The Foodisthebestshitever Christmas Address 2014

coke christmas
Christmas address 2014

As I have mentioned before, we are on the brink of another Christmas. Soon Christmas-ness will be blanketing out the sun as it descends upon us like window washers and trinket salesmen at a south American intersection, except this time they’re coming with Christmas cheer… heaps of Christmas cheer. You can literally see the Christmas cheer dripping from them like sweat from their pores. This Christmas thing is omni present.

If in fact you have somehow remained unseeing to what is happening in the world around you and this is your first inkling that we’re hitting the high season firstly, I thank you. I thank you for giving my life purpose. Secondly, you are either
1. A blind, deaf Amazonian pygmy whose tribe is yet untouched by man and his coca cola company, or
2. You are quite simply a really special person who needs a special kind of love… but not the kind of brother-sister love that clearly produced you

Every shop you enter will force feed you Christmas propaganda until you feel like an over-appreciated alter boy. You will be audibly raped by Christmas carols and announcements welcoming shoppers to a fictitious magical Christmas shopping experience. You will fight an old lady, pulling her hair and biting her arm to get the newest, trendiest, commercial TV advertisement endorsed, robot, transformer, light sabre game for your child. Fluro lights will drain your final ounces of energy as you line up with hundreds of other sheeple to be fleeced by the self-scanning new world order that is consumerism… pre-packaged for your convenience of course…

And if you’re lucky enough to leave the bull-ring with your mind still intact, you are then faced with the credit card hangover from hell and the realization that you will probably need another job to pay this effer off.

Or maybe not.

Maybe your Christmas is nothing like that hysterical rant. And where did that rant come from? What am I – the Grinch? I don’t even know what the Grinch is… my life just became really confusing.

It has been said before, and I do believe it is true, that “haters gonna hate”, but I do not hate Christmas. In fact, I love Christmas. I love the whole effing package; the food, the drinks, the friends, the kid’s over-excitement and super-early waking to open presents, the food… I think I may have already said that, the day off, the pool and just the whole damn vibe of the thing.

But for us it is the culminating of any and all of our friends and family who are about this year, to get together and have a damn good time. It is about being merry and celebrating how good it is to have all of these kick-ass peeps in our life.

We eat a lot of food. Food that can be prepared in advance is a great way to go so you’re not doing it all on the day; Cooked prawns and oysters are always a crowd pleaser and need zero preparation. Home made salad dressings, condiments and glazes get made days prior. Cakes and puddings are made, with only final touches and decorations left for the big day. Antipasti and dips are sorted and any extra bits of space in the fridge and freezers are filled with mixers and ice.
That is what I consider to be a pretty good template for an enjoyable Christmas lunch, but whatever you decide to do please, please, please (yes, I am asking you very nicely. You should probably write about this day in your diary) keep the food within your skill set because serving a shitty meal on Christmas day is nary a good thing for anyone involved.

And just one more thing; we don’t eat turkey. Never. It has less relevance at our Christmas table than crazy old uncle Norman and his three pet potted plants. If you are sorely disappointed with your turkey each and every year but continue to make the purchase then I do declare that flavourless fowl has indeed made you one of it’s own. Try something different, I implore you. Roast chicken or pork are both great options, as is whole baked or barbecued fish, as is just about every other meat out there.

That’s all.

Merry Christmas.

Oh yeah, and that is Christmas, not x-mas.

17 responses to “The Foodisthebestshitever Christmas Address 2014”

  1. I can’t say I’ve ever had turkey for Christmas. I’m a glazed ham kind of girl.

    I enjoy Christmas, but I’m pretty relaxed about it. I’m not Christmas obsessed. I’ve had a Christmas tree in my house exactly one time. I always give presents to close family. This year I feel like the Christmas grinches are getting me down. Christmas can be stressful and it is easy to lose sight of what is important.

    Christmas for me is all about epic feasts, lots of naps and beach time if the weather allows. No need for weird politics and people who get fanatic about what Christmas should and shouldn’t be for others.

    Oh and if possible, buy local. That’s as political as I’ll go.

