Pulled pork burgers with celery and apple ‘slaw

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My opinion is that celery can be pretty savagely under-rated by the average punter (not that I’m calling you average – you are a bloody unique and beautiful, individual little snowflake. Fuck yeah you are). Pulled pork, on the other hand, is not.

I figure that if I can combine the two in a dirty little ménage au trois with the ever-willing burger bun, then it would be kinda like wing-manning that red headed, freckly kid into a coital union with someone other than his second cousin on his mother’s side. The celery would be lifted to dizzying new heights, the pulled pork would be humbled by the true love it never really thought it would find and the bun, well the bun would just mosey on outta there before anyone woke up in the morning, probably stealing a half smoked pack of fags and a warm beer on its way out, never to be heard from again… because we all know that’s just what the buns are like…

Eat celery – it’s good… and so is pulled pork.

The ‘slaw looked very ‘slawish

I made some oven chips out of potatoes which I blanched in boiling water for 1 minute and then cooled, followed by seasoning and 15 or so minutes oven time

Onion and pickles all day

A good time in my mouth, to be sure

PULLED PORK BURGERS WITH CELERY & APPLE ‘SLAW

Pulled pork (you’re pretty pro at that by now, yeah?)
Buns
Pickles
Sliced onion
Mustard sauce
BBQ sauce

Make your burgers with a bit of all of these things. Nice work.

CELERY & APPLE ‘SLAW (enough for burgers for the fam and some left for your lunch tomorrow)

3 cups shaved/chopped cabbage, from approx 1/4 – 1/8 drum head, honky dory, just like from the olden days, green cabbage
1 cup finely slice celery heart (including leaves)
1 apple, julienned (I would normally use granny smith apples for a little tarty tart, but today my refrigerator told me all I could use was the Pink Ladies so that’s what it was)
‘slaw dressing (½ cup of mayonnaise mixed with ½ cup of apple cider vinaigrette works pretty well for me – recipes follow)

Mix salad ingredients together and then dress with as little or as much ‘slaw dressing as you damn well want.

MAYONNAISE

2 egg yolks
1 teaspoon dijon mustard
1 tablespoon apple cider vinegar or lemon juice (or something else acidic)
Salt and pepper to taste
200ml vegetable oil
50ml olive oil (or use an extra 50ml vegetable oil)
A splash of water if it needs thinning out

Put the egg yolks, mustard, vinegar and a pinch of salt and pepper into a bowl if you are hand whisking this, or into a round tub if you live in a country that has electricity and you have the common sense to own a stick wizz.
Whisk until the yolks start to fluff up and turn pale.
While whisking, slowly add the oil in a light trickle. Don’t stop whisking while you’re doing this.
You should notice that it is all binding as one glorious spreadable mass. Do not be tempted to pour the oil in quickly. Take it nice and slow and worry about getting it done quickly when you’re married.
Once all of the oil is in there add A DROP or two of water to get it to your desired consistency, and check seasoning. Always check in with the seasoning.
If this is your first time, smear some of your finished mayo on a piece of fresh bread and eat it like you are an eight-year-old trailer park kid with his school lunch.
Mmmmmm.
Mayonnaise will last for a week in the fridge.

APPLE CIDER VINAIGRETTE

1 cup yellow mustard, or whatever mustard it is you like
¾ cup castor sugar
400ml apple cider vinegar
1200ml blended oil
Salt

Slowly emulsify oils into other ingredients. The same as that mayonnaise thing you just learnt about.
Remaining vinaigrette will last for for-ever in the fridge.

pulled pork burgers with celery and apple slaw

Go that ‘slaw. Good work celery and co

How to make mayonnaise… with the Mayonnaise Nazi

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SAMSUNG CSC

The Mayonnaise Nazi

“Who is that man in the red mask? That devilishly tall, handsome masked man? The one with the Hitler moustache? The guy who is constantly harping on about how everyone in this world and the next should be making their own mayonnaise…”

OK folks, I stand before you as my blogland audience today to tell you that masked man is in fact me… and that mask is not a mask at all, just a cleverly styled combination of chest and facial hair… well, I may have used a glue stick, too.

“What is this crazy crusade all about?” I hear you ask. “Why do you keep insisting that I should be making my own mayonnaise? I’m not a fucking chef! I work, I have a family, kids yell at me and demand their dinner and I’m in training for shot put at the next Paralympics. In short, I have no time to make mayonnaise.”

