All-of-the-things ‘slaw


All-of-the-things ‘slaw

Yup. Coleslaw not purely consisting of the traditional cabbage, carrot and possibly onion, but instead this coleslaw has pretty much all of the things in it. Quite contradictory to my views of the past I might add – those who know me or who think they know me through these interweb pages will attest to the claim that I am indeed quite a coleslaw purist.

But you know what? I’ve seen a few funky arsed ‘slaws recently, coleslaws with cute monikers along the lines of “rainbow ‘slaw” or something similar, and I thought maybe it’s time to try something a little different. Move past the missionary position for a night and give the ol’ reverse cowgirl a try. Yep I did that.

And you know what? I do believe in this case that the old dog has been taught a new trick.

I will not be fetching a ball or your fucking slippers anytime soon, but I think there is definitely room in my life for the all-of-the-things ‘slaw.

True, there was a time when I could not abide the thought of bastardised ‘slaw, opting only for the purest of pure. But now I embrace it, possibly even love it. Maybe you should give it a go too. Your cowgirl will thank you for it.


ALL-OF-THE-THINGS ‘SLAW

(serves 8 as a side)

¼ medium green cabbage, shredded
¼ small red cabbage, shredded
3 carrots, grated
1 stalk celery, sliced
½ red capsicum (bell pepper), diced
½ green capsicum (bell pepper), diced
1 head sweet corn (or ½ cup frozen corn kernels), kernels removed and pan fried briefly
3-4 spring onions (scallions), sliced
1 cup coleslaw dressing
Salt and pepper

Get a reals big mixing bowl – something that is going to fit all of these ingredients and then some.
First mix all of the salad ingredients except dressing so you can get a nice even mix.
Add dressing and combine until thoroughly mixed.
Check seasoning. Yeah, salads need seasoning too. Some of the greatest food crimes in history have been perpetrated via lack of seasoning to a salad or side dish.
Get it on the table where it would love to play second fiddle to anything from the BBQ, fried chicken, fishcakes, loaded sweet potato, etc.

Fish Wing Friday this Easter #forthesea

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Southern fried fish wings that I cooked last week for sustainable seafood day and I’m posting now so you can do something a little different for your fish thing this Easter.

That almost makes me look a little organized, eh… but I think those of us in the know certainly know the actuality is very different from the appearance…

Anyhow, you might be excused for thinking that this is a recipe that is made using flying fish and more specifically, their wings. You might also be excused for asking how the on switch works so I am certainly not going to judge…

No, this is not a recipe featuring the flighted mythical bird-fish, but instead the tasty tasty, oft forgotten or used for crab bait, pectoral wings of our oceanic dwelling friends, the fishes. Or more specifically in this case, the more sustainable line caught or farmed Australian barramundi.

Fish wings, much like fish heads or smaller fish like white bait or sardines, are commonly used for bait or just tossed away like yesterday’s rubbish… or a young hipsters razor… or a Justin Beiber CD… But fish wings are not to be tossed away, no, no, no. Tossed through seasoned flour or breadcrumbs and then deep-fried possibly, but definitely not tossed away. These tasty little morsels will have you coming back time and time again for what will probably be that one fish meal in your life that gives you the best bang for your buck. Coming in at around the $3 a serve this is like a 3 buck prostitute who is both clean and at the top of her game! Tasty and delish! There is nothing about this dish that isn’t to be loved; the price, the taste, the sustainability… I love it more than my arm. Not my right arm of course, but it defo means more to me than my lefty for now. I could do without lefty if it came down to the choice between him and the fish wings. Sorry lefty, I really am.

Coated in potato flour and then seasoned with my southern spice mix, these things came up even better than expected. Some home made hot sauce and ranch dressing to complete the package and I was ready to pat myself on the back… and then maybe get comfy… whisper a few sweet nothings into my own ear… and…

Whoa. I just get caught up in the moment way to easily.

Recipe time.

I will sort you out with a recipe for my kale and apple 'slaw soon enough
I will sort you out with a recipe for my kale and apple ‘slaw soon enough
Just really tasty little morsels
Just really tasty little morsels

SOUTHERN FRIED BARRAMUNDI WINGS with HOT SAUCE & RANCH DRESSING (serves 4)

1.5-2kg fish wings (3-4 per serve), scaled
2 eggs, whisked
1 cup of Big Red Rub or your favourite southern/creole/Cajun seasoning
2 cups potato flour (starch) and maybe a little extra
Oil for deep frying
A deep fryer, large pot or cauldron suitable for deep frying
Salt
Hot sauce, ranch dressing, lemon and coleslaw to serve

• Combine fish wings and red seasoning in a large bowl and toss to coat
• Add eggs and mix to coat
• Add potato flour and toss to coat. Rubber gloves can be handy here if you don’t like getting all icky and sticky, and only if you don’t need them for your game of “doctors and nurses” tonight. You want the wings to be quite dry coated, not a wet batter, so if you need to add a little extra potato flour you do that right now
• While this whole coaty coaty thing is going down you need to have some oil heating in the thing that you use to heat your oil. 180C is a pretty good temp for this little project
• Once the oil is up to temp give the wings a little tap to get rid of any extra flour and drop them gently into the oil. 4 minutes is pretty much bang on for a medium sized fish wing
• Once cooked remove from oil, drain in a basket or on absorbent paper, season with salt and serve drizzled with hot sauce and ranch dressing, and with a nice coleslaw on the side
• Effing A, that’s winning all over the place right there; god for Easter, good for your belly, good for your wallet and good for our oceans

For more information on sustainable seafood try the MSC website.

