Saltimbocca is the Italian term (meaning jumps in the mouth) that loosely refers to something that is wrapped in prosciutto and sage and is done with just about everything these days; chicken, fish, veal, pork, your girlfriend… certainly guaranteed to spice up your evening if nothing else. And if you’re anything like me you wouldn’t have a problem with your lover bringing the literal translation to the party either… maybe you had a bit of “saltimbocca” from your lover last night? Good on you, you dirty dog.

Hmmm, that’s making me think of possibilities… and I’m on holiday without my Jennee by my side to fulfill these gentleman’s food/bedroom time fantasies. A quick trip to the local newsagency should sort me out for a day or two I guess. But to the fridge quickly before that; partly to see what we have on hand, partly to cool off my throbbing member. Aaah, that’s better. I’ll just settle for a nice dinner for now…

Yes that dinner shall happen even though we were up at 5:30am (yes, that’s in the morning… before the sun wakes up). We shall eat like the kings whores once again… without needing to perform indecent acts uponst each other for the elation of the king. Winning.

Pork –check, bacon (this will do the job of the prosciutto for today) – check, sage (there’s a big fat bush of this stuff out the front of the holiday house) – check, beer (it’s good to go into my face. Just saying) – check. I’m good to go.

Pork porterhouse (or porkerhouse as I have decided to call it) “saltimbocca” with kipflers and apples (for 3)
3 porkerhouse or some kind of grilling steak
3 rashers bacon or prosciutto
9 sage leaves
9 medium kipfler potatoes, scrubbed and boiled until almost cooked but still firm. It won’t be a biggie if you forget about them and cook them all the way through, it just means they won’t hold their shape as well
2 granny smith apples, peeled, cored and sliced into 8-10 wedges
½ brown onion, peeled and cut into wedges bout the same size as the apple
1 tablespoon apple cider vinegar
1 tablespoon seeded mustard
1 handful of parsley, chopped
1 cup of cream (I may have had a couple of holiday beers and don’t feel like walking my ass down to the shop so I don’t have any cream, thus will be winging it tonight. So this is how I would’ve done it, but alas this holiday fever has rendered me inept)
seasoning
• Start by wrapping your porkerhouse in a rasher of bacon with a few sage leaves tucked under there for saltimbocca-ness
• Now get your kipflers into a pan with a bit of oil and get them happily sizzling over a medium heat. You could probably even cook the vegetables in the oven if you wanted to, but I didn’t, so I won’t be helping you with that one today
• While the kipflers are happily doing their thing get another pan on for the porkerhouse. Add a splash of oil and get those porky little effers sizzling away too. Med-high heat is good for the start, but you may need to turn it down after a few minutes depending on the size of your porkerhouse. This is an intuition thing and I trust you entirely. Start with 2 minutes each side, then flip it again for another 2 minutes each side. It should be starting to feel pretty good by now. Just firm. Not too squishy. I like my porkerhouse not quite cooked through, so I’ll be leaving it to rest now. Save the pan and the juices though, we’ll make the sauce in that
• The potatoes should be almost done, so add the apple and onions and a knob of butter. Sauté until it’s all browning, caramelizing and starting to look and smell really good. Season
• In the pan you cooked the pork add the vinegar, mustard and cream. Simmer for one minute to get the flavours going. Season and add parsley
• Plate it up however you see fit
• Eat
• Enjoy your time on holiday… oh no wait, that’s me