I really don’t know how I keep coming up with such witty and exciting new concepts.

This one is an ode to my brother-in-law Barney. I think Barney has another name that his parents anointed him with at birth, but I don’t know what that is…

Barney is a mysterious man, and I think that’s what I like about him. I like to think he works for a government department protecting the Earth from alien militants from quadrant 34, and shite like that. Sometimes he goes away for a while and nobody knows what he’s doing… but I’m pretty sure it’s something important and probably quite cool.

As well as being one of planet Earths’ top alien detectives Barney has a few other traits/abilities that I know about for sure.

1. He likes to eat food
2. He likes to drink the odd alcoholic beverage (or two)
3. And this is the clincher… he can tile

Effing A I thought to myself. We will provide him with endless food and alcohol and he shalt provide us with a shiny new bathroom.

Well let’s get to it you mewling, idle-headed, flax-wench (yeah. I’ve been practicing my Shakespearian insults), it’s time to cook some chicken…

CHICKEN WITH LEMON AND RICE

You’ve got a heap of people to cook for? Once again pull out that paella pan because you know your guests are gonna be impressed no matter what comes out now…

If you have a few friends over, say, helping you tile your bathroom you need to feed them, and feed them properly. Our modest country abode is currently home to six adults, four children and one ravenous teenager. Re previous point; bring out your effing paella pan

Heat up your pan and splash a little oil around. Into that chuck some chicken (you’re definitely using free-range these days, yes?), chopped onion, garlic, a sliced whole lemon from the tree out the back, and some salt and pepper.

After a bit of heat, love and time in the pan, your chicken will magically start to brown up and smell delicious. That is related directly to the fact that when meat and onions start to brown up they do taste and smell delicious.

Once they are nice and brown you can a couple of handfuls of green beans, and simmer for another minute or two.

Now add a cup or two of stock or water (to get all of the good bits off the bottom of the pan), reduce down a little and then add three cups of cooked basmati rice that you have left over from that curry last night. Once its all hot check the seasoning and sprinkle with a handful of chopped parsley and thyme or rosemary.

Feed your guests now. They are probably hungry. I think I may have had one too many of these.

At least we have a shiny new bathroom.