Sexy corn AKA. corn porn

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Just like any other story that may be attached to anything porn-esque, I am going to keep this one short, sharp, concise, moist, yellow, wrinkly, lubed up and to the point.

Firstly, you know about the standard – buttered corn.

The entry-level corn for those amongst us who think they don’t like corn or who have not tried it previously. It is for the corn virgin. It is the missionary position of the corn world. Sure it still tastes really damn good, but sometimes after eating the same corn for the whole of your life thus far, you need to spice it up a bit… try something a little more adventurous… invite other corn into the bedroom… what the fuck am I talking about now…

If the buttered corn is the standard, the mayonnaise-y, herby, chilli, cheesy corn is definitely the glory-hole-manning-swinger-tending-towards-sexual-deviancy. Next level. Give it a bash at least once in your life type shit…

Or not.

On to the corn!

Sexy corn looking all sexy and shit.


SEXY CORN (per person for as many people as you like)

1 cob of sweet corn
1 tablespoon mayonnaise – home made or kewpie would be good choices
1 teaspoon hot sauce
1 heaped tablespoon of finely grated parmesan or pecorino
1 handful of chopped mixed herbs (coriander, parsley, oregano, chives)
A little finely sliced spring onion (scallion)
¼ lime zest, lime reserved to squeeze over corn
Salt and pepper

Grill or boil the corn for 5 minutes or until it is just cooked. This should be pretty easy for you by now.
Squeeze over or roll corn through mayonnaise, douse with hot sauce and lime, and then layer with all of the other goodies.
Eat it.
Change your knickers.

Flood goals: all I wanted was a cheese and kimchi toasted sandwich

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cheese and kimchi toasted sandwich
To be absolutely honest, a cheese and kimchi toasted sandwich is something I think about quite regularly. The only problem with my cheese and kimchi toasted sandwich dreaming is that it doesn’t always hit me at the most practical of moments. Sometimes I will be driving my car, other times I will already be in bed and damn near falling to sleep and other times I will be midway through beating my carnie sex slave: all very inconvenient moments I think you would agree.

Today I woke up thinking about a cheese and kimchi toasted sandwich which, as it turned out, was to be very convenient timing.

I quickly discovered that today I would not be leaving the house. Housebound. Placed under house arrest by the unstoppable force that is Mother Nature. My case was unappealable, my sentence unquestionable: I had indeed been put on lock down by the powers of Mother Nature through broken river beds, submerged bridges and the formation of vast inland lake positioned exactly where I vaguely remember yesterday was a field containing a few cows, an old tracker and a farmer who was doing something very strange with his Lismore Agricultural Show Society blue ribbon winning crop of root vegetables…

This is our back yard. The river is normally chilling at the base of the tree line in the back ground...

This is our back yard. The river is normally chilling at the base of the tree line in the back ground…


So yes, we were indeed flooded in. I took this rare moment of incarceration to take it upon my own self to make said cheese and kimchi toastie* and it was bloody delicious. As I ate my toasted bread bound treat I pondered what it would be that I would be cooking for our dinner – as is often the case on any given day of my life but certainly personified when I am house-bound – and I quickly remembered I had stashed a chicken that was gifted to me by my friend Andrew who grows chickens** in a field in the hills behind Byron Bay.

But that’s up next. Here’s your cheese and kimchi toast for a rainy (really rainy) day.

Get on it.

Load it up. Pretty simple eh.

Load it up. Pretty simple eh.


Golden brown is a pretty good colour for a toasted sandwich.

Golden brown is a pretty good colour for a toasted sandwich.


CHEESE & KIMCHI TOASTED SANDWICH (per sandwich)

2 slices of your favourite bread – I used a cheese and jalapeño loaf I get from Jordan’s Bakery in Mullumbimby
2 slices of your favourite cheese – I used jack cheese but anything cheddary works very nicely
1/2 cup kimchi (recipe here if you’re keen to make your own. It’s pretty bloody easy and tasty and really offing healthy I’ve heard)
Olive oil and butter to cook
Tomato ketchup to serve because I pretty much have tomato ketchup with every single toastie I have ever eaten ever

• Put one slice of cheese down on your first slice of bread, cover it with kimchi, put more cheese on top and cover with the other slice of bread to form “a sandwich”

• Heat a splash of oil in a frying pan on low flame. Add sandwich to pan and brush a little oil over the bread on the top side of the sandwich. Fry sandwich for 2 minutes or so each side

• When sandwich is starting to brown rub top side with a little butter, flip and repeat process on other side. i do believe the butter helps it brown more evenly and also makes the sandwich extra tasty with it’s amazing buttery powers

• When sandwich is browned and cheese is melted it’s time to eat that bad boy. Usually I like eat my toasted sandwiches with a splash of tomato ketchup and you best believe that’s what I did today

*Toastie. Also a very feasible name for the toasted sandwich around these parts.

