Paul’s Caul… Persimmon – you are a twat and no-one really likes you

Persimmon – you are a twat and no-one really likes you

People like to challenge us (this is also the case for most people I know). A challenge can come in the form of open slap to the face with a shiny white glove, or it may be not punching out some twat that somehow found themselves looking down at you from atop their coffee machine pedestal… either way todays form came simply in the words being sent to me requesting I do something with persimmon for Queenie (Jen’s Bro I have been told) and this request has reached me as G-bags is happy to admit he doesn’t like the cut of persimmons jib and quite frankly doesn’t trust them.

So here I am bound by some weird unspoken (until now) code, that makes me turn all food into something delicious… well I did embark on a flavour voyage bound for the delectable shore of Persimmonland. But alas I was ship wrecked on several occasions and finally touched land only to find it acceptable not marvelous like the brochure clearly stated.

I felt that persimmon is a food item that can be placed in the use only if you have fuck all else to use category, as it does make an acceptable tart tatin but not as good as apples so why swap. And they can play a part in cakes or puddings but not with any memorable attributes… it is an astringent fruit that can be sweet when perfectly ripe, so with so many parameters I question its use at all.

But the Korean’s (via SBS) have a very interesting persimmon dish up their sleeve, so like all food combinations I like, I have stolen it for my lexicon of flavour and then translated it into a my own dish… what I am left with is ‘cinnamon pikelets with a persimmon, pinenut shot’.

It’s a dish that I reckon works best as a small dessert or pre dessert, what’s a pre dessert you ask? Well its something served before dessert quite obviously and I’d think by now we wouldn’t have to continually be answering such ridiculous questions… sort your shit out people, study, learn and live for fucks sakes live!!!

So I’m going to flip the recipe writing world on its head because it bores me writing recipes, one cup of who gives a fuck stirred into half a kilo of eternal boredom writing this shit… I will still use measurements when needed and I may even bullet point the shit out of it, but it will be like I always bang on about, a guide not a recipe…

“Teach my peeps to cook and they’ll be sorted, teach my peeps to follow a recipe and bitches be back tomorrow”


Here begins the guide to cinnamon pikelets

To make pikelets is as easy as it gets and no need for measuring cup or jug to be found, dirtied and cleaned… this a measure free zone, right here right now we’re baking mavericks, left of centre, outside the box… we are walking talking paper bag shooting cowboys… but basically we are just people making pikelets, so don’t fear us mavericks.
Alright in a large metal bowl (don’t care if not metal) pour a small pile (think big fist)(now get head out of gutter) of self raising flour…

“Shall we sift it?” you say
“I don’t give a fuck” I reply

Now pour a small amount of castor sugar into the flour, probably about 1/10 of the amount of flour, now crack an egg in there and pour a bit of milk into the mix and start to whisk together, just start with a little milk and keep adding until a thick batter is formed…

Now melt two tablespoons of butter in the micro or on a stove if that’s the way you roll and whisk into the batter…

Now dip your finger in the batter, this is for two reasons, number one to check it coats your finger nicely not a gluggy mess or watery slop and number two to check if it tastes nice, so stick that finger in your face hole and see if your brain likes what it tastes, if it does then the batter is ready to relax and rest for 30 minutes minimum… if it doesn’t like taste or thickness it can be adjusted with any of the ingredients used in the preparation of said dish…

Final step in the life cycle of a pikelets is to be cooked in a pan, heat pan, oil pan with butter/oil blend and fry small spoonful’s of mixture making rounds of batter into crispy yet fluffy disc’s… drain on towel then sprinkle with cinnamon sugar (recipe is in the name)

This is half of the dish complete the other half is a spiced sugar stock, infused persimmon and toasted pinenut shot

2 litres water
100g ginger (peeled and thinly sliced)
12 cinnamon stick
1 cup molasses (or brown sugar)
2 persimmons (thinly sliced)
2 tablespoons pinenuts (toasted)

In a pot simmer top four ingredients for 15 minutes then strain and all to cool with the thinly sliced persimmon in it.

Serve in a shot glass chilled with warm pinenuts and cinnamon pikelets on the side.

A strange dish but its got so much warmth and flavour it could become a winter favourite… that shit kinda rhymed all by it self, shit just got real

Hope this appeases your want Queenie?

16 responses to “Paul’s Caul… Persimmon – you are a twat and no-one really likes you”

  1. I just like everything you do even though I don’t like persimmons – I didn’t even include a recipe with my post tonight – how many times can you post a recipe for pork 🙂

  2. Serendipity led me here (that and WordPress i guess). My heart is full of joy to see that one can cook successfully with this odd fruit. I had a box of persimmons ripening for weeks. (A gift.) They weighed heavily upon me, persimmon jam? Couldn’t be arsed. Persimmon cake, muffins…anyone? Every time I would taste one to see if it was ripe, gag worthy astringency socked me in the mouth. Having tasted a ripe persimmon once before, it was actually quite nice. But my box of little mofo’s were hideous upon every tasting. Imagine my relief when I threw the entire box in the bin. Guilt ridden but free, free again.

  3. I love this post. I hate persimmons but you’ve somehow redeemed them through coarse language and cinnamon sugar. Oh, and that quote about teaching peeps to cook (aka ‘The gospel according to Paul’)? It’s the truth. TRUTH, bro. Seriously, I want to tattoo that on my arm.

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