Well I’m here to tell you right now folks; YOU CAN MAKE YOUR OWN EFFING MAYONNAISE. It takes two minutes out of your busy schedule if you have the right gear.

“Oi mate,” I hear pipe up again when clearly you should just sit back and listen. “I told you already, I’m not a fucking chef.”

But my friend, you don’t need to be. Sure I’ve been making my own mayonnaise for a few years now (insert your own over-due sexual innuendo here please), but once you know how, it will seriously take you two minutes a go… both versions.

First, you need a stick wizz… a wizz stick (that’s a hand blender and certainly not your girlfriend’s new vibrator). They are available at K-Mart, Big W, Harvey Normans, Retravision – any home appliance selling type store. It will cost you 40 or so bucks for a cheap one, which will do the job just fine… as long as that job is emulsifying mayonnaise or maybe pureeing a soup or two. If you try to mulch a dead body with your stick wizz you are setting yourself up for an epic fail. And quite frankly, I think you deserve to get your stupid ass busted.

Secondly, you need to have some vegetable/blended/something neutral oil in the cupboard, some eggs in the fridge (keeping chooks will maintain a steady supply), mustard, something acidic like vinegar or lemon and salt and pepper. Too hard? Leave now. Get back to your stupid life and we’ll pretend this conversation never happened.

A good start

A good start

An even better start

An even better start

Trickle trickle. Seba was pouring the oil a little quicker than he should have been but I've got the skills to hold it together

Trickle trickle. Seba was pouring the oil a little quicker than he should have been but I’ve got the skills to hold it together

Slap that on a loaf of Mighty White and take yourself to white trash heaven

Slap that on a loaf of Mighty White and take yourself to white trash heaven

My basic mayonnaise, when it comes down to the bare bones, works something like this;
1 egg
1 egg yolk
1 teaspoon of any kind of mustard. It’s just like sex; try a few options to find your preferred choice. But definitely DO NOT use mustard as a lubricant while having sex. Mustard is not a toy, my friend… not a toy
1 tablespoon apple cider vinegar or some other kind of vinegar or lemon juice. Once again, it’s just like sex
250ml-ish oil
Salt and pepper
• Put everything except oil into a vessel that will hold it. Get out your stick wizz and prepare yourself for the magic that is about to happen
• Start blitzing the eggy mix and, with the wizz stick running (do not stop that puppy for any reason), slowly start adding your oil to the mix. Just a little trickle, but keep it going. By the last few drops of oil your mix should have thickened into what we shall call mayonnaise and you, my friend, have just made an emulsion*. Magic. You are a kitchen alchemist
• If your mayonnaise is a little thick for your liking add a teaspoon or so of water until it is the desired consistency. Check the seasoning and adjust if necessary and BAM! You have mayonnaise
• Pretty painless eh…
• Now you’re all set to go off and make all sorts of flavoured mayos; aioli, tartare, marie rose, seeded mustard, saffron, whatever

*e·mul·sion

[ih-muhl-shuhn]  

noun

1.Physical Chemistry . any colloidal suspension of a liquid in another liquid.
2.Such a suspension used in cosmetics.
3.Pharmacology . a liquid preparation consisting of two completely immiscible liquids, one of which, asminute globules coated by a gum or other mucilaginous substance, is dispersed throughout theother: used as a means of making a medicine palatable.

Amy and Justin come to stay part 2… burgers, flies and the swimming pool

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That’s right. Part 2 in the Amy and Justin saga… no stay at our house would be complete without a swim in the pool, a conversation with the colony of flies that lives on our verandah, and a burger…

It’s hot out. It’s pretty bloody hot in too, to be totally honest. The dogs lay in the shade panting, their tongues are hanging out like the old prostitute’s clitoris. The cacti are wilting. The flies are out in force like teenage kids at a Facebook party, these flies know shit is going down today. Right here. We sit on the verandah a cool glass of something white in hand. I have no idea what it is but it goes down easy (there’s a joke in there for sure. Use your dirty little mind to tell you what it is!). A little too easy. And another… but now I think it’s time for a beer. Justin agrees. We sit on the verandah drinking aforementioned beer, and conversing with previously discussed flies. And by conversing I kinda just mean we were swearing at them and turning into karate experts instantly as they swarmed around us for a closer listen. Apparently they were hard of hearing, or maybe just unable to understand our strange murmurings… Justin decided their numbers couldn’t support a sustainable existence for their species so he would cull a few and try to thin out the population. I decided it would be best if I stuck to what I knew, so I got started on dinner.