**He doesn’t grow them like people might grow corn or marijuana crops, but I still feel I can use the term in this instance. He does let them live in large enclosures though, which I think is pretty good because then they get to eat bugs and grass and shit which is stuff that chickens like eating.

Oops, I did it again… cooked pork again that is, but this time with a cracking warm salad that is great for vegetarians and meat lovers alike, and will most certainly impress the heck out of Laura’s Mess. Is that title too long?

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roast pork shoulder
I have accidentally cooked pork again.

When I say accidentally, I mean that I wanted pork, have been thinking about pork and 100% consciously premeditated this cooking of pork days ago when I handed over a sum of cash to purveyor of said pork and started contemplating how I would be cooking it, and there is not a court in the land that wouldn’t convict me and quite frankly I would convict me too… hmmm… I’m not sure whose side I’m on right now but I can see my lawyers’ stare as he frantically gestures the “shut the fuck up” signal, so I feel it is most definitely time to move on.

Now that I have established the fact that I definitely planned to cook the pork, the only remaining question to be answered was how that piece of porky was going to be cooked.

The porky in the pizza oven

The porky in the pizza oven


The porky coming out of the pizza oven

The porky coming out of the pizza oven


Ummm, at this stage I can't believe I am still taking photos...

Ummm, at this stage I can’t believe I am still taking photos…


(Just a little PS before I go on, although it may seem to the more astute amongst you that I only cork pork and eat burgers, I do cook and consume other things… just not that regularly…)

Enter my friend Andrea.

Andrea is Italian so obviously he owns a wood fired pizza or pasta restaurant. Andrea opted for the mobile wood fired pizza business as his career path, and recently he asked if we would like to look after one of his pizza ovens for a wee bit. Well quite frankly I was almost insulted that he thought that was even a question but I regained my usual composure quickly when he rocked up with pizza oven in tow. It is now parked happily in my backyard with it’s new friends; the fire pit, spit, bonfire and smoker. What a happy little oven it is now…

Andrea is friends with benefits.

Anyway, that’s clearly where the pork ended up along with a little roast vegetable number that is a ripper of a salad in its own right. The tahini coconut dressing is also a cracker and you should give it a go even if you think you don’t even like tahini. You are wrong and you will love it!

That salad with the tahini-coconut dressing

That salad with the tahini-coconut dressing

It is seriously worthy...

It is seriously worthy…

Yes

Yes

Just hurry up and eat it already

Just hurry up and eat it already


ROAST PORK SHOULDER with PUMPKIN AND BROCCOLI and TAHINI-COCONUT DRESSING

For the pork

1 pork shoulder roasted quite simply with a heap of salt and pepper and garlic.
I like to buy pork from Australia because quite frankly that’s where I live. You can be instructed how to roast a pork shoulder if you view this post right here… also, you can be instructed on how to make tantric sexy-time love by Katherine, the 64 year old dominatrix just down the street. I dare you to give that a try…

ROAST PUMPKIN AND BROCCOLI SALAD (serves 4)

• Cut however much pumpkin and broccoli you think you need to feed your crew
• Season and roast the pumpkin with a little oil
• When pumpkin is half cooked add the broccoli and a splash more oil
• When pumpkin is pretty much ready to go add a couple of handfuls of chopped spinach, chard or kale, and a handful of mixed nuts and seeds (I used almonds, pepitas, sunflower seeds and sesame seeds) and roast for another few minutes or until greens are wilted and nuts are toasty
• Serve with a lump of roasted pork and a good splash of tahini-coconut dressing

TAHINI-COCONUT DRESSING (serves 4 plus heaps leftover for other things)

2 cloves garlic
50g sugar
120g tahini
¼ cup soy sauce (gluten free soy is a good option to make this nice for your gluten intolerant belly)
200ml coconut cream
125ml lemon juice
250ml light oil

• Combine everything except oil in a food processer and blitz for 20-30 seconds
• While motor is still running, slowly add oil to emulsify
• Pour dressing all over everything because it tastes so damn good
• You like tahini now, eh?
• You’re welcome
roast pork shoulder

The pumpkin risotto that I never thought I would cook

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I never feel the urge to cook risotto. Never.