Friendly Fire; Sushi

pork sushi
“ANOTHER SHARK ATTACK AT BYRON BAY” has been the headline news a little too often in the last few months.

Are there even more sharks or are we just looking a little harder for them now?

Who knows. Either way, the sharks have been hungry this year.

I think it’s possibly because we have been taking a lot of the food from their under water cafeteria. I could be wrong, I have certainly been wrong before, but it’s a theory I have. So, due to the seemingly insatiable appetite of sharks in the Byron Bay area I have opted out of using seafood for my “Friendly Fire Sushi Challenge” on this occasion and have instead headed to the hills and found myself some pork.

Pork is not generally the primary food source for sharks or for any other creature that has been remotely sensationalized and/or thrusted (yeah I just said thrusted) into peoples lives as being a ruthless killer so I feel that it is something that I may use today with out consequence nor burden to add to the weight of my already obese conscience.

I’m sure Dana got to use some kind of delicious seafood that she wasn’t stealing from the mouths of the wee sharky bairn and therefore forcing poppa shark to work a whole heap harder for his money and actually start walking onto the beach on his fins to steal a lone, unaware, overweight, sun glazed tourist and then drag said tourist back into the ocean to feed his family, thus resulting in the end of beach going as we know it today through fear of land walking sharks… The picture I created in my own head right there was probably far more amusing to me than it actually came across…

Brain images 1 – conveying funniness to wider community 0.

So to summarize I can and will tell you that statistically you have more chance of getting killed by falling out of bed or from eating a hotdog than you do from a shark attack, and there is a 100% chance that I shall be making a porky nori rolls for the sushi challenge today.

Epic food battles of history. Who wins? You decide…

See Dana’s (more informative and possibly just darn right better) creation right here.

Get it all together
Get it all together

Mmmm, pulled pork. This was really good and I will probably sort out a recipe for it really soon
Mmmm, pulled pork. This was really good and I will probably sort out a recipe for it really soon
Get a little rice down
Get a little rice down
Stack it up... Not too up though
Stack it up… Not too up though
And then roll it up. It's as easy as that... I'm too OG to even use a rolling mat, but I reckon Dana will be nice enough to tell you about that
And then roll it up. It’s as easy as that… I’m too OG to even use a rolling mat, but I reckon Dana will be nice enough to tell you about that
The pork belly and hoisin number
The pork belly and hoisin number

Chop them up so they fit in your mouth and then fit them into your mouth with a little extra QP and possibly some soy and wasabi if you're keen
Chop them up so they fit in your mouth and then fit them into your mouth with a little extra QP and possibly some soy and wasabi if you’re keen

PORKY SUSHI #1

Cooked brown rice (it’s a Northern Rivers thing)
200g cooked (steamed or roasted) pork belly
QP Japanese mayonnaise
Hoisin sauce
Bean sprouts
Coriander (cilantro)
Shallots
Nori sheets

PORKY SUSHI #2

Cooked brown rice
200g barbecue pulled pork
QP Japanese mayonnaise
Pickles
Slaw
Shallots
Nori sheets

Now you just sorta, um, well, maybe just look at the pictures and roll them up kinda like that. The thing is, when you are rolling nori rolls you just gotta think “teenage years” and remember your mad spliff rolling skills and get them back into play. Certainly not a very good lesson on sushi rolling technique but I think we can all agree it is some sound advice and gripping social commentary from you friends here at foodisthebestshitever.

Anyhow, the sushi; they were both damn tasty but the pulled pork number defo made my face smile the most!

That’s it.
pork sushi

Smoky Grilled Pork Ribs with South Carolina Mustard BBQ Sauce

bbq pork ribs
Sometimes, as a gentleman, you just need to eat yourself a big hunk of meat and gnaw that shit straight from the bone… Often, I even go that little bit further and cook it first just to really treat myself. And, if I want to truly venture out into the realm that is “the next level”, that aforementioned meat is going to be kissed and licked and touched by the golden hand of smoky smoky goodness… it’s starting to sound more like a late night visit from your Uncle Jimmy right now.

No Uncle Jimmy, I’m trying to sleep… Time to get back on track plenty fast methinks.

Smoking (not like out the back of the sports shed at lunch time styles or like that old guy with a pