Porky Thai fried rice – because it’s tops and I never get thai-ed of it.


I know. The thai-ed thing has been done before. I like it. That’s all.

Thai fried rice goes nicely with pork ribs or any other lump of BBQ pork you may like to grace it with. This rice is going to be your friend. You’re not going to kick it out of bed that’s for sure. It goes great guns hot or cold, and it’s crying out for a piece of smoky delicious pork like a newborn child screaming for his mother’s milk.

The thing with this fried rice is that it also works very well with shredded duck or seafood. In fact, my favourite incarnation of this fried rice is a pulled pork and king prawn version. Fucking A, right?

Make a full batch of the sauce and use it for chilli duck and mushroom stir-fry, stir-fried vegetables or squirt (yes, I said squirt) it in the eye of would be intruders.

PORKY THAI FRIED RICE

(serves 4)

12 cooked pork ribs or 500 – 600 g cooked pork belly, shoulder, hock, etc.
2 eggs
3 cups chopped vegetables. I used green beans, zucchini and cherry tomatoes, but use whatever it is that you like – carrot, capsicum, Asian greens, baby corn, etc.
5 cups cooked rice* from the day before, left un-covered in the fridge overnight**
150ml of fried rice sauce (recipe follows)
Chopped shallots (scallions), crisp eshallots, chilli sambal and fresh lime to garnish

• Light a burner on your stovetop and heat your wok over a high flame. Let it get hot. Proper hot. What’s that? You don’t have a wok. Well turn head down to your local hospitality supply warehouse or Asian food store (the Asians will defo give you a better deal because chances are they actually sold it to the other guys) and buy yourself a nice wok. Get home with your new wok and realise that your house is burning down because you didn’t turn the stovetop off and some shit caught on fire
• At least you still have your wok.
• Go now and rebuild your life, we’ll get back to the rice later…
• OK. Ready?
• Get that wok hot. Add a couple of tablespoons of oil. Don’t splash yourself with this oil because it will get bloody hot really fast.
• And I should have mentioned before that if you don’t have all of your mis en place ready now you should give up. This is going to be a quick process and, as with all stir-fries, you should have everything at the ready.
• Now evoke the spirit of the ancient Asian wok gods and, as the Ramones once said, Let’s Go!
• Quickly scramble the eggs and then put them aside.
• Add the vegetables and pork product to the hot wok. Stir fry for 2 minutes.
• Add the rice and toss for another two minutes. Toss, toss, toss.
• Add the sauce and the scrambled eggs. Give it two more minutes on the heat and that should be done.
• Plate up and garnish with shallots, crisp eshallots, chilli sambal and fresh lime.
• Nom, nom, nom, chow

FRIED RICE SAUCE

350ml yellow bean sauce, find it and enjoy its company. I use healthy boy brand
150ml fish sauce
250g grated palm sugar or castor sugar
300ml oyster sauce
250g nam prik pao (chilli in soy bean oil), once again find it etc.
200ml tamarind puree
• Mix all ingredients thoroughly until combined
• Store in the fridge for ages

*you will need approximately 2 cups of dried rice for this and then you cook it and it magically becomes 5 cups of cooked rice. Alternately, the local Asian takeaway will generally be happy you sell you your required amount of cooked rice for pretty much fuck all.

**this dries the rice out and stops it from clumping and making shitty weird rice instead of great fried rice.

Grilled pork belly tacos


Pork belly tacos.

This was smoky, grilly-meat-juicy deliciousness. I honestly feel that glowing coals are truly the way to make a piece of pig feel properly loved.

The pork belly was rubbed with sea salt and then cooked on the bottom level of the bullet smoker with no water pan at 350 F (180 C) for 3 hours. It was flipped and rotated every half hour so the crackle got a little love.

The pork was given the additional flavour boost of a chorizo sausage on the grill also, just because there’s not too many things in life that can’t be improved with a grilled chorizo sausage.

This was chopped up like a bag of Snoop Dogg’s finest sensimila and then scooped into the magical little edible plate that is the tortilla (I’m still thanking I-don’t-know-who for the invention of any kind of edible plate).

It was then pretty happy to receive a little cosmetic gratification in the way of some chopped onion, a little mango (because mango is a symbol of summer and summer is the time for Christmas in Australia and Christmas is all about the good times so mango is welcome at my house and can sleep with my sister anytime), charred jalapeno hot sauce and coriander.

This is the sort of thing that requires a bit of company and at least one beer to wash it down.

Get the eff on it.

Oh yeah, and happy Christmas and all that if I forget about all that stuff next week.

Grill that pork

Heat beads premium lump charcoal was my fuel of choice
Chop the pork belly and chorizo up together

Get that onto the table

GRILLED PORK TACOS

(serves 4)

800 g pork belly – maybe 500 g for tacos and then the rest for breakfast tomorrow
1 – 2 chorizo sausage
¼ brown, white or red onion, diced
1 mango, diced
1 handful coriander
1 – 2 limes, cut into wedges
Charred jalapeno hot sauce or whatever it is hot sauce that you love
16 soft tacos / tortillas

The words that are written above are the recipe.
Go now.
Cook and eat.

