Sexy corn AKA. corn porn

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Just like any other story that may be attached to anything porn-esque, I am going to keep this one short, sharp, concise, moist, yellow, wrinkly, lubed up and to the point.

Firstly, you know about the standard – buttered corn.

The entry-level corn for those amongst us who think they don’t like corn or who have not tried it previously. It is for the corn virgin. It is the missionary position of the corn world. Sure it still tastes really damn good, but sometimes after eating the same corn for the whole of your life thus far, you need to spice it up a bit… try something a little more adventurous… invite other corn into the bedroom… what the fuck am I talking about now…

If the buttered corn is the standard, the mayonnaise-y, herby, chilli, cheesy corn is definitely the glory-hole-manning-swinger-tending-towards-sexual-deviancy. Next level. Give it a bash at least once in your life type shit…

Or not.

On to the corn!

Sexy corn looking all sexy and shit.


SEXY CORN (per person for as many people as you like)

1 cob of sweet corn
1 tablespoon mayonnaise – home made or kewpie would be good choices
1 teaspoon hot sauce
1 heaped tablespoon of finely grated parmesan or pecorino
1 handful of chopped mixed herbs (coriander, parsley, oregano, chives)
A little finely sliced spring onion (scallion)
¼ lime zest, lime reserved to squeeze over corn
Salt and pepper

Grill or boil the corn for 5 minutes or until it is just cooked. This should be pretty easy for you by now.
Squeeze over or roll corn through mayonnaise, douse with hot sauce and lime, and then layer with all of the other goodies.
Eat it.
Change your knickers.

Cheeses Loves You…

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This is an ode to my friends and local cheese peddlers at Cheese Please. Di, Pob and Keejay, cheeses really does love you.

 

As with a good woman, one cheese is never enough. Two is good, three even better and four… well four is four. And they both start to smell the longer you leave them in the cupboard too…

 

I’ll leave it at that as I know for a fact feminist hate mail is one of the worst kinds to receive. Actually I would have to say airhead hippy feminist hate mail would be even worse than that.

 

I hear you say I am digressing again…

 

You hear me say “my blog, my rules, I’ll do what I want”

 

You think what a spoilt little silver spoon mutha effer I must be.

 

I say…

 

Wait. Am I having a dialogue with myself? I do believe I am. Jolly good then. Let’s get on with the show. Queue dancing girls…

 

 

Getting your pickle on, and getting your pickle off.

 

Although the opening sentence or title of this chapter on making pickles may seem slightly evocative, I’m not sure where I was going to go with it. So I tell you what. You make up something really funny in your head and then tell yourself it was me so it seems like I’m the funny one. OK? Cool.

 

Cheese is an easily encouragable main course at our place so I find myself constantly working on side dishes that justify to myself that I am feeding my family nutritiously with the consumption of what is essentially cheese and bread for dinner.

 

And apart from the obvious nutritional value of said side dishes it also means you receive necessary roughage. Which means you get to do a poo the next day, and we all know how important and exciting having a poo is. This is a good thing for your bottom, or anus, to do as it makes room for you to consume more food, and as Jesus said, we need food to live (he did recommend bread and fish but we’re sticking to the bread and cheese thing for now).

 

If you don’t have any cheese in the place where you keep your cheese, then you should build a spaceship in your backyard (probably make it a pretty small one so not to draw attention to yourself) and take a trip to the moon because we all know the moon is made of cheese, and it’s free. Of course you just have to pay for the outer-space rocket fuel but I’m sure it couldn’t be much more expensive then your weekly crack bill. And that reminds me, don’t forget the crackers…

 

Eggplant pickle

1 large or 2 medium eggplant, cut into 5-10 mm discs and then sliced to make batons

salt

1 brown onion, sliced

3 Tbls castor sugar

3 Tbls red wine vinegar

a glass of something red, and make sure there’s some (or a lot) port for later, and while you’re at it turn your phone to silent so there’s no interruptions. PS the booze is all for you

  • Sprinkle the eggplant with a teaspoon of salt an let it sit for 15 minutes while you prep your other salads
  • Sauté the eggplant and onion in 2 tablespoons of olive oil for 10-15 minutes. You want to get a bit of colour on it, and it’s not a biggie if it starts to stick. That just means it’s time to get the other ingredients in
  • Add the sugar and vinegar and cook out on a medium heat for another 5 minutes, or until caramelised and syrup-y

 

 

Beetroot dressed with yoghurt, lemon juice and sumac

  • It is what it says right there. Use your smarts for this one and add seasoning too
  • Actually I just realised I should probably explain that you should cook the beetroot or used tinned baby beetroot. To cook your beetroot wrap them in foil with a splash of balsamic and roast them in a medium oven (or the coals of a fire) for 45minutes to 1 hour. Peel them and cut into segments for the salad

 

Lentils, spring onion, rocket and tomato

1 tin French/green lentils

1 tomato, chopped

1 handful of rocket or parsley from the garden

2-3 spring onions, sliced

  • Combine all salad ingredients
  • Dress salad with fresh thyme, red wine vinegar, olive oil and seasoning

 

Sautéed Brussels sprouts with bacon and apple

  • Sauté that stuff in a tablespoon of butter and season with some salt and pepper. Keep a bit of firmness in the Brussels. Mmmmmmmm…