Cheeses Loves You…

This is an ode to my friends and local cheese peddlers at Cheese Please. Di, Pob and Keejay, cheeses really does love you.

 

As with a good woman, one cheese is never enough. Two is good, three even better and four… well four is four. And they both start to smell the longer you leave them in the cupboard too…

 

I’ll leave it at that as I know for a fact feminist hate mail is one of the worst kinds to receive. Actually I would have to say airhead hippy feminist hate mail would be even worse than that.

 

I hear you say I am digressing again…

 

You hear me say “my blog, my rules, I’ll do what I want”

 

You think what a spoilt little silver spoon mutha effer I must be.

 

I say…

 

Wait. Am I having a dialogue with myself? I do believe I am. Jolly good then. Let’s get on with the show. Queue dancing girls…

 

 

Getting your pickle on, and getting your pickle off.

 

Although the opening sentence or title of this chapter on making pickles may seem slightly evocative, I’m not sure where I was going to go with it. So I tell you what. You make up something really funny in your head and then tell yourself it was me so it seems like I’m the funny one. OK? Cool.

 

Cheese is an easily encouragable main course at our place so I find myself constantly working on side dishes that justify to myself that I am feeding my family nutritiously with the consumption of what is essentially cheese and bread for dinner.

 

And apart from the obvious nutritional value of said side dishes it also means you receive necessary roughage. Which means you get to do a poo the next day, and we all know how important and exciting having a poo is. This is a good thing for your bottom, or anus, to do as it makes room for you to consume more food, and as Jesus said, we need food to live (he did recommend bread and fish but we’re sticking to the bread and cheese thing for now).

 

If you don’t have any cheese in the place where you keep your cheese, then you should build a spaceship in your backyard (probably make it a pretty small one so not to draw attention to yourself) and take a trip to the moon because we all know the moon is made of cheese, and it’s free. Of course you just have to pay for the outer-space rocket fuel but I’m sure it couldn’t be much more expensive then your weekly crack bill. And that reminds me, don’t forget the crackers…

 

Eggplant pickle

1 large or 2 medium eggplant, cut into 5-10 mm discs and then sliced to make batons

salt

1 brown onion, sliced

3 Tbls castor sugar

3 Tbls red wine vinegar

a glass of something red, and make sure there’s some (or a lot) port for later, and while you’re at it turn your phone to silent so there’s no interruptions. PS the booze is all for you

  • Sprinkle the eggplant with a teaspoon of salt an let it sit for 15 minutes while you prep your other salads
  • Sauté the eggplant and onion in 2 tablespoons of olive oil for 10-15 minutes. You want to get a bit of colour on it, and it’s not a biggie if it starts to stick. That just means it’s time to get the other ingredients in
  • Add the sugar and vinegar and cook out on a medium heat for another 5 minutes, or until caramelised and syrup-y

 

 

Beetroot dressed with yoghurt, lemon juice and sumac

  • It is what it says right there. Use your smarts for this one and add seasoning too
  • Actually I just realised I should probably explain that you should cook the beetroot or used tinned baby beetroot. To cook your beetroot wrap them in foil with a splash of balsamic and roast them in a medium oven (or the coals of a fire) for 45minutes to 1 hour. Peel them and cut into segments for the salad

 

Lentils, spring onion, rocket and tomato

1 tin French/green lentils

1 tomato, chopped

1 handful of rocket or parsley from the garden

2-3 spring onions, sliced

  • Combine all salad ingredients
  • Dress salad with fresh thyme, red wine vinegar, olive oil and seasoning

 

Sautéed Brussels sprouts with bacon and apple

  • Sauté that stuff in a tablespoon of butter and season with some salt and pepper. Keep a bit of firmness in the Brussels. Mmmmmmmm…

The young mans guide to the galaxy… prawn pasta to impress a girl or your mum

THE YOUNG MANS GUIDE TO THE GALAXY
(or at least around his kitchen)

While this little article may appear to be directed toward the young male demographic, there’s no law that says girls can’t read it too. We’ve come a long way from the days they girls and guys had to sit in separate bars, and girls couldn’t vote and all that sorta shite. So I am certainly not going to sit here, at my lifeline into the world of the http://www.interweb.superhighway, and tell you otherwise.

