Paul’s Caul… Time to find a friend

Time to find a friend

So you’re lonely, you’re bored and basically you have no mates… firstly ha-ha!!! But we at foodisthebestshitever are here to help, not in the collect all your details and hope to find a match in our database of other losers for you to date kind of way, but in the actually give you some real life social skills, and by social skills I really mean recipes and by real life I mean blog land aka the interweb. And just to clarify this will entail recipes for a dinner party, not the recipe to trap unwilling people in your cellar for sex games (for this please see our sister blog )

Kevin Costner once said, “build it and they will come”… by Christ that man is wise, is there no end to his talent?

I feel just as strongly as the statement “cook it and they will come”… this can be taken both in the literal meaning and the other slightly sexual way, both I believe are a good result. I’m not trying to say that by some magical power that as soon as the aroma of a nice braised pork shoulder fill your house that all of your imaginary friends will spring to life and play out the plot to a god damn Disney movie, you do have to lay some ground work for this ploy to work.

Here are a few steps that you must work on starting months even years before you want to have a dinner party…
1. Sort your hair out, it looks ridiculous!
2. Be a little nicer to people, because you are a twat!
3. Put down the burger and go for a walk, you know why!
4. Pretend to people you have a partner, it makes you look less creepy (this one has to be a long game as you then need to break up before the dinner party)
5. Never and I mean never take advice from food bloggers on dating!!!!!

Once you have tricked people into thinking you are better then you actually are, you are ready to start dating (actually think this is one of my favourite sentences I’ve ever written)

So whats the next step?

Go up to the hottest person you know at work and ask them to your place for an intimate dinner? FUCK NO!!!!

That shit would be social suicide and ruin all the work we have achieved on this journey so far… what you must do is invite a few people including a couple so it doesn’t feel like a speed dating evening… and as far as the hottest person at work goes, never invite them, I’m sure they are way to much hard work and will be busy anyway.

So now you have a group of fun colleagues or acquaintances coming to your place for a dinner party… Brilliant! Now all that’s left is for you to cook up a feed that will not embarrass you, make them ill or fill them up so much that sex is out of the question…

Here are four recipe that are easy to prepare, not to costly and sure to get juices flowing (if you know what I mean)

Prawns, fennel seeds and cherry tomatoes
• 1 onion diced
• 1 punnet of cherry tomatoes quartered
• ½ kg prawns peeled and deveined
• 1 tablespoon fennel seeds
• ½ tablespoon smoked paprika (good shit in a fancy tin)
• 1 cup fresh basil leaves, torn into pieces
• salt and pepper
Fry off onions with a little salt until translucent then place to one side.
Fry off tomatoes until they collapse then place with onions.
Cook off prawns in a hot pan with the fennel seeds.
Toss through the onion, tomatoes and paprika, check seasoning then add basil and serve.

Can be served on plates or platter

Balsamic mushrooms with truffled polenta
• 1 litre of milk stock (milk, bay leaf, rosemary stalk, black peppercorns, chopped onion… simmer for 15 minutes)
• 1/3 cup polenta
• 50g butter
• 1 tablespoon truffle oil
• salt and pepper
To make the polenta whisk the polenta into the strained milk stock and simmer for 15 minutes stirring frequently, then leave on very low heat for further 15 to cook out the graininess, then add butter and oil, season and serve.
• 3cups button or swiss brown mushrooms, quartered
• ¼ cup balsamic
• 2 stalks of either rosemary or thyme
• 2 garlic cloves, sliced
place in a sauce pan and cook for 5-10 minutes until the mushrooms are cooked.

To serve dish spoon polenta onto bowl or plate and place cooked mushies over, this can be on individual plates or platter.

Cumin spiced pork meatballs with a blue cheese cream
• ½ kg Italian pork sausages (or any sausage you like)
• 1 tablespoon cumin seeds
• 1 tablespoon coriander seeds
• 2 small dried chilli
• 1 teaspoon sea salt
Fry the spices and chilli in a dry pan until they smell fragrant, then grind with salt in a mortar and pestle.
Remove the skin from the sausages and add the spice mix and blend together, best to do this by hand.
Then roll into golf ball sized balls.
Fry off in a pan with oil and place on oven tray to finish of cooking in oven for 10 minutes at 180c
• small tub sour cream
• 60 g blue cheese
• salt and pepper
Mix together until smooth.

To serve smear the cream over plates or platter and top with balls (love that this includes smearing and balls… win win)

Turkish delight tart

Chocolate tart filling
• 250g dark chocolate
• 150g butter
• 3 tablespoons golden syrup
• 3 eggs plus 1 egg yolk
• 30g plain flour
• 50g castor sugar
• 2 tablespoons rose water
Melt the chocolate, butter and golden syrup in a metal bowl over a saucepan of simmering water (bain maree)
In another bowl crack the eggs and give a quick whisk.
Once chocolate mix is completely melted whisk in remaining ingredients including eggs.
Pour into tart case and bake at 160c for 35minutes or until there is no wobble.
(note if really small cases may not need to be blind baked, but most likely will so if not sure what blind baking is then google that shit)

Sweet pastry
• 500g plain flour
• 250g butter, cut into small cubes, keep cold
• 100g castor sugar
• 1 egg
• 40ml water
Either rub the flour, sugar and butter together carefully with finger tips or place in a mixer to breadcrumb consistency.
Mix in egg and water well until it forms a ball, I may need a little more water.
Wrap in glad wrap and allow to rest for at least ½ hour before rolling out and filling tart cases.

So good luck with your adventures and a few last things to help on your way, don’t get everyone to place their keys in a bowl upon arrival it makes people feel uneasy I’ve found and be careful how many candles you use in your house as a few are romantic and heaps make you look like a devil worshiper.

8 responses to “Paul’s Caul… Time to find a friend”

  1. Macnish. If your writing these posts which they sound like you do. Your a champion. Give me a giggle. Now you know why I was hesitated to work in that cellar in Canada. Gimp wasn’t in the job description.

  2. Ah, this is freaking hilarious. Great recipes too. I’m disappointed that I’m married as I’ll never know whether the above methods would work on a poor unsuspecting man at a dinner party. By the way, if readers are looking for more ‘pick up’ advice, take a look at this (you may have seen it already. If so, that’s good. Use those moves. Now):

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