With this cleanse looming, I was smart enough to stash a few posts in the shadows so I had a bit of ammunition while my boozy, culinary rifle was shooting blanks. Me smart boy. I could bore the absolute shit out of you with photos of the various fruit I eat each day and the incoherent ramblings of the man who is in need of a good stiff fu… er, drink, but as I happen to enjoy your company (don’t be distressed, I didn’t think that would ever happen either but happen it did… I… think… I… love… you. There, I said it.) I feel I should try and make it a little more entertaining then that. Besides, I really don’t want to be seeing myself on cooksuck.com now do I?

I am on the wagon. No, not a cute little wooden wagon, adorned with trinkets and brightly coloured felt. This wagon is not pulled from town to town by four of the toughest little carnies in these parts so I may sell my wares. This wagon is way more serious than that. Yes my friends, this is “THE wagon”.

Do you know what the best thing about not drinking is? Nothing. Do you know what the second best thing about not drinking is? You feel more spritely, excitable and spirited in the mind in general, and morning headaches are nothing but a vague memory.

Would you like to know the worst thing about being on the wagon? Every person you know will offer you a drink at some stage or the other. “Feel like a beer mate?” they will say. “Feel like a beer?” I reply, repeating the question back to them just so I can hear it again and make sure I have it correct. “Of course I feel like a fucking beer you cock. You have one in your hand, why shouldn’t I have one in mine?”

Even if they don’t actually offer you a drink they will do the next worst thing possible. They will say something along the lines of “you probably won’t be having a drink after work, will you?”

“WILL I WHAT?” I say. “ARE YOU FUCKING SIMPLE? I just spent the last minute or so explaining that I will not be entertaining that little bearded, filthy mouthed, sailor-type inside me who likes to indulge in the sampling of alcoholic beverages. So no. No I will not be having a beer after work. Fuck.”

Want to know something else really funny. I’m off the fatty meaty tasty foods and cigarettes too. Hell of a week…

Direct results of the embracing of a healthier lifestyle

What does this mean? Well, I am possibly a little more annoying to Jennee (or anyone else in my general vicinity) when I get up in the morning. Not trying to get her knickers off or anything fun like that, it’s just that I normally greet the early morn with open arms. I wake and I pull it (settle down kiddos. Finish the sentence) close to my hairless chest and we laugh at the day. We laugh about all of the people who wake and look like a disheveled old man who is walking to the local deli in his slippers and pin striped pyjamas; Um. Huh? Huh? Urgh. Oh how we laugh.

Jennee is one of those people. She has issues dealing with me at the best of times but in the a.m, before a coffee, while I am not on the drink… she doesn’t stand a chance. And I’ll share something else with you; when she’s not awake in the morning I contemplate whether I should “accidently” poke one of my children as they sleep to see if they could be encouraged to wake up and talk to me. Though I feel these thoughts may be a little wayward of “the Responsible and Nice Parent Charter” thus have not become reality… yet…

That’s about it.

I do feel healthier and I really don’t have a huge issue with not drinking at the moment, even the constant of rice and vegetables for dinner is something that I find quite appealing (it is reminiscent of the time I was head chef at a Thai restaurant. Rice with condiments was dinner for us every night of the week)… but we’ll see when the weekend comes… I think I need to re-assess how this cleanse is going to work. Maybe I should start by not calling it a cleanse any more and just lay off the booze mostly… yeah, that’s a good start.

Anyway, enough waa-waa and whatever from me. It’s starting to sound like spoutingactualshitisthebestshitever.com around here.

I’m just lucky I saved up a few posts of some food you may genuinely want to eat while I eat not much at all! All over that shit like fast growing mould on the petri dish.

BARBEQUED CHICKEN WITH THAI FLAVOURS
1 free-range chook, cut in half down the breast bone and spine
½ small brown onion, chopped
6 cloves garlic, chopped
1 thumb sized knob – check your boyfriend… no I meant 1 thumb sized knob of galangal, sliced
2 stalks lemongrass, white part only, sliced
3 kaffir lime leaves
2 dried long red chilli, same scenario as always, more if you like it hot
1 teaspoon palm sugar or castor is fine
1 tablespoon fish sauce
1 fire
fresh lime and a range of Thai sides to serve
• Bash the hell out of everything, except the chicken and the fire, with a mortar and pestle or in a food processor. A coarse paste is good
• Rub that paste all over the chicken like you want it
• Let that chicken sit in the fridge for at least an hour while you get your fire started. Note; this fire may be your oven if that’s all you have. 180C or so should do the trick
• Grill over the quiet part of the fire for 45 minutes or until cooked, turning every 15 or so
• Smokey, chicken-y, tasty goodness
• Serve with a heap of Thai side dishes; start with rice, fresh lime, green papaya salad, pickled cucumber, chilli in fish sauce, crisp eshallots, more chilli condiments and whatever else you need