oysters are always a crowd pleaser and need zero preparation. Home made salad dressings, condiments and glazes get made days prior. Cakes and puddings are made, with only final touches and decorations left for the big day. Antipasti and dips are sorted and any extra bits of space in the fridge and freezers are filled with mixers and ice.
That is what I consider to be a pretty good template for an enjoyable Christmas lunch, but whatever you decide to do please, please, please (yes, I am asking you very nicely. You should probably write about this day in your diary) keep the food within your skill set because serving a shitty meal on Christmas day is nary a good thing for anyone involved.

And just one more thing; we don’t eat turkey. Never. It has less relevance at our Christmas table than crazy old uncle Norman and his three pet potted plants. If you are sorely disappointed with your turkey each and every year but continue to make the purchase then I do declare that flavourless fowl has indeed made you one of it’s own. Try something different, I implore you. Roast chicken or pork are both great options, as is whole baked or barbecued fish, as is just about every other meat out there.

That’s all.

Merry Christmas.

Oh yeah, and that is Christmas, not x-mas.