How to get a guy horizontal part 1 (Paul’s caul)

How to get a guy in bed

One of our many followers/disciples has raised the question of ‘what dish to cook to get a guy in bed?’ so as I seemingly have more knowledge in this area Graeme has flung the question over to me.

Now I’m not saying I’ve had first hand knowledge of the gathering of men/penis’ into my bed but as a man of the world I’ve picked up a thing or two along the way.

Firstly I’d like to congratulate this young lady (I use this word loosely) for being so proactive in the bedroom department, but alas I feel the man you are trying to woo is already lost.

Which brings me to the second point and the answer to your question, the best dish to get a man into the bedroom is in its self a trick question because unlike you women out there food has no bearing on weather we want to sleep (also used loosely) with you. A simple hello is all we need to get the juices flowing and if you really must include food into the equation then simply make a Hansel like trial of corn chips from the front door to your bed or washing machine what ever your sexual preference is, and then BAM he’s yours.

So as I formally stated if you are needing to coax a man into the bed room then he simply isn’t good enough and the right one for you, OR you’re a freaky stalker who looks like a troll and have picked up signals which where definitely not there.

But I do like the idea of cooking for a man because you want to spoil him and show him that there are still woman willing to rock the kitchen and the bedroom and maybe even the garden if you have high walls (if you know what I mean) so I have given you a few recipes sure to excite any man or woman, if the food isn’t working then apply shit loads of alcohol and magic will happen.

The method behind the madness of the four dishes is this, if you put all your eggs in the one basket people will think you’re a crazy old Amish person who still carries eggs in a basket! But if you have a few simply put together dishes it will fill the entire evening with smells, conversation and wonderment then if your really shit in the sack later it won’t matter.

Prawns, fennel seeds and cherry tomatoes
• 1 onion diced
• 1 punnet of cherry tomatoes quartered
• ½ kg prawns peeled and deveined
• 1 tablespoon fennel seeds
• ½ tablespoon smoked paprika
• 1 cup fresh basil leaves, torn into pieces
• salt and pepper
Fry off onions with a little salt until translucent then place to one side.
Fry off tomatoes until they collapse then place with onions.
Cook off prawns in a hot pan with the fennel seeds.
Toss through the onion, tomatoes and paprika, check seasoning then add basil and serve.

Balsamic mushrooms with truffled polenta
• 1 litre of milk stock (milk, bay leaf, rosemary stalk, black peppercorns, chopped onion… simmer for 15 minutes)
• ½ cup polenta
• 50g butter
• 1 tablespoon truffle oil
• salt and pepper
To make the polenta whisk the polenta into the strained milk stock and simmer for 15 minutes stirring frequently, then leave on very low heat for further 15 to cook out the graininess, then add butter and oil, season and serve.
• 3cups button or swiss brown mushrooms, quartered
• ¼ cup balsamic
• 2 stalks of either rosemary or thyme
• 2 garlic cloves, sliced
place in a sauce pan and cook for 5-10 minutes until the mushrooms are cooked.

Cumin spiced pork meatballs with a blue cheese cream
• ½ kg Italian pork sausages (or any sausage you like)
• 1 tablespoon cumin seeds
• 1 tablespoon coriander seeds
• 2 small dried chilli
• 1 teaspoon sea salt
Fry the spices and chilli in a dry pan until they smell fragrant, then grind with salt in a mortar and pestle.
Remove the skin from the sausages and add the spice mix and blend together, best to do this by hand.
Then roll into golf ball sized balls.
Fry off in a pan with oil and place on oven tray to finish of cooking in oven for 10 minutes at 180c
• small tub sour cream
• 60 g blue cheese
• salt and pepper
Mix together until smooth.

Turkish delight tart

Chocolate tart filling
• 250g dark chocolate
• 150g butter
• 3 tablespoons golden syrup
• 3 eggs plus 1 egg yolk
• 30g plain flour
• 50g castor sugar
• 2 tablespoons rose water
Melt the chocolate, butter and golden syrup in a metal bowl over a saucepan of simmering water (bain maree)
In another bowl crack the eggs and give a quick whisk.
Once chocolate mix is completely melted whisk in remaining ingredients including eggs.
Pour into tart case and bake at 160c for 35minutes or until there is no wobble.

Sweet pastry
• 500g plain flour
• 250g butter, cut into small cubes, keep cold
• 100g castor sugar
• 1 egg
• 40ml water
Either rub the flour, sugar and butter together carefully with finger tips or place in a mixer to breadcrumb consistency.
Mix in egg and water well until it forms a ball, I may need a little more water.
Wrap in glad wrap and allow to rest for at least ½ hour before rolling out and filling tart cases.


“Remember this, sex is what gets people together but food is want keeps them together” I feel this is one of my finest quotes to date.

3 responses to “How to get a guy horizontal part 1 (Paul’s caul)”

  1. Lol great article! Those prawns sound delicious… Im going to try them out! Just to clarify… I am trying them out for the pleasure of eating not anything else lol

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