The Many Lands Challenge (for Sammy) part 1

Paul’s Caul… Typos and all

So the bar has been raised, what the hell does that mean? Because if we were speaking about limbo then shit just got real easy, but if you’re speaking of a metaphorical level of hardness, and I think we all want that! Then what I’m saying is we have been entrusted with a new challenge that I think to be not hard, but definitely challenging (hence the name I guess, god damn genius here)

The challenge is to create a 5-6 course menu with each course from a different country, so to make things easier I will stop the confusion and make it 5 courses… and since both G-bags and I like to share we are going to go course for course, now I hear you all say “that Paul isn’t just a shit speller, he can’t add up either” well I may be many things but a bad mathmatition I am not… (Like what I did there)

I’m going to go out on a limb here, and lets hope it’s a sturdy limb as I’m not in the best shape I’ve ever been in J I was thinking we could do 2 courses each and then you guys, the people, the public and now the judges can decide who if any of us write the final course… VOTE 1 PAUL!!!!

Brilliant idea until none of you vote and we end up looking like a pair of self serving twats, with a blown up vision of how much you all care about what goes on here in Blog Land (I even used capitals in case it is a real place) but regardless I’m going to run with this marvelous idea, unless G edits it out.

So I’m getting to kick things off, and I’m starting with Australia and this is for several reasons…
1. Its where we live
2. Hoping to sway the voting public by being patriotic
3. It begins with A which also happens to be the first letter of our national alphabet
4. I wrote an Australian themed menu last week for another project and I’m extremely lazy
5. See point 4

I did forget to mention that the challenge was meant to have a certain sexiness to it, a little something to get the juices flowing, something to get Oliver the pink chimney sweep up the skin chimney of love… you get me? Basically people once again are turning to us to help them get laid, BWAHAHAHA…. Seriously people is it that hard to get some loving, surely just some old-fashioned manors and a shit load of booze will do the trick. But to try and make food any sexier then it already is well, just about impossible. Unless you start with phallic objects and connotations, but that’s not cool and we don’t condone banana splits that look like huge vaginas, as funny as they are, we’re cooler then that!!!

That’s right you heard it here first, we here at foodisthebestshitever are cooler then huge vaginas!!!!

Back to my chosen dish, it is ‘Kangeroo tataki & ginger salsa finshed with coopers stout’ now I realize its far from a tradional Australian dish but really what could be more Australian then roo, coopers and the blending of different cultures… VOTE 1 PAUL J

Roo tataki & ginger salsa finished with cooper’s stout.

200g loin fillet (kangaroo of course)
1 tablespoon fresh ginger (grated or chopped fine)
1 teaspoon pickled ginger (sliced fine)
2 spring onions (finely sliced)
1 tablespoon tamari (wheat soy, it’s the balls!)
1 long neck of Cooper’s stout

• Firstly trim the loin of any sinew or fat, then simply seal it in a hot pan or on a grill/bbq until its cooked about 3mm in the meat all the way round, then rest for a few minutes and roll up in glad wrap to give it a nice round shape… put to one side
• In a bowl add all other ingredients other then the stout together, then add about 1 tablespoon of the stout… place to one side
• Now simply slice the roo into 2-3 mm slices and arrange on a plate/bowl or in keeping with the theme maybe you could turn an old can of beer into a vessel (much like a can bong but without the holes J ) maybe 4-5 slices per serve
• Now spoon a small amount of the ginger salsa over it
• Now for the magic, just before you serve it, and I mean just before if not at the bloody table (very ozzie) pour a good splash of stout over the dish so it’s still fizzing as they eat….

BAM! There’s the first course done and dusted, lets see where G-bags Mc filthy mouth will take us next… but given the fact I’ve done Australia we will definitely need passports and jabs of some kind 😉

How to get a guy horizontal part II

FOOD TO GET A GUY HORIZONTAL part II

As Pauly has already informed you, we have a request from an avid follower for a meal to cook a guy to get him horizontal* if you know what I mean. And not like rowies in his beer either. Lets get a little more creative and tap into what is still usable of the right side of your brain eh.

Pork belly. Ribs. Girl on girl action?

Jennee suggests that ribs and slaw may be a choice for me. But what about the general populous of males out there? Jen claims she doesn’t know. Hehe. Top bird my Jennee. Top bird. But seriously Jen… Waddayareckon?

Still goin’ for the ribs n ‘slaw option. She says that’s all you need. Oh, and garlic bread.

I say yeah but nah. We need more than that surely. What is man to you? Simpleton? Sex symbol? Toy? Gravy boat? I hope so (even though I’m not sure what the gravy boat thing is about).

Actually, go the ribs and ‘slaw option** with a carton couple of beers just to top it off. And your company is very important to us, too.

And now you’re just thinking this monologue is shit. I’m shit. My point is about as apparent as a small Romanian woman with a headscarf in a line of refugees… You know it’s there but you can’t really differentiate it from the filler. Or maybe you don’t even know it’s there… Like the bit of skin between a mans ball sack and his bum hole… What was the point again???

Does it really matter? I think if I keep drinking this bottle of red I’ll have my name on a tin of cold baked beans later on. Yeah, even I do it. Unbelievable. You’d better start re-writing your thesis right now.