Let’s just get on with it.

I had a conversation just the other day with a young chap by the name of Jimmy. We talked about all sorts of crazy stuff. I got lost in his eyes for a large part of the conversation, but I snapped out of it right when he got to the part about not having enough time to cook and only being able to make crappy simple stuff. A comment that you know I’m going to rip the shit out of but surprisingly still holds a little merrit. Crappy simple stuff I don’t believe, but simple stuff yes. Just swap crappy for good and your brain for one that works. Sorry. The brain comment may have been a bit harsh…

My mind immediately drifted back to a time when I was a young man. Reckless, care-free, partying… wait up. Isn’t that current times? Anyhoo, the point of this story is that I would still always eat well. Quite often a liquid lunch but who wouldn’t agree that’s a fine start to an afternoon?

But I did make real food, too.

One of my fav’s, and a sure-fire winner if I were trying to impress a young lady, was creamy garlic prawns, or occaisionly lobster (not because I was a silver spoon little mumma’s boy, I was lucky enough to know someone who had a boat, caught the lobster, and once in a while threw a dog a bone. If you know what I mean). But that was a long time ago, and girls these days are a little more concious about their fat consumption. Hehe. They ask you about calories, and low GI and all sorts of other random army crap… so lets just make something nice and simple, easy and good, and if they start asking random questions that you are not equipped to answer make something up. And hope for the best.

But let’s remember the huge advantage you are holding right now (that’s huge AVANTAGE. You filthy effer). You are a guy, you are young, and apparently you can cook. Triple thumbs up right there, brah.

Prawns are still a pretty good option I think. Unless, of course, you are allergic to seafood. In which case don’t make this ‘cause I don’t want your effing face swelling up and ruining my night… again. But for everyone else, here goes…

PRAWN PASTA TO IMPRESS A GIRL
A couple of fistfuls of fresh prawns, from the seafood shop if you can
1 packet of pasta, cooked to packet instructions, drained and drizzled (argh. Horrible word) with a little water and some veg oil so it doesn’t stick together. Penne is a pretty safe option. Also it may seem like a lot of pasta, but we’ll eat the rest tomrrow night when you’re sitting back, basking in all your glory
1 avocado, scooped out of skin and roughly chopped
1 tomato, roughly chopped
1 handful of coriander, roughly chopped
1 handful of rocket or spinach. Girls love this shit. Fuck, I love this shit
3 Tblsp sweet chilli sauce
½ lemon, juiced
olive oil
salt and pepper
you’ll also need a decent sized frying pan and some kind of heat source to cook on
• Put everything except prawns and pasta into a bowl. Give it a little mix
• Heat the pan on a medium heat, add a splash of olive oil. When is get’s hot add the prawns and season with a pinch* of salt and pepper
• When the parwns are almost fully opaque, add 2 big handfuls of pasta and fry off for 1 minute. Add A SPLASH of water or white wine if you have some
• Add the avo mix and stir through.
• Taste your dish. It is very important to taste your dish. If you serve a dish you have not tasted I hope something goes terribly wrong. You have to taste your food, of this I am verey sure, and clearly very passionate
• If it tastes a little bland add a pinch more salt and pepper. Better? Good
• Serve it up and eat it in your face… and hers

As my mate Pauly would say “BAM”. I hope she get’s her knickers off for ya.

MY MUM’S LEFTOVER PASTA WITH EGG FOR THE NEXT DAY
• Add a spash of oil to a hot pan
• Chuck in a couple of handfuls of leftover pasta, stir
• Add 2-4 eggs, depends on how much you like eggs, and scrambled them into the pasta
• You want it to stick a little and get crispy bits. But add a bit more oil if it sticks lots
• Once the eggs are just cooked serve with tomato sauce and salt and pepper
• That’s it. Nothing else
• My brother Matt would be proud

 

*just remember you can always add more seasoning, but it’s pretty hard to take it out.