Some things I reckon about the cheeseburger or, as we call it at the restaurant, “burger technology”.

Burger night was something we started doing when my boys were old enough to hold that burger themselves (burger cutlery is at the end of your arms folks. I don’t believe anyone could convince me otherwise), and it’s something that has held a special spot in my big ol’ red blood pump ever since.

15 years on is no exception.

So let us open a line of correspondence, via these words you are reading, regarding the humble cheeseburger.

The cheeseburger is in fact a burger that has many guises.

I feel like it is somewhat like a pizza in the fact that a few simple ingredients are what makes it’s the best (I’m more than happy to decline your views on this topic too). It is indeed a classic example of the end product being greater than the sum of its parts.

The patty is super important.
It seems like I may think you are simple when I state facts like this, but it needs to be said. I can handle that patty smashed, fat, pressed, char grilled, pan fried, whatever. It’s just gotta be decent beef with some fat in it. Next step is seasoning with salt and pepper or a BBQ rub and then it gets cooked. That’s it.

Use a flat, paint scraper style spatula to flip that patty.
Flexible is your next level-up because then you can get right under the patty properly to flip it and you don’t leave any good, crusty, miardy bits behind. A fish flip is called a fish flip for a good reason.

A good bun.
Toasted on the inside as I am not a heathen. At the church of burger technology we preach the glory of toasting only the inside of the bun so it steams a little on the inside and allows the outer bun to soften while inner bun surface still has the integrity to hold the burger intact. It can be buttered or not buttered first.

I don’t really have a standard cheeseburger when I’m cooking, but a few that I like go like this;
I like lettuce that goes by the name of iceberg and has been as finely shredded as your skill set allows, tomato that has been sliced approximately 4 mm thick and seasoned with salt, raw onion and burger sauce.
But, and I can’t stress this enough, the ingredients do come and go with my mood so you really don’t need to remind me of that time I put beetroot or jalapenos on a burger. Also, when adding ingredients such as tomato, pickle and onion ensure to spread them out so you get a little in every bite and not all of it in one.

I like to max out my burger sauciness.
This is more of a personal choice then it is burger technology but it does relegate me to the solitude of dark shadows to consume my burger, which is fine because I like burgers more than the company of others.

Layering.
“Oooooh”, I hear you say. “Is layering really important?” to which I reply yes, yes it is. I’m all about the patty on the bottom cos that’s where my tongue sits in my mouth and I want those taste buds to get a hit on the meaty flavour first. Pickles, onion, sauce and especially lettuce go up top. Lettuce on the bottom is like having hands for feet.

This next point is not negotiable.

A good burger must be able to be eaten with your hands (if you do not have hands, you are exempt from judgement here. Also, if you had a small, Echidna-esque mouth I could understand you would need to cut it up for consumption).
Charlie Nagreen, Frank and Charles Menches, Oscar Bilby, Louis Lassen and other contenders for the credit of the invention of the humble hamburger would be turning in their graves at the sight of many of the creations, nay, monstrosities that we see today. It actually hurts my eyes when I see people reaching for a knife and fork to eat a burger.

I could wax lyrical or let’s face it, rant, about my ideas on burger technology and the crimes perpetrated against it until my fingers cramp, but I feel like I’d best let you get back to your day and I shall get back to filling out the paperwork to get this church recognised as a legitimate cult, err, religion.

But I’m always learning – I know for a fact I will be a student of food for actual ever – please, let me know if you do it better.

That’s me done.