    Merry Christmas Foodisthebestshit ever! Wishing you many fine feasts and may 2015 be fruitful for you and your kin.

    • I could not have put that into words better myself. Brilliant work G!

      I too subscribe to the big feasting, plenty o’ nana naps, Christmas scenario… with a heap of booze in there too.

      Cheers Genie. All the merriest to you and yours 🙂

  2. Were you watching when I took down, ummm, got that cool toy first, before the elderly lady did? Great Chrissy advice here Mr F. After years of turkey disappointment )except for once when a sister did the most amazeballs organic Turkey breasts that she stuffed with butter and ummmm other stuff), we also are waving adios Turkey. We is going with some prawnie lornies, a noice piece of beef, a couple of butterflied chooks on the barbie, some veggie dish (umm, undecided) then a giant honking glazed ham on Boxing Day. I too love this holiday; the time with family and friends, the food, the kids OTT excitement, lovely drinks, nana naps. Eveything is AWESOME! (Imagine I just started singing the Lego theme song and perhaps even busting a few a dance moves.) Wishing you and your loved ones a super wonderful Christmas. 😁

    • Mrs Cheer I want to come to your Christmas lunch and while I’m at it I’ll invite myself over for Boxing Day lunch too! Sounds effing fantastic.

      Wishing you and yours a kick-ass Christmas, full bellies, happy face heads and the ability to get up and do it all again on Boxing Day :). Yeeeew.

      PS I was well ahead of you with the lego song hitting the radio station in my brain approximately 1 milli-second into that sentence 🙂

  3. Great rant – I usually feel pretty put off the moment I hear Jingle Bells in our supermarket, usually when I stock up on food after returning from the summer holidays … but once it gets dark and cold here, I’m all for it. No Jingle Bells, though, nor turkey! Venison it is for us, and well worth it 🙂

  4. My feelings exactly…about Christmas and about turkey. I love the cooking and talking with friends and family in the kitchen….glass in hand. Very glad to be away from the commercial side of Christmas by living in the middle of the countryside…of course there’s the nightmare crazy shit on TV…but you can turn it off. Have a good one 🙂

  5. A very wise man once warned me of the perils of ‘The Diabalo Chicken’. Won’t ever grace my table. Ham, slow roast of pork and such are my style. The traditional pudding, pav with Nana’s trifle to follow are the topper of the day. Merry Christmas to one and all, and be careful what you wish for.

  6. this year I’ve become a Christmas nutjob. Bought a 7 ft. tree and had it up on Nov. 30 Fucking November! Presents are all bought and have been for weeks…just ready to be wrapped. Lots of baking done. Christmas cards sent.
    I even took the weiner dogs to ‘Weiner Wonderland’ Christmas party. I am almost turning 4-0 (or should I say LAME-O?) I’m getting all old and senile, thinking that I actually get into Christmas every year. NOPE mostly I just wish we were back in Aus so I wouldn’t have to deal with the fam. But this year I’m going armed with cocktails.
    Cheers and all the best to you and your family G. Eat lots of prawns and oysters for me and I’ll shovel a slice of turducken for you mate.

    • I saw a turducken this week and contemplated buying it but my stubborn dislike of turkey kicked in and wouldn’t allow it.

      All the best to you and yours! Eat well (if I didn’t say that already) 🙂

      PS I’ll be hitting the 4-0 next year. Nothing wrong with that!!

  7. I used to love Christmas until I got older and it just ended up being family members warring against one another (I think when I was small, the distraction of the presents, stockings and food blinded me to family issues). BUT, that said, I love the sentiment you’ve expressed here. I think that when Az and I have kids, we will probably love Christmas again. Seeing a little person’s eyes light up in the morning makes all the sneaking-around-in-the-dark-filling-stockings (no naughty business Graz, all official Christmas terminology here) worthwhile. As for turkey? We ALWAYS had turkey. I never liked it. Now that I am old, it’ll be turkey no more 😉
    Have an amazing Christmas Grazza man, hope that you, Jen and the kids have an awesome new year too 🙂

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