And I especially never feel the urge to eat risotto. OK, maybe once, but I’m pretty sure I was under the influence of LSD or some other mind expanding/altering substance and I was actually under the impression that I was eating fried chicken, which I was really keen on the idea of. But alas, eye witness reports and CCTV footage would later confirm I was actually eating risotto… on the floor,,, wearing only a pink feather boa… in a KFC family restaurant (at least I had the place correct). Needless to say, I do not indulge in consumption of mind altering substances very much anymore.

“So why?” I hear you ask.

Half of me wants to say it’s none of your business, but the other half reminds me that this is indeed a public forum I have created and whether it be for my own personal gratification or not, the nature of such a beast is that people will indeed ask questions from time to time. As small as this chance may be, there is still a chance that the subscribers to these pages of the ramblings of a man trying to fumble his way around the kitchen and stumble through the English language like the drunken priest stumbling through the hallways on a late night rendezvous in the boys dormitory may wish to ask a question, and thus it is only fair that I should answer it.

Here goes.

I saw a picture of a pumpkin risotto on the social media of a celeb chef who I am inter-stalking, or maybe http://www.stalking, whose name fails me but the memory of his risotto lived on. It looked good… really good. So I decided then and there that I would make a pumpkin risotto.

That’s all.

The ingredients. Note the big black pumpkin in the back ground

The ingredients. Note the big black pumpkin in the back ground

Looks pretty sexy now, huh?

Looks pretty sexy now, huh?

Chop it up and season

Chop it up and season

Eat it. Eat it now

Eat it. Eat it now

Thoroughly enjoying this risotto. Didn't think I would enjoy it as much as I did, actually

Thoroughly enjoying this risotto. Didn’t think I would enjoy it as much as I did, actually

I ate it all up

I ate it all up


PUMPKIN RISOTTO WITH PINE NUTS AND HERBS (serves 6)

½ large pumpkin, roasted whole for 2-3 hours at 180C, or until black on the outside and soft in the middle. This really does give it a nice sweet tasty pumpkin flavour. Chop the pumpkin and boil it if you are too slack and happy with second (or third or fourth) best
2.5 cups risotto rice (carnaroli, aborio etc. Probably not jasmine or basmati)
1 brown onion, diced
4 cloves garlic, diced
2lt stock, heated and ready to go
50g butter, chopped
1 cup grated pecorino or parmesan
½ cup toasted pine nuts
1 teaspoon dried chilli flakes
A few sprig of thyme, leaves picked
A handful of parsley, chopped
Seasoning
Olive oil

• While pumpkin is still hot, cut off the burnt skin, remove the seeds and chop the flesh roughly. Immediately douse it with a splash of olive oil and a good hit of salt and pepper. This will allow it to have a little roast pumpkin sexy time and come out with a warm, post coital glow
• Heat some oil in a large heavy based pan and sauté the onion and garlic over medium heat until soft and fragrant
• Add the rice and toss until grains are opaque – about a minute or so
• Start adding stock one cup at a time, stirring it in until almost all liquid is absorbed – this will happen quite quickly at first because the rice is hot and dry and hella thirsty
• Keep adding stock and stirring
• Once you are half way through your stock you can introduce the pumpkin to the party… stir it in there… oh how pretty that looks
• Keep going with the stock
• About 20 minutes in and you should be down to the last cup of stock and the rice should be damn near done. If not, you’re going to have to add a cup of water unless, of course, you were smart enough to heat an extra cup of stock
• Now add your butter and stir or shake (depending on what your school of thought on risotto is) to emulsify for kick-ass creaminess
• Stir through cheese
• Check seasoning and serve sprinkled with pine nuts, chilli flakes, herbs and a little extra olive oil
• Bam. Risotto like a baws

No Meat Monday… eggplant and silverbeet curry

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No meat Monday… eggplant and silverbeet curry

So it has finally happened. A full winter of eating as much rich, hearty food as I could possibly lay my hands on has taken its toll. That last pork belly I consumed in a style not totally dissimilar to that of Obelix in the stories of the Gaul village withstanding the charge of the mighty Roman army, has finally tipped me over the edge. The bread and pastries I have to sample (consume) in my job as head chef have done what they always promised they would do. That’s right junior detectives, I got fat.

Anyways, I’m not going to get silly about this situation. Sure I’m going to eat less big hearty food and exercise a little more but this isn’t going to be a diet. It’s just… well… I was just a jam and cream croissant, one pock hock and an aboriginal dot-painting tee shirt away from looking like a German tourist at circular quay.

I don’t know about no meat though, so maybe I’m going to need to call this day Minimal Meat Monday… maybe Minimal Meat Weekdays. I know I’m sounding like a pussy right now but bare with me, we may still get a good recipe or two… unless the lack of meat makes my brain melt away.

