Straight into it. No foreplay today folks. It’s Monday, I got things to do!

First get yourself a kilo of fresh local squid. This may not be practical if you do not live next to an ocean that has an abundance of seafood, and more specifically squid. If you don’t feel like a sea change or relocating your whole family for the sake of a burger… I think you should take a long hard look at yourself. When you’re done with the good hard look, maybe go out and find yourself a quality frozen product. Or even just use a budget, pre-crumbed, kinda doesn’t really resemble squid frozen squid ring, post it on Facebook and see if you don’t get torn to shreds by cooksuck.com.

Equal first or maybe secondly, get a nice cold beer to go with the weird spring storm that’s going on right now

Gently pull the tentacles and the guts and shit should come with them. Now remove the quill (the feather shaped internal fin or “bone”).

Cut the body just below the eyes so you have the tentacles and no other rubbish. Do not, I repeat do not be afraid of the tentacles. They will not creep up on you in the night and murder your family and goldfish. The squid is well and truly dead. They are tasty shit.

Cut the squid tube into rings and crumb that shit up. Drink a cold beer as you go.

Fry the squid in batches so you don’t take all the heat from the oil and have them stewing away in a greasy broth. 35-40 seconds should be sufficient to get them nice and crisp and golden brown. Too much longer than that and they’ll start to toughen up. Let the oil come back up to temp after each batch. 180C is good if you have a thermometer otherwise test it with your finger and if it burns the crap out of you it’s good to go!

Serve on some kind of bread receptacle with iceberg lettuce and jalapeño mayonnaise (recipe follows).

Jalapeño mayonnaise
2 tablespoons jalapeños
4-5 tablespoons homemade or good quality mayonnaise
• Blitz until combined. Not that difficult, eh?

Moby Dick.