The Mayonnaise Nazi
“Who is that man in the red mask? That devilishly tall, handsome masked man? The one with the Hitler moustache? The guy who is constantly harping on about how everyone in this world and the next should be making their own mayonnaise…”
OK folks, I stand before you as my blogland audience today to tell you that masked man is in fact me… and that mask is not a mask at all, just a cleverly styled combination of chest and facial hair… well, I may have used a glue stick, too.
“What is this crazy crusade all about?” I hear you ask. “Why do you keep insisting that I should be making my own mayonnaise? I’m not a fucking chef! I work, I have a family, kids yell at me and demand their dinner and I’m in training for shot put at the next Paralympics. In short, I have no time to make mayonnaise.”
Well I’m here to tell you right now folks; YOU CAN MAKE YOUR OWN EFFING MAYONNAISE. It takes two minutes out of your busy schedule if you have the right gear.
“Oi mate,” I hear pipe up again when clearly you should just sit back and listen. “I told you already, I’m not a fucking chef.”
But my friend, you don’t need to be. Sure I’ve been making my own mayonnaise for a few years now (insert your own over-due sexual innuendo here please), but once you know how, it will seriously take you two minutes a go… both versions.
First, you need a stick wizz… a wizz stick (that’s a hand blender and certainly not your girlfriend’s new vibrator). They are available at K-Mart, Big W, Harvey Normans, Retravision – any home appliance selling type store. It will cost you 40 or so bucks for a cheap one, which will do the job just fine… as long as that job is emulsifying mayonnaise or maybe pureeing a soup or two. If you try to mulch a dead body with your stick wizz you are setting yourself up for an epic fail. And quite frankly, I think you deserve to get your stupid ass busted.
Secondly, you need to have some vegetable/blended/something neutral oil in the cupboard, some eggs in the fridge (keeping chooks will maintain a steady supply), mustard, something acidic like vinegar or lemon and salt and pepper. Too hard? Leave now. Get back to your stupid life and we’ll pretend this conversation never happened.
My basic mayonnaise, when it comes down to the bare bones, works something like this;
1 egg
1 egg yolk
1 teaspoon of any kind of mustard. It’s just like sex; try a few options to find your preferred choice. But definitely DO NOT use mustard as a lubricant while having sex. Mustard is not a toy, my friend… not a toy
1 tablespoon apple cider vinegar or some other kind of vinegar or lemon juice. Once again, it’s just like sex
250ml-ish oil
Salt and pepper
• Put everything except oil into a vessel that will hold it. Get out your stick wizz and prepare yourself for the magic that is about to happen
• Start blitzing the eggy mix and, with the wizz stick running (do not stop that puppy for any reason), slowly start adding your oil to the mix. Just a little trickle, but keep it going. By the last few drops of oil your mix should have thickened into what we shall call mayonnaise and you, my friend, have just made an emulsion*. Magic. You are a kitchen alchemist
• If your mayonnaise is a little thick for your liking add a teaspoon or so of water until it is the desired consistency. Check the seasoning and adjust if necessary and BAM! You have mayonnaise
• Pretty painless eh…
• Now you’re all set to go off and make all sorts of flavoured mayos; aioli, tartare, marie rose, seeded mustard, saffron, whatever
foodisthebestshitever 
39 responses to “How to make mayonnaise… with the Mayonnaise Nazi”
I made mayonnaise once before and you’re right it’s easy and I don’t even like mayonnaise but suspected if enjoy a homemade version. Was right – what even is that stuff in jars?! I’m convinced these two types of Mayo are not at all the same thing!
These two products are definitely not the same thing!! I’m always happy to make the acquaintance of another maker of their own mayo!
I feel guilty now…making mayo has been on my to-do/to-master list for so long. Your boot-camp approach (not to mention your intriguing innuendo) might just be the kick up the ass that I need. Thanks (I think)!
Do it my friend. It is very worthy. It’s like sex without a condom… It just doesn’t compare…
Ohhh Mamma!!! It looks super luscious. Yummo.
Love MIM xx
Cheers. Super luscious indeed!
The best type of fitness role model is someone who doesn’t try too hae&d#8212;thrn Im yer gal (and not in a good way right now) as Im all about a little but consistently. years. as in 15.mine is my grandma. she lived to be 101 and did water aerobics and weight training with soup cans WAY before it was fashionable.
fucking love this post my friend… i’ll be making sweet sweet mayo tonight, in your honour 🙂
Kitchen or bedroom mayo? Maybe both… It is Lauren’s birfday after all. And that’s why I love you!
Yours is a clever way of thiinnkg about it.
The interesting thing is that you can do this without the performance of slowly pouring in the oil. The oil can be chucked in with the basic ingredients and the whole lot whizzed together without any pouring. It works….it really does.
It certainly does if you know what your doing. I think this is an easier starting point though…
….it doesn’t look as though it’s going to work for about 2 or 3 minutes and then the magic happens.
I used that to make my mayo. Very quick and efficient although for the first couple of mins, nothing seemed happened. Great post!
Cheers!
thanks for the info on the mustard, Tips!
super post! I really enjoyed your schtick today.Not that I normally don’t but you were really on the ball today.
I’m thinking we’re gonna make mayo tonight…
Do it do it. Every body should go home and make mayo. Today should be international mayo day!!
The Punter is super clever. I was looking at the picture and thought, wow is that steam coming off that dog?So many uses – road trips, at the beach or zoo. Endless opiottunirpes for a hot doggie.
I like this post because I take issue with store bought mayo and salad dressing. They’re both so easy to do, but people don’t know that because they’ve both been marketed as cupboard standards that are store-bought. Well done!
Thank you very much. Salad dressing will be the next target for the Mayonnaise Nazi!!!
And to a lesser extent, guacamole.
Yep. No one should be purchasing pre made guacamole. You don’t even need emulsification skills for that one.
First of all…this is funny. And if you don’t get up, go into the kitchen and whip up a batch of mayonnaise right now, you’re a loser. Seriously had no idea it was this easy. I have one of those hand whizzers so no excuses. I’ll do it.
Eff yes! my friend. That makes me happy… that and booze…
I want a stick whizz, whizzy stick thinga me bobbie one of those things in my house 😉 Love the new look, by the way!
Why thank you my good lady.
PS you need a stick wizz!!
Mayo Nazi – nice one 🙂
Cheers!
Noooooooo! *prairie housewife dies a slow and painful death* Not a wizz stick!! I always make my mayo and aioli by hand, Grazza! But maybe that’s why I’m not a chef…. and why I don’t make copious amounts of mayo like you. Actually, I’m now covincing myself that the hand job is entirely inefficient when it comes to making smooth mayo. Uh, yeah…
Hand whisking is the go if you can do it. I’m just trying to help the mayo virgins out there. Even at work I still sometimes whisk the 20 egg batch of mayo by hand just to show the kitchen I’m still the boss…
I not sure if the words “hand job” had a place in that paragraph though…
#stillsmiling
Haha, you must have serious guns Grazza. Twenty eggs? Oh, and the phrasing was just for you. Glad that it was sufficiently inappropriate 😉
Eff yes!
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Thank you for encouraging the masses to make mayo, it’s the best! I referenced your post in one of mine. (http://fullbellyfullwallet.wordpress.com/2014/04/11/lentil-veggie-burgers-the-lentil-adventure-boldly-goes/)
Cheers! -L
Thankyou my friend! I think that’s always the highest accolade for a food blogger!!
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