come...

come…

here little...

here little…

fly!

fly! Ay…

Hamburgers on the fire seemed like a good choice, because let’s face it; no stay at our place is complete with a burger of some description. Sometimes I think that I may actually have an unhealthy obsession with the burger and the person who created it! A deep seeded passion that makes me desire one every other day. Then I go trawling for some really overweight people outside McDonalds and ask them if they think burgers are a great meal option. I always come out reassured and back on top… I digress. Burgers on the fire. As I moved from our fort in the shade to light the fire that my silly brain told me would be a good idea to light to cook the burgers on, I was immediately reminded that the day was bloody hot, and there was no bloody way I was going to be cooking on a open fire in this damned heat! I got no more then three steps toward the fire pit when my smart brain hooked my course drastically to the left, which inadvertently lead me straight to the pool gate.

A quick swim and then back to this dinner…

BURGERS WITH PARMESAN OVEN CHIPS (for 6 or more)

For the burger patties

2kg freshly ground beef mince

1 heaped teaspoon each salt and white pepper

  • You can stop right there if you wish, and normally I do, but today I felt like a burger more similar to the ones my mum used to make, so I added one finely diced red onion and one grated carrot
  • Now mix well and form into patties 200g-ish (or as big as you want. Just remember, the bigger the patttie the longer it will take to cook. Sound obvious? It should be but truly isn’t)
  • Cook those bad boys on a high heat to get a bit of caramelisation going on. This helps the burger taste really good. They should take about 3 minutes each side*. If they start to get too much colour then drop the heat a bit until they are done to your liking. Don’t be afraid of a little bit of pink in the middle

Stuff that is good to go on burgers

  • Iceberg lettuce
  • Ripe tomato
  • Raw onion
  • Dill pickles
  • Provolone cheese
  • Mayonnaise
  • Tomato sauce
mmmmm

mmmmm

Parmesan oven chips

  • Cook chips how you would normally cook them; oven, deep frier, barrel of whale blubber, what ever
  • As soon as they’re done whack them in a bowl and chuck in a handful of grated reggiano parmesan and some chopped parsley

Beer

  • Your fridge. If there is no beer in your fridge you may need to consider going to the bottlo (bottleshop for those of you not in the know) and purchase some with local currency

Good company

  • Find your own or pay a homeless guy to pretend

*Heston Blumenthal has a theory that the meat should be turned every 15seconds or so, and this helps to keep the meat moist. He also has a cracker of a theory behind the best burgers which you should probably also suss out and try it out if you have the means. Let me know how you go… click this.

PS. basic mayonnaise recipe

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basic mayonnaise aka. basic magic

get Mad Micky to help you pour the oil in nice and slowly...

get Mad Micky to help you pour the oil in nice and slowly…

5 egg yolks

1 tablespoon Dijon mustard, or whatever is in the cupboard

1 tablespoon apple cider vinegar or lemon juice

400ml vegetable oil, or a mix of veg and olive oil if you like it fruity

salt and pepper

With a stick wizz or food processor, blitz everything except the oil. Blltz until the yolks are pale. Now, keep the blitzer going and slowly add the oil in a thin stream. This will cause it to emulsify* with the other ingredients, thus making a mayonnaise. Crazy… Take it nice and slowly at first, slower than you think it needs… and then as you start to understand how this whole emulsification thing works, you can go a little faster. But go slow until then or you’ll just keep making a weird curdled looking thing that doesn’t deserve a name, but go ahead and put it on a salad sandwich. I dare you…and if it starts to get really thick (thicker than the stuff you buy), thin it out with a Tablespoon or two of water.

If you fuck it up a few times, try again (and again, and again). It does get easier once you work it out and just remember, there are a lot of chefs out there that can’t do this confidently, so you’re doing well if you get it sorted. And then you can go on to add all sorts of other flavourings too… I like an anchovy or two, but the world is your oyster.

*emulsify. Combining two liquids that are not meant to be combined. Acidic liquids like lemon juice or vinegar help the process by changing the pH of the mixture. The liquids are combined adding the oil very slowly, while blitzing or beating the crap out of it, which suspends drops of liquid throughout each other. Tech shite I know. Get used to it cos that’s how we roll…