Wash it down with your favourite brew

BBQ pork nachos loaded with a few things including charred jalapeno hot sauce


Nachos are a pretty commonplace meal around these here parts, especially when it’s dinner for just me and the boys (I am father to 11 and 12-year-old boys just in case you didn’t already know that).

In fact, it would be true to say nachos, burgers and pizza form my children’s’ holy trinity of foods they would be most happy living off of for the remainder of their childhood years.

Also, I feel that nachos of some description are within the realms of most people’s kitchen skill set (just maybe not yours) so I will not give you a recipe for them today. Instead I will tell you what I put with mine and maybe you can do something like that too.

Heads up – my list of ingredients does include a charred jalapeño hot sauce for which I will be providing you with a recipe.

I am a nice guy.

Here’s what it was;
BBQ pork,
Refried beans,
Avocado / guacamole,
Sour cream,
Tomato salsa,
Cheese,
BBQ sauce (to anoint that pork),
Charred jalapeno hot sauce,
Corn chips


CHARRED JALAPENO HOT SAUCE

This is a version of my original hot sauce – the prototype being made with non-charred long red chillis. A version of this stuff is on the table with every, I repeat, every meal we have.

1 kg (2 ¼ lb) jalapeños, grilled over coals until a little charred and blistered just like in the pic
2 cloves garlic, peeled
100 g (3 ½ oz) castor sugar
1 tblsp salt
250ml (8 fl oz) white vinegar
500ml (16 fl oz) water

Blitz or chop the chilli and garlic to a rough consistency.
Transfer to a glass jar and add all other ingredients. Sit on the kitchen bench for 5 days with the lid on but ajar so the sauce can breathe, stirring every day.
Transfer chilli mixture to a pot and heat the sauce until it comes to the simmer. Simmer for 10 minutes, stirring every now and then.
Allow to cool and then puree to a smooth-ish consistency with a stick wizz or in a blender.
Seal and store in the refrigerator.
Hot sauce will keep for… actually I don’t know how long because it’s always gone within a few weeks around here.

Ham


Ham.

Now, there’s going to be a lot of different stories floating around the world wide super-web at the moment all tell you how to cook a decent ham… well, in actual fact that may be more applicable to the couple of weeks prior to Christmas but, as we all know, I am not the most talented at being super organized for this sort of thing so for now I shall just be pretending I am super organized and on the program (and not just the methadone program for a change).

So, about that ham…

Like I said, there is a lot of different ways to cook a ham much like say, skinning a cat or pleasuring a lady-man. I am not here to tell you my method is more righteous and will light the path to the heavens for you, but let me tell you it is pretty damn good and I am feeling more than just a little enlightened right now.

Hallelujah!

The other thing about what I did is, well, I cooked the ham from scratch which automatically gets you 300% more kudos than just glazing a store bought smoky leg o’ pig. Also smoking a ham is not nearly as hard as you think it might be, as long as you have a smoker (Bullet/barrel or off-set is what I have used) and a probe thermometer.

You will also be needing a brined (or pickled) leg of pork for this exercise. You should be able to hook this up from your local decent butcher if you give him a little notice.

This recipe is for 9kg of pure porcine glory. If you have a smaller leg, or even half a leg, the cooking time is going to be reduced. Just keep an eye on that internal temperature and hoist it when it hits 170F.

You’re gonna need a smoker
This is a very sexy sight
Get the skin off it (but save it for something like baked beans at the end of the week), glaze it up and get it back into your heated barrel
Carve it at the table like a boss because let’s face it, you are definitely a boss

SMOKED HAM

(serves a small village)

1x 8-9kg leg of brined (pickled) pork
A smoker
Lump charcoal
A few bits of flavoursome smoky wood. I used ironbark

Get your smoker on and get it up to 225-250F. The ham will take somewhere in the vicinity of 8 hours to cook, so bare this in mind when you are setting up your pit.
Add a piece of smoky flavour wood.
Get that leg of pork into the smoker, insert temperature probe into thickest part of the leg and put the lid on so it may do its thing.
Drink a beer.
If you are happy your pit is going to hold its temp for a few hours you could go and have a nap or watch I little bit of that carnival folk pornography I know you love so much.
Now it’s all about keeping that temperature and chucking a bit of smoky flavour wood on the coals every hour.
Once that internal probe tells you it’s 170F in the middle of that leg it’s time to pull it out.
Now you have ham.
Rest the ham for half an hour or refrigerate for a later date. Remove skin, leaving as much of the fat as you think you like (I like to leave it all for flavour and moistness), score (I gave it 10 out of 10 ;)), place in a baking dish and glaze with something sweet and sexy – this year I used 1 cup of honey and a little rosemary.
Whack it back into the pit or a suitably heated oven for another 1-1.5 hours, reglazing with the pan juices every 15 minutes.
Carve that thing at the table like a boss.
Amen.

