The Foodisthebestshitever Christmas Address 2014

coke christmas
Christmas address 2014

As I have mentioned before, we are on the brink of another Christmas. Soon Christmas-ness will be blanketing out the sun as it descends upon us like window washers and trinket salesmen at a south American intersection, except this time they’re coming with Christmas cheer… heaps of Christmas cheer. You can literally see the Christmas cheer dripping from them like sweat from their pores. This Christmas thing is omni present.

If in fact you have somehow remained unseeing to what is happening in the world around you and this is your first inkling that we’re hitting the high season firstly, I thank you. I thank you for giving my life purpose. Secondly, you are either
1. A blind, deaf Amazonian pygmy whose tribe is yet untouched by man and his coca cola company, or
2. You are quite simply a really special person who needs a special kind of love… but not the kind of brother-sister love that clearly produced you

Every shop you enter will force feed you Christmas propaganda until you feel like an over-appreciated alter boy. You will be audibly raped by Christmas carols and announcements welcoming shoppers to a fictitious magical Christmas shopping experience. You will fight an old lady, pulling her hair and biting her arm to get the newest, trendiest, commercial TV advertisement endorsed, robot, transformer, light sabre game for your child. Fluro lights will drain your final ounces of energy as you line up with hundreds of other sheeple to be fleeced by the self-scanning new world order that is consumerism… pre-packaged for your convenience of course…

And if you’re lucky enough to leave the bull-ring with your mind still intact, you are then faced with the credit card hangover from hell and the realization that you will probably need another job to pay this effer off.

Or maybe not.

Maybe your Christmas is nothing like that hysterical rant. And where did that rant come from? What am I – the Grinch? I don’t even know what the Grinch is… my life just became really confusing.

It has been said before, and I do believe it is true, that “haters gonna hate”, but I do not hate Christmas. In fact, I love Christmas. I love the whole effing package; the food, the drinks, the friends, the kid’s over-excitement and super-early waking to open presents, the food… I think I may have already said that, the day off, the pool and just the whole damn vibe of the thing.

But for us it is the culminating of any and all of our friends and family who are about this year, to get together and have a damn good time. It is about being merry and celebrating how good it is to have all of these kick-ass peeps in our life.

We eat a lot of food. Food that can be prepared in advance is a great way to go so you’re not doing it all on the day; Cooked prawns and oysters are always a crowd pleaser and need zero preparation. Home made salad dressings, condiments and glazes get made days prior. Cakes and puddings are made, with only final touches and decorations left for the big day. Antipasti and dips are sorted and any extra bits of space in the fridge and freezers are filled with mixers and ice.
That is what I consider to be a pretty good template for an enjoyable Christmas lunch, but whatever you decide to do please, please, please (yes, I am asking you very nicely. You should probably write about this day in your diary) keep the food within your skill set because serving a shitty meal on Christmas day is nary a good thing for anyone involved.

And just one more thing; we don’t eat turkey. Never. It has less relevance at our Christmas table than crazy old uncle Norman and his three pet potted plants. If you are sorely disappointed with your turkey each and every year but continue to make the purchase then I do declare that flavourless fowl has indeed made you one of it’s own. Try something different, I implore you. Roast chicken or pork are both great options, as is whole baked or barbecued fish, as is just about every other meat out there.

That’s all.

Merry Christmas.

Oh yeah, and that is Christmas, not x-mas.

Jennee’s Sunday Spread… BBQ Brisket, Coleslaw and other delicious things

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Jennee’s Sunday Spread

Unfortunate circumstances arose (or I guess fortunate really as these circumstances were a new job that would see me able to pay the bills and not yet need to pull out my sexiest red mini skirt and frilly bra to begin my new career in the darkened back alleys of “the meat packing district”) that would see me unable to attend the inaugural Bangalow BBQ and Bluegrass Festival this past weekend. Outwardly damning these circumstances that I had fallen victim to, I felt the calming hand of Jennee on my shoulder. “I will cook you a BBQ all of your very own”, she said. A warm fuzzy feeling enveloped all of my senses as a tear slowly welled in my left eye (surgeons had removed the tear ducts from my right eye after an almost tragic shaving incident in my early teens). “This is why I married that girl”, I said to myself. “She certainly is a top bitch,” self agreed.

That evening, cook a feast is what Jennee did.

The spread consisted of smoked wagyu beef sausages and beef brisket that had been basted with bourbon BBQ sauce, potatoes wrapped in alfoil and roasted in the coals and then served with a heap of garlic butter, chopped salad with blue cheese dressing, home made bread rolls, pickles and condiments and my all time favourite BBQ (or anytime) side dish; the coleslaw.

I could go on quite a rant about coleslaw and how much it means to me if I thought you might be interested. Or maybe I’ll just do it anyway. Self indulgence at it’s very finest right here.

It seems to me, via wiki-pedia and other inter web sites of factual repute, that the Dutch first penned a recipe for modern day coleslaw in the late 1700s (coleslaw derived from the Dutch koolsla; kool – cabbage and sla – salad). There is also reference to the Germans and Polish for their contribution (although I am still not entirely sure what that is), which actually came as a bit of a surprise to me as I was sure it would’ve been an All American barbecue recipe for sure, created by the Yankies just like the nuclear bomb or Coca-Cola except tastier and quite frankly a good thing, as apposed to a terrible weapon of mass destruction. Upon further thought though, I decided it makes lots of sense that this was not a product of the Coca-Cola company and possibly a product of a German-Polish coalition, as that is quite literally how I made my way into existence and hence would explain the love I have for this shredded cabbage salad. I don’t even think love is a strapping enough word. Love is the kind of word one would use when talking about their marital partner or possibly their children, their favourite animal porn web site or even their favourite flavoured ice cream cone at the local Baskin Robins. I think the word that I need to be using is addicted. I am addicted to the consumption of coleslaw with every part of my being. I don’t care what effing season it is, how cold it is or which Queen-of-effing-England is coming for dinner, there is always a place at my dinner table for coleslaw… there may not be enough space for you, but coleslaw can wander in anytime. There is a little plaque with “coleslaw” engraved on it, much like what you would see at the parking space of a company president and yes, it is a tow-away zone. There’s no way the potato salad or tabouleh is going to get to sit there, just on the off chance the coleslaw might show up!