In conclusion I will say I do believe the meal should involve some kind of meat on the bone (should I leave that one alone? Yeah, probably a good idea) just to evoke some of that deep seeded caveman desire to take a woman and ravish her. Maybe even have a wooden club discretely placed for him to only-just-notice and awaken the ancient Adonis within. And it cannot hurt to have stickiness to the meat. If he has to take his food stained shirt off after dinner then that’s going to help the night come together a whole heap easier.

Shit, it’s like I’ve actually done this before.

I haven’t PS. Maybe been a little curious or dished out a half-assed attempt or two, but…

 

*May not have been actual words of requestee.

**There are recipes for this sort of thing all over this blog. So maybe I do like this sort of shite. Gosh… I’ll do what I want.

How to get a guy horizontal part 1 (Paul’s caul)

How to get a guy in bed

One of our many followers/disciples has raised the question of ‘what dish to cook to get a guy in bed?’ so as I seemingly have more knowledge in this area Graeme has flung the question over to me.

Now I’m not saying I’ve had first hand knowledge of the gathering of men/penis’ into my bed but as a man of the world I’ve picked up a thing or two along the way.

Firstly I’d like to congratulate this young lady (I use this word loosely) for being so proactive in the bedroom department, but alas I feel the man you are trying to woo is already lost.

Which brings me to the second point and the answer to your question, the best dish to get a man into the bedroom is in its self a trick question because unlike you women out there food has no bearing on weather we want to sleep (also used loosely) with you. A simple hello is all we need to get the juices flowing and if you really must include food into the equation then simply make a Hansel like trial of corn chips from the front door to your bed or washing machine what ever your sexual preference is, and then BAM he’s yours.

So as I formally stated if you are needing to coax a man into the bed room then he simply isn’t good enough and the right one for you, OR you’re a freaky stalker who looks like a troll and have picked up signals which where definitely not there.

But I do like the idea of cooking for a man because you want to spoil him and show him that there are still woman willing to rock the kitchen and the bedroom and maybe even the garden if you have high walls (if you know what I mean) so I have given you a few recipes sure to excite any man or woman, if the food isn’t working then apply shit loads of alcohol and magic will happen.

The method behind the madness of the four dishes is this, if you put all your eggs in the one basket people will think you’re a crazy old Amish person who still carries eggs in a basket! But if you have a few simply put together dishes it will fill the entire evening with smells, conversation and wonderment then if your really shit in the sack later it won’t matter.

Prawns, fennel seeds and cherry tomatoes
• 1 onion diced
• 1 punnet of cherry tomatoes quartered
• ½ kg prawns peeled and deveined
• 1 tablespoon fennel seeds
• ½ tablespoon smoked paprika
• 1 cup fresh basil leaves, torn into pieces
• salt and pepper
Fry off onions with a little salt until translucent then place to one side.
Fry off tomatoes until they collapse then place with onions.
Cook off prawns in a hot pan with the fennel seeds.
Toss through the onion, tomatoes and paprika, check seasoning then add basil and serve.

Balsamic mushrooms with truffled polenta
• 1 litre of milk stock (milk, bay leaf, rosemary stalk, black peppercorns, chopped onion… simmer for 15 minutes)
• ½ cup polenta
• 50g butter
• 1 tablespoon truffle oil
• salt and pepper
To make the polenta whisk the polenta into the strained milk stock and simmer for 15 minutes stirring frequently, then leave on very low heat for further 15 to cook out the graininess, then add butter and oil, season and serve.
• 3cups button or swiss brown mushrooms, quartered
• ¼ cup balsamic
• 2 stalks of either rosemary or thyme
• 2 garlic cloves, sliced
place in a sauce pan and cook for 5-10 minutes until the mushrooms are cooked.

Cumin spiced pork meatballs with a blue cheese cream
• ½ kg Italian pork sausages (or any sausage you like)
• 1 tablespoon cumin seeds
• 1 tablespoon coriander seeds
• 2 small dried chilli
• 1 teaspoon sea salt
Fry the spices and chilli in a dry pan until they smell fragrant, then grind with salt in a mortar and pestle.
Remove the skin from the sausages and add the spice mix and blend together, best to do this by hand.
Then roll into golf ball sized balls.
Fry off in a pan with oil and place on oven tray to finish of cooking in oven for 10 minutes at 180c
• small tub sour cream
• 60 g blue cheese
• salt and pepper
Mix together until smooth.

Turkish delight tart

Chocolate tart filling
• 250g dark chocolate
• 150g butter
• 3 tablespoons golden syrup
• 3 eggs plus 1 egg yolk
• 30g plain flour
• 50g castor sugar
• 2 tablespoons rose water
Melt the chocolate, butter and golden syrup in a metal bowl over a saucepan of simmering water (bain maree)
In another bowl crack the eggs and give a quick whisk.
Once chocolate mix is completely melted whisk in remaining ingredients including eggs.
Pour into tart case and bake at 160c for 35minutes or until there is no wobble.

Sweet pastry
• 500g plain flour
• 250g butter, cut into small cubes, keep cold
• 100g castor sugar
• 1 egg
• 40ml water
Either rub the flour, sugar and butter together carefully with finger tips or place in a mixer to breadcrumb consistency.
Mix in egg and water well until it forms a ball, I may need a little more water.
Wrap in glad wrap and allow to rest for at least ½ hour before rolling out and filling tart cases.

 

“Remember this, sex is what gets people together but food is want keeps them together” I feel this is one of my finest quotes to date.