It’s a burger. It should not be exceedingly difficult to make one. I’m pretty sure that’s part of the theory behind it. That and being able to consume your meal sans cutlery. Yeah, I hear you as you move ever more confidently to tell me that there are still peeps out there that did not receive the memo about the nil cutlery needed to eat a burger. I know. Mate, do I know. I just figure that it would be a pretty massive task to implant that information into the brains of the masses and so maybe the almighty missed 5 or 10 percent and that is something the rest of us are just going to have to come to terms with. Yes, I know it’s hard watching these peeps chew the paint off the park bench, but we’ve got to try to deal with it. Let’s do it for the kids.

The mayonnaise really does take this burger to the next level. Maybe it would do the same for your love making…

THE “A LITTLE FANCY” CHEESEBURGER

(per burger)

250 g beef mince divided into 2 patties
1 burger bun
2 slices burger cheese
1 slice bacon
A small handful shredded iceberg lettuce
1 – 2 tablespoons caramelized onion (recipe follows)
1 – 2 tablespoons truffle mayonnaise (recipe follows)
Your favourite beef rub or salt and pepper, to season

Heat a splash of oil in a pan over high heat or on your BBQ cook top.
Place patties into pan and press down with a spatula or burger press to just under 1 cm thick. Season with a little beef rub or salt and pepper.
Slide the bacon into the pan beside the patties.
After 2 minutes flip all the things in the pan, place cheese slices on top of patties and cook for another minute and a half.
Stack the patties and bacon and move to the side of the pan.
Place the 2 halves of the bun into the pan cut side down to toast a little because we are not heathens. I only toast the inside of my burger buns because, once again, I am not a heathen.
Once toasted, remove bun and start to construct your burger; bottom bun, double patties and cheese, bacon, caramelized onion, lettuce, truffle mayonnaise and then the other half of the bun on top.
Chuck a pickle on the side if you’re keen.
Get in.

CARAMELISED ONION

1 kg brown onions, peeled and sliced
1/3 cup brown sugar
1/3 cup balsamic vinegar

Sweat off your onions with a bit of oil and a pinch of salt heavy based pot (you really need that heavy based thing of beauty for this type of chutney and jam making caper. No wait. Don’t listen to me. Just keep trying this in your old tin can pot and wonder why it always burns and sticks to the base)
Cook them on a low heat for 20 – 30 minutes, stirring often.
Add sugar and cook out until bubbling and almost sticking to the base.
Add vinegar and simmer for a further 5 or so minutes, until thick and jammy looking.
Any remaining caramelised onion will last in the fridge for a few weeks at least.

TRUFFLE MAYONNAISE

1 cup mayonnaise
1 tablespoon preserved truffle salsa
1 teaspoon dijon mustard
A few sprigs of parsley, finely chopped

Mix all ingredients together in a bowl.
Any remaining mayonnaise will bring unrivaled pizzaz to other things you might use mayonnaise for – a chicken sandwich, a chip dipper, dressing your partners bottom, etc.