Enjoyed by parents and children alike

Sexy corn AKA. corn porn


Just like any other story that may be attached to anything porn-esque, I am going to keep this one short, sharp, concise, moist, yellow, wrinkly, lubed up and to the point.

Firstly, you know about the standard – buttered corn.

The entry-level corn for those amongst us who think they don’t like corn or who have not tried it previously. It is for the corn virgin. It is the missionary position of the corn world. Sure it still tastes really damn good, but sometimes after eating the same corn for the whole of your life thus far, you need to spice it up a bit… try something a little more adventurous… invite other corn into the bedroom… what the fuck am I talking about now…

If the buttered corn is the standard, the mayonnaise-y, herby, chilli, cheesy corn is definitely the glory-hole-manning-swinger-tending-towards-sexual-deviancy. Next level. Give it a bash at least once in your life type shit…

Or not.

On to the corn!

Sexy corn looking all sexy and shit.

SEXY CORN (per person for as many people as you like)

1 cob of sweet corn
1 tablespoon mayonnaise – home made or kewpie would be good choices
1 teaspoon hot sauce
1 heaped tablespoon of finely grated parmesan or pecorino
1 handful of chopped mixed herbs (coriander, parsley, oregano, chives)
A little finely sliced spring onion (scallion)
¼ lime zest, lime reserved to squeeze over corn
Salt and pepper

Grill or boil the corn for 5 minutes or until it is just cooked. This should be pretty easy for you by now.
Squeeze over or roll corn through mayonnaise, douse with hot sauce and lime, and then layer with all of the other goodies.
Eat it.
Change your knickers.

Winner winner, smoked chicken burgers for dinner

smoked pulled chicken burgers
This week my eldest son Seba, informed me that he thought it was about time he got the hang of smoking.

I could’ve have been concerned and demanded that he stopped hanging out with that tough crowd down the street because they were obviously leading him astray, but I was pretty confident that wasn’t the type of smoking he was talking about. You see, around foodisthebestshitever HQ the main type of smoking we talk about is the smoking of meat.

Once again I could understand how this could be misconstrued, but believe me when I say there is nothing biblical nor quick-cash-earning about this type of smoking of the meat. Also, you should just get your filthy mind out of the gutter, this is my kid we’re talking about here…

So at this point, this 10 year old product of coital union between myself (I think) and my dear wife Jennee almost has me in tears. The lad wanting to follow in the foot steps of his old man, manning the pit and feeding the hoards who desired the smoky goodness. I was damn well impressed. This was definitely a proud dad moment for me.

After a little light reading of a few of my favourite BBQ books Seba declared he thought he would like to spatchcock a bird (his words not mine) and smoke it for a few hours.

Sound idea… except the butcher was sans whole birds today, so I suggested we may need to settle for some chicken breast, possibly pulled and sauced and made into burgers.

Seba was agreeable, so we purchased said breasts and the rest, as they say, is history.

Big Red Rub, butter and breasts... sounds like my kind of party
Big Red Rub, butter and breasts… sounds like my kind of party

Smoker, Fiskars X25 block splitter, beer brewed by the Coopers family and a full watering can just because safety doesn't take a holiday
Smoker, Fiskars X25 block splitter, beer brewed by the Coopers family and a full watering can just because safety doesn’t take a holiday
Seba get's that chicken in the smoker. The task seemed pretty easy for him...
Seba get’s that chicken in the smoker. The task seemed pretty easy for him…
Seba rolling those boobies through the red butter
Seba rolling those boobies through the red butter
Starting to turn into some really sexy breasts
Starting to turn into some really sexy breasts

Loaded as fuck
Loaded as fuck

SMOKED & PULLED CHICKEN BURGERS

(serves 4)

3x 200g chicken breast (free range, yeah. Give the little chooky a half decent life at least)
1 tablespoon Big Red Rub
1 tablespoon butter
BBQ sauce
4 burger buns (I like a slightly sweet milk bun, but I’m sure what ever you choose will be fine)
Lettuce leaves, tomato, cheese, mayonnaise and sliced jalapeno to served

• Rub chicken boobs with butter and then Big Red Seasoning
• Set aside in the fridge to marinated for an hour or so
• Get your weber or upright smoker or whatever it is you use to smoke things ready to go. Somewhere around the 110-120C is the temp I like for this sort of thing
• Smoke chicken on a tray for approximately 2 hours or until cooked through. Turn the chicken and baste with juices every 30 minutes
• Rest chicken for 10 minutes
• Shred it, pull it, do your thing
• Check seasoning and adjust with salt and pepper if necessary
• Moisten chicken with 2-3 tablespoons of BBQ sauce and pile onto burger buns layered with the other ingredients. I shouldn’t need to hold your hand through this one by now, but if I do… well… I’m just not going to. Here is a picture of my 10 year old son sorting it out all by himself. That’s all

Honestly. This is Seba just rocking the "I got this pops"
Honestly. This is Seba just rocking the “I got this pops”

This was seriously one of the fucking best
This was seriously one of the fucking best