Less meat and more salad shall be the theory. It’s hit spring now so the weather is being a little more generous with it’s allocation of sunshine and warmth so lighter meals here I come. Even when there is still a little chill in the air something along the lines of a nice vegetable curry is bound to do the trick. This is sort of more of a rice with condiments type thing so make sure you cook your rice properly for effs sake. You know what? I don’t want to hear you whinging about not being able to cook rice right now. I’m feeling like my diet is lacking meat already and to be absolutely honest I’m a little on edge. If you can’t cook rice go down to the local Chinese or Indian restaurant and by some from there. 3 bucks. And get some prawn crackers while you’re at it.

Cook out the paste and then add the vegetables

Cook out the paste and then add the vegetables

Roll out your flatbread like a boss!

Roll out your flatbread like a boss!

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Thanks Obi. Thanks a lot.

I’m not even kidding when I tell you Obi came out with this picture for me this morning.Thanks Obi. Thanks a lot.

EGGPLANT AND SILVERBEET CURRY

1 eggplant, diced into 1cm-ish cubes

1 bunch silverbeet, sliced, 1cm is good

1 zucchini, diced

1 dried long red chilli

3 cardamon pods, bruised

1 cinnamon quill

1 branch of curry leaf

2 tablespoons tamarind pulp

2 tablespoons sugar

1 cup of stock or water

1 cup yoghurt

salt

paste

2 brown onion, peeled and dice

5 cloves garlic, peeled and diced

1 tablespoon grated ginger

5 coriander roots (and stem is fine), washed and chopped

1 tablespoon each ground cumin, tumeric and paprika

1 teaspoon pepper

1 tablespoon oil to get it moving

  • Blitz all ingredients for the paste in a food processor or blender until smooth
  • Cook paste with a splash of oil until fragrant and just starting to colour. Add eggplant and cook for 5 minutes. Add all other ingredients except stock and yoghurt and cook out for another 5 minutes. Add stock and simmer, covered for 20 minutes
  • Stir through yoghurt, check seasoning and serve

Tomato and cucumber salad, yoghurt, coriander, kasundi, crisp eshallots and flat bread to serve

The girl can cook, and she’s pretty funny too. Afghan dumpling type things…

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With much anticipation I am proud to announce the launch of a new segment as a part of this blog … “the girl can cook” …. This segment will be filled with inspirational and amazing meals that even girls can cook.  I know I know they should know how to do it already, along with getting their husbands slippers and ensuring his gin and tonic is chilled and iced ready for his arrival home from the office after a busy day power lunching and perving on the secretary…But every girl needs a refresher course every now and then.

Now as I have only made a single entry into this blog after over a year I think you can safely say that the segment will not be a weekly thing, or monthly or probably not even quarterly.. Like my cooking prowess at home my blog prowess will be somewhat sporadic, but momentous.  Cue my story about last nights meal.

After an horrific 6 hour round trip car journey to Brisbane and back with the two spawns of satan in the back ensuring that whatever nerve endings I had left were well and truly exposed and battered and my brain capacity was diminished to that of a traumatised child, I entered the sanctuary of home and decided on the evening meal.

The lobster and caviar needed to be saved for tomorrow night, as the governor general in charge of the state of Uzbekistan was due to dine with us as a part of international peace talks surrounding the current merkin crisis amongst underprivileged youths aged between 11-21 so I pushed them aside and delved in the darker recesses of the fridge.

Past two week old leftovers that I am saving for the kids next science experiment on mould spores, and over the million jars of preserves and pickles that Gray continues to make.  In fact there are so many in there that whenever we have friends over there is never any room for the all-important beer and wine and the cry of “you need a bigger fridge” echoes through the kitchen each time.

And then I saw them, like Aladdin’s lamp in a cave full of gold it shone luminescent in the fridge and sung to me in Chinese, its country of origin. The shanghai dumpling wrappers; I knew my destiny from that moment…  And it wasn’t to become the next president.

I kick ass at making dumplings

I kick ass at making dumplings

the plate of dumplings were no match for the five of us

the plate of dumplings were no match for the five of us

damn fine Jennee, damn fine

damn fine Jennee, damn fine

Jens take on Afghan dumplings with tumeric lentil sauce as she did not have the ingredients needed for actual afghan dumplings with tumeric and lentil sauce…. (or .. “the shit” for short)

 

Saucy goodness:

2 onions, diced

4 garlic cloves, minced

4 zucchini diced

2 cups mushrooms sliced

2 tins crushed tomatoes

1 punnet cherry tomatoes

1 tablespoon tumeric

1 tablespoon cracked pepper

1 tablespoon salt

1 cup red lentils or split peas

1-2 cups boiling water

  • Fry all ingredients, except tomato, lentils and water, off until soft then add the tomatoes, lentils and water- cover and simmer for about 30 mins or until it tastes delish!

