Cauli-cous… and the Paleo Diet

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Paleo diet… passing fad, healthier lifestyle or just a strange looking word?

Quite frankly, I don’t care. I care for the answer to this question like the eunuch cares for the sexy young lady and her pleasures of the flesh. Not at all! I couldn’t spare a fuck to donate to the dubious cause of the pan handling homeless person that is the paleo diet. Except, that is, that my dear Jennee has booked herself in for the full bells and whistles paleo Contiki tour (the one complete with free Hawaiian print shirt and endless cocktails garnished with no less than half an acre of tropical rainforest). Yes, she has jumped on the boat (it’s a metaphorical boat, though. She hasn’t left me for an Adonis of a Greek man called Paleo. She is literally standing right next to me here) with a heap of smelly strangers and headed for the crystal clear blue waters and the sun-bleached sandy beaches of paleo dreaming. What a lucky girl…

Now it is up to me to convert everything I know and love to comply with the dietary requisites of this new regime and make it damn tasty.

But first, a few guidelines… No dairy*, no processed foods (this one is fine by me), no pulses, no grains, and I shall reiterate that last one for you; no fucking grains. She has immediately pput (this is me developing a slight stutter because I am more than a little afraid) me on my culinary back foot. Everything I know and love is based on grains and pulses. Even the whole gluten-free thing is manageable because I can still use grains and pulses, but no grains and pulses… damn you and your paleology! I shall rise from the ashes like the phoenix and this shall end up another conquest that I shall write about in my diary, right after I add the story of how I built my new tree house and my study on sustainability of said tree house after the holocaust.

This is something I like to call cauli-cous. It was born from a mother whom no-one knows. I saw it on a blog somewhere on my computer screen, of that I am sure, but you can see just about anything inside your computer these days… This mother may not be known, but for what she had done for the people of the paleo diet, as that could become their new grain, their new cous-cous, their cauli-cous, if I may, many would love her.

The cauli-cous
The cauli-cous

Served with a nice tagine - it went down a treat
Served with a nice tagine – it went down a treat
The cauli-broccoli version
The cauli-broccoli version
That got served with slow roasted lamb ribs and was also damn tasty
That got served with slow roasted lamb ribs and was also damn tasty

CAULI-COUS (for 6)

1 medium cauliflower, chopped into thumb sized florets (feel free to replace some cauliflower with broccoli that’s how you want to roll. Do not replace it with actual thumbs)
1 cup almonds, or cashews, or pinenuts, or don’t even worry about the nuts if you don’t want
1 tablespoon cumin seed (or whatever spice you like. Garam masala, mustard seed, sumac, etc)
Seasoning
Olive oil
1 handful of fresh herbs (parsley, coriander, mint, chervil), to garnish

• Pulse cauliflower and nuts in a food processer until fine and crumbly – just like cous-cous (Do it in three or four batches for an even crumb)
• Heat some oil in a pan. Add the cauli-cous and cumin and a good hit of salt and pepper
• Kinda stir fry the cauli-cous for 2-3 minutes, until starting to colour a little
• Check seasoning and serve garnished with chopped herbs and a heap of other good shit

*We will discuss this point again soon

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35 thoughts on “Cauli-cous… and the Paleo Diet

  1. Well I would go paleo too if someone would cook me that shit.
    Bear this in mind though, my friend. Creatures evolve. Just because someone decided we should mimic our long lost relative’s diets doesn’t mean we should. I’m with you on the ‘no processed foods’ rule but that’s as far as this homo sapien will go. I like my milk n cheese, and rice, and lentils far too much to ever jump on this band wagon.
    good luck my friend.
    PS. You do know that no grains means no beer and most other fermented spirits right?

      1. phewf.
        Now that I’ve said that tonight’s dinner is on instagram. I’m pretty sure it’s paleo…though I guess mustard counts as a grain. Also not shown..kohlrabi and carrot latkes.
        Does wifey have to give up mustard?!

      2. I’ve made the cauli rice before…I just prefer regular rice because cauliflower is 1)one of my most hated veggies and 2)because it doesn’t soak up sauce like rice does.
        And to keep things in context…I do have a degree in paleontology and no, it’s not the study of dinosaurs like everyone asks lol.

  2. I think the good thing about Paleo is that having a meal or two of it a week for those of use that aren’t Paleo is fine and dandy. I adore rice so I wouldn’t give that up, but other grains, I think I could do without. If you’re replacing nutritionally poor things with nutritionally dense, then it’s gotta be good right? As long as you’re not still hungry at the end of the day…or you might just find yourself eating more.

    I love cauliflower but I haven’t delved into cauliflower rice our couscous yet…or even the faddish cauliflower pizza (jeez…what kind of food blogger am I?). I think The Koala would pee in my lunchbox if I messed with his pizza. He was already a frowny biscuit when I started experimenting with gluten free pizza bases.

    You make anything look good though. I’d eat that couscous in a heartbeat. Those slow roasted lamb ribs look damn good too.

  3. Good on you for experimenting with eh paleo shmaleo for your lovely wife. I have looked at making this kind of cauliflower ricey type thing for a while now but have had a bad case of the CBA’s (can’t be arsed). I like the addition of the spice and nuts. Maybe just get off my old proverbial and try it.

  4. Good luck with the whole no grains thing… I’ll double my intake… just for you. I’ll also take a second serving of those ribs while I’m at it.

  5. Daaaamn homie!
    You make Paleo look good as shit.

    I’ll stand by as an observer of this trend because when the more liquor, less weight comes along, I plan on sacrificing myself to prove it works.
    Can’t afford to be side tracked by Paleo…please.

  6. Wow delish. You may have seen the caulicouscous on my blog…http://sercocinera.wordpress.com/2014/07/23/spiced-cauliflower-couscous/….but by far I did not invent it. I think I saw some paleo friendly site. I think it’s a decent substitute. You just have to make sure you spice it well and disguise it. Those ribs look fantastic. No grains..wow. At least you’ve got this! However I just discovered the joys of bulgar so there’s just no way this would work for me. It is a great substitute though. For realz. Good luck to Jennee!

  7. Couldn’t go paleo but definitely would love this cauli-cous! Especially with lamb chops. Actually now that I think about it I don’t really like grains with meat, it’s a bit of a food combining mismatch in my opinion, which I usually keep to myself! I’m going to make this.

  8. Ugh, I feel for you. I was perfectly happy gluten and dairy free and now that I’m mostly grain free too…who knew THAT would be such a change?? I ordered several Paleo cookbooks and I’m so happy to see you tried the cauliflower. They seem to use it as a substitute for rice and are happy with it. Now that you’ve tried it and have made it look so fantastic, I’m definitely going to give it a try!

  9. Wow, no grains or dairy?! At least you’ve got meat. And this cauli cous which sounds nice! I don’t have a food processor, otherwise I’d be making some. I must get a food processor. I’ve seen a recipe that makes a pizza base out of cauliflower and ground almonds but you need a food processor! Gah! I bet that would be in line with paleo rules!

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