Chilli condiments for Kuso

CHILLI CONDIMENTS

For Kus and his abundance of chillis

Short and sweet. Straight in and straight out. This is just a recipe for chilli jam. That’s all it is. No amusing anecdotes or humorous little musings about the world according to me.

Although… (I did try to get on with it and just do a recipe, but I just can’t do it. I need to learn how to shut up. I also need to teach my mouth to refrain from saying things until it has got the ‘all clear’ from my brain). Any way my friend Kate has got a pretty good set of legs and a nice ass I guess (I’m just trying to play it down a little cause she’s virtually married to one of my best friends’), and a local restaurant wanted to produce its own range of hot chilli and have a picture of her ass on it. Kate’s to classy for that sort of tacky shit, and they weren’t that keen on my ass, so that never happened.

Chalk up another pointless story to G. Yay for me.

Before you make stuff with an abundance of chillis, you need an abundance of chillis. So go and steal a heap of chilli’s from your neighbour’s chilli bush. A chilli bush looks like this…

OK. Now lets get loaded and make some chilli condiments.

CAPSICUM CHILLI CHUTNEY
This is good on burgers, terrine, cheese and stuff.
2 tins crushed tomatoes
6 long red chilli, deseed*, slice
1 brown onion, peeled, med dice
6 red capsicum, med dice
1 Tbls ginger, grated
5 cloves garlic, fine dice
500g brown sugar
100ml fish sauce
250ml red wine vinegar
• saute chilli, onion, capsicum, ginger and garlic until softened
• add sugar and cook out until starting to bubble and caramelise
• add tomatoes, fish sauce and vinegar
• simmer for 45(ish) minutes on med heat, until starting to thicken and bubble like lava

CAPSICUM CHILLI JAM
Dip chips in this one or just spread it on bread.
8 red capsicum, med dice
1 red onion, peeled, medium dice
1kg cherry or roma tomatoes
6 long red chilli, deseed*, slice
1 bunch each of mint, coriander and thai basil, picked
6 cloves garlic, fine dice
1 Tbls grated ginger
¾ cup fish sauce
2 cup palm sugar
• caramelise capsicum & onion
• all in except sugar & fish sauce, simmer 1-1.5 hrs
• add sugar & fish sauce, simmer 15 mins
• bubbling like lava? Yep
• blitz** & pass***

CHILLI SAMBAL
This is pretty hot but try a little bit in a curry or stirfry or rubbed on a steak or just with some steamed rice, fish sauce and crisp eshallots. Dericious.
500g long red chilli, rough chop
2 brown onion, peeled, medium dice
5 cloves garlic, fine dice
50ml fish sauce
½ cup palm or castor sugar
150ml rice vinegar
• cook out onion, garlic and chilli
• add all other ingredients and cook out for 15 min on low heat
• blitz**

*if you like a bit of spice in your life you should try this house just down the road from me. heaps of people go there and they all put their keys into a hat, and then… I mean, you can leave the seeds in. And add more chilli if you like it really hot

**be damn well careful when blitzing hot chilli sauces. Especially ones with heaps of sugar in them. That shit is going to let you no if it gets in your eye or on your wee-wee. Although you definitely shouldn’t be blitzing hot chilli sauce with your wee-wee out. And while I’m at it, don’t touch your pee-pee if you have chilli on your fingers. It effing well hurts like a bitch and that shit don’t wash off

***pass. No. this does not mean you get to move on to the next question. In the commercial kitchen it means you take your sauce, soup or stock and pass it through a sieve, so it is smooth and clear of impurities. Just like my speech

lambs fry again

I had to make the lambs fry myself. I really couldn’t help it. I was craving the liver like a dirty old man craves the young boy… possibly going a bit too far there, but let’s run with it!

This one has a bit of red wine and fresh thyme in the gravy, and the onions were deglazed with red wine vinegar. Once again, eff yes!

the hippy with blood lust

My other mate Jess, yes amazing isn’t it? I have two mates both called Jess. I think it’s pretty amazing that I have two mates full stop! Anyway, my other mate Jess is a hippy. And by hippy I mean she likes to look after herself. She likes to damage herself too sometimes, but… now I’m straying from the point again dammit.

Jess is, or was a vegetarian. Until the doctor told her monkeys came down from the trees to eat meat so she better eat meat to or she could die.*

But she isn’t allowed to eat chicken. I guess the monkey’s didn’t eat chicken. And she can’t have dairy, eggs, potato or grains (except quinoa cos jesus invented that when he needed something to go with his loaves and fishes. Quinoa may not have been the best choice in my opinion but… not up to me… oh, and he invented monkeys, too)

So she is having a bit of trouble dealing with the whole ‘meat’ thing so I said I would help her out with a recipe. Ease her into it nice and slowly. Gentlemanly like… so I thought we could make something a little bit meaty, and a little bit hippy.

Introducing the STEAK OF BEEFINESS with a salad of delicate grains of quinoa, local sweet corn, tomato and jalepeno (for 2)

2x beefy steak. If it’s your first time I would suggest a 500g rump. No, seriously. Maybe a girly little fillet steak. The least beefy and most tender piece of meat on a cow. Also the most expensive. I never could understand why someone would want to pay heaps of money for a piece of meat that didn’t taste heaps meaty. Hmmm…

1 cup quinoa, a mix of red and white would look cool. Cooked according to packet instructions

1 ear of sweet corn, sliced from cob and tossed for 30sec in a hot pan

1 tomato, diced

½ red onion, fine dice

1 handful of chopped coriander and oregano and parsley

1 jalepeno chilli, fine dice

2 Tbls red wine vinegar

2 Tbls olive oil, plus extra to serve

  • Heat a pan on a hot flame (or grill or open bbq would be good)
  • Season your steak quite heavily with salt and pepper
  • Now place seasoned side down into pan. It should sizzle. Leave it there for 2-3 minutes
  • When your nose can smell the steak is starting to caramelise and get delicious, turn it over and cook for another 3 minutes for med-well ( if you got a small steak. 150g-ish)
  • Turn flame off but leave steak in pan to rest for a few minutes while you get your salad together.
  • Combine all other ingredients to make your salad, dress with vinegar and olive oil.
  • Slice your steak on an angle across the grain (so it’s not so daunting as a whole piece of girly little steak) and lay onto a pretty plate. Put the salad somewhere on the same plate and drizzle (that damn word again) with extra olive oil.
  • The hippy with blood lust shall be satiated….

*this may or may not be an actual true story