Quite frankly, I don’t care. I care for the answer to this question like the eunuch cares for the sexy young lady and her pleasures of the flesh. Not at all! I couldn’t spare a fuck to donate to the dubious cause of the pan handling homeless person that is the paleo diet. Except, that is, that my dear Jennee has booked herself in for the full bells and whistles paleo Contiki tour (the one complete with free Hawaiian print shirt and endless cocktails garnished with no less than half an acre of tropical rainforest). Yes, she has jumped on the boat (it’s a metaphorical boat, though. She hasn’t left me for an Adonis of a Greek man called Paleo. She is literally standing right next to me here) with a heap of smelly strangers and headed for the crystal clear blue waters and the sun-bleached sandy beaches of paleo dreaming. What a lucky girl…
Now it is up to me to convert everything I know and love to comply with the dietary requisites of this new regime and make it damn tasty.
But first, a few guidelines… No dairy*, no processed foods (this one is fine by me), no pulses, no grains, and I shall reiterate that last one for you; no fucking grains. She has immediately pput (this is me developing a slight stutter because I am more than a little afraid) me on my culinary back foot. Everything I know and love is based on grains and pulses. Even the whole gluten-free thing is manageable because I can still use grains and pulses, but no grains and pulses… damn you and your paleology! I shall rise from the ashes like the phoenix and this shall end up another conquest that I shall write about in my diary, right after I add the story of how I built my new tree house and my study on sustainability of said tree house after the holocaust.
This is something I like to call cauli-cous. It was born from a mother whom no-one knows. I saw it on a blog somewhere on my computer screen, of that I am sure, but you can see just about anything inside your computer these days… This mother may not be known, but for what she had done for the people of the paleo diet, as that could become their new grain, their new cous-cous, their cauli-cous, if I may, many would love her.
CAULI-COUS (for 6)
1 medium cauliflower, chopped into thumb sized florets (feel free to replace some cauliflower with broccoli that’s how you want to roll. Do not replace it with actual thumbs)
1 cup almonds, or cashews, or pinenuts, or don’t even worry about the nuts if you don’t want
1 tablespoon cumin seed (or whatever spice you like. Garam masala, mustard seed, sumac, etc)
1 handful of fresh herbs (parsley, coriander, mint, chervil), to garnish
• Pulse cauliflower and nuts in a food processer until fine and crumbly – just like cous-cous (Do it in three or four batches for an even crumb)
• Heat some oil in a pan. Add the cauli-cous and cumin and a good hit of salt and pepper
• Kinda stir fry the cauli-cous for 2-3 minutes, until starting to colour a little
• Check seasoning and serve garnished with chopped herbs and a heap of other good shit
*We will discuss this point again soon