Oh smoky brisket, how I love thee
Oh smoky brisket, how I love thee

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Don't worry 'slaw. I love you too
Don’t worry ‘slaw. I love you too
Smoked wagyu sausages
Smoked wagyu sausages
Fresh from the oven
Fresh from the oven
Brisket and coleslaw roll with garlic butter potatoes from the coals
Brisket and coleslaw roll with garlic butter potatoes from the coals

MY HONKY DORY COLESLAW RECIPE

½ a medium cabbage, finely shredded
1 carrot, grated
Enough good quality mayonnaise to coat ‘slaw to your liking
A splash of apple cider vinegar
Seasoning
• Combine all ingredients in a large bowl and mix well. Check and adjust seasoning if necessary

BOURBON BBQ SAUCE (inspired by Al Brown)

¼ cup oil
2 brown onions, diced
5 cloves garlic, chopped
1 tablespoons salt
1 teaspoon ground pepper
A pinch chilli flakes
2 tablespoons cumin seed, roasted and ground
1 tablespoon smoked paprika
½ cup bourbon
½ cup brown sugar
1x 400g tin crushed tomatoes
2 tablespoons tomato paste
1 cup apple juice
¼ cup Worcestershire sauce
1 teaspoon Tabasco sauce
• Sauté onion and spices in the oil until soft
• Add all other ingredients and cook out over low heat for 45 minutes or so, until thick, stirring regularly to avoid burning and fusing to the base of the pot
• Blitz and check seasoning
• Baste that over your next piece of barbecued meat or your girlfriend’s thighs for some cracking results!!
• Whatever you have left over will last for a couple of months in the fridge

So that’s me done. Jennee’s BBQ was a hit. The smoky BBQ brisket was off the hook, the coleslaw made me weak at the knees, the potatoes, the blue cheese dressing, the rolls… damn, this was a fucking impressive feed.

The foodisthebestshitever Christmas address

The foodisthebestshitever Christmas address. Yeah, just like the pope except with less robes…

Christmas

Now (yeah I can feel a soapbox rant coming on), I don’t care who invented Christmas. I don’t care if it was a product of the coca-cola company, or if Santa was created by carnies who needed to give themselves a better job outlook as elves, or if’s it’s just so the white trash kids have someone other than their parents to blame when they get a VB trucker cap instead of the latest Ninjago Lego (if you don’t have small children, chances are you will not know what Ninjago is. But trust me, it rocks). I tip my cap to whomever it was (maybe God? I didn’t pay a heap of attention at Sunday school but I defo remember some talk about Christmas and Jesus and things of the such) who decided Christmas would be the premium event of the year. There is not a single thing I don’t love about the day. The yuletide cheer, the love, the celebration! Even in the hospitality industry, which is relentless in it’s ignorance of public holidays, family time and normal personalities, we have Christmas off. I’m sure there are places out there that still open Christmas day but I think they are a totally different level of hospitality again. They are what the giant squid is to the frozen, pre-crumbed, over processed squid rings you get at the budget fish and chip shop. What the monster truck is to the mini coupe. What an average sized human is to the carnie… did I make a point? I think so… They are a bigger man than I, that’s for sure.

Christmas is what you make of it.

apparently for some families this is the time of year to get effing freaky n shit. I would have saved this one for halloween maybe, but each to their own...
apparently for some families this is the time of year to get effing freaky n shit. I would have saved this one for Halloween maybe, but each to their own…

For me it is about;
1. Being woken up by the kids at or before 6am (but 6am at the very latest) to open presents that may or may not have been distributed by a fat man with a big white beard who has been in my house, sniffing my knickers, without the dogs so much as letting off a yap.
2. Spending the day with friends and family, and calling those that are not within shouting range.
3. Breakfast in the pool. Christmas breakfast has been the same for me for the last 6 years; At least one Bloody Mary, possibly two (there has not been a Christmas in the last 6 year that I haven’t had a Bloody Mary in the pool. Even the year before last when we had freak storms for five days straight. Plenty of board games going on, but cocktails in the pool as well). The day is mine from here…
4. Eat more food than a man should consume in a day. A big lunch and then some more for dinner. Prawns are a must (I literally spend the month leading up to Christmas peeling 10-15kg of prawns a week at work so I am the finest prawn peeler on the block. This is not a joke), roast pork, glazed ham, goose or duck, fresh oysters, salads, roast vegetables and heaps more… the funny thing about eating all day is by the time 9 o’clock comes around (usually at about 9pm) I find I have eaten myself almost completely sober. It doesn’t matter that I have drunk a bottle of vodka and at least half a carton of beer. I have memories of feeling a bit tipsy around 2pm. But by 9pm… nothing.
5. Play Pictionary with whoever is left after the kids go to bed. I don’t know how or why, but it’s just one of those things we do…

That’s my Christmas in a nut shell. Each one planned a year ahead, off the same blueprint as the last. It is the one day of the year that I know what I will be doing for sure… Photo’s will follow but you’ll have to wait until after Christmas eh.

Christmasisthebestshitever!