Dumpling guts

2 cloves garlic minced

Massive bunch of silverbeet- stems removed

1 bunch coriander

1 bunch spring onions

Salt and pepper

2 tablespoons butter

  • Put all ingredients into food processor and chop up to a coarse puree
  • Roll dumplings- I am not going to explain how, but as we are in the youtube generation you will defo be able to learn this life saving skill if you google it, along with how to fold a shirt using only one fold and how to tie your shoe laces so they never come undone, then you can share these skills via facebook so all your friends can “like” it and your day will be Better!
  • Steam or boil dumplings until cooked

 

Garlic sauce

500g natural yoghurt

2 cloves garlic

½ cup water

salt

  • Grind salt and garlic in a mortar and pestle or between two rocks if you are living in a cave, to a paste, then add the water and yoghurt

Lay down the garlic on a plate, gently, as you want to get it in the mood, then the sauce then cook the dumplings in boiling salted water and put them on top

Garnish with shredded mint and bask in the glory that is your amazing meal… come to think of it, I think I will can the lobster for tomorrow night and serve the general this, or the two week old leftovers?

Dahl and flatbread for all of your hippy friends…

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Why? Because hippies love Dahl. As soon as I started cooking this today they gathered near my front gate. It looked like a coal seam gas rally. There was incense and patchouli, girls with hairy armpits, environmentally unsound old cars (my favourite hippy-crit trait) and clothes reminiscent of the wardrobe from Mad Max.

hippies at my front gate

hippies at my front gate

What do hippies have to do with my day I hear you ask… well, my mate Micky (who I have spoken of many times before) is a hippy and has recently been inducted into the fatherhood hall of fame. This came about when he sowed his man seed in the fertile belly of his dahl-ing (too funny I know) fiancé, Rachael (also a certified hippy). Many months later she gave birth to a small human child, who they promptly named Aurien. I’m sure that means something pretty hippy. What was my point?

Dahl!

We are seeing these guys tonight for dinner at a friend’s house and she is a hippy too. I think there will probably be other hippies there too*. I will quite probably be outnumbered. So to quell their hunger in fear they may mistake me for a large, strangely handsome carrot, and try to dip me into some hommus and eat me, I shall make the dahl… and hope they didn’t already eat it for breakfast.

That could quite possibly be the stupidest story to ever grace these pages… and it’s up against some heavy competition.

Serve it on a plate made of recycled VHS video players and eat with your fingers.

dahl

dahl

DAHL

1 cup red lentils, rinsed in water

1 cinamon stick

2 bay leaves

3cm knob ginger

2 tablespoons olive oil

1 brown onion, diced

2 cloves garlic, crushed

2 teaspoon garam masala

1 teaspoon cumin

juice 1 lemon

half a long green chilli, chopped

seasoning

• cook lentils with cinamon, bay, ginger and 3-4 cups of water until soft and mushy. Discard spices
• saute onion and spices in olive oil until lovely and fragrant. Add lentils, cook out on low heat for 10 mins. Make sure it is a low heat because the lentils will catch easily and burn to the bottom of the pot. I warned you… that’s all I can do
• adjust seasoning, add lemon juice and a bit of chopped green chilli for a bit of a kick
• tastes good eh

roll the dough

roll the dough

buttered up and bubbling

buttered up and bubbling

flip that bad boy

flip that bad boy

put some dahl on it and eat it

put some dahl on it and eat it

FLAT BREAD (unless they are gluten intolerant hippies in which case you get to eat it all. Which is not a bad thing)

2 cups plain flour

A good splash of olive oil

A pinch of salt

1 tablespoon of cumin seed or whatever you like. Except ice cream. Or lettuce. Or sand. That’s three things! I’m full of shit!

Enough warm water to make a bread like dough. ¾ cup or so. Add a little at a time so you don’t make it too wet

• mix flour mix salt, cumin seed and add oil. Slowly add water and mix to a firm-ish dough (I guess it would be the consistency of a taught ass)
• knead it want it love it for 30 seconds
• cover and rest in a warm spot for 30 minutes
• on a floured bench roll out little balls of dough into 2mm thick flatbreads
• brush with melted butter and fry in a dry pan for a minute or so each side – when they start to puff up its time to turn
• cook for another minute
• good to go!

Hopefully I shall satisfy their hunger and be back to post again…

*I just saw the Facebook invites and I am defo gonna be dealing with hippies here. And mostly girls too. And probably lesbians. And at least two acupuncturists. And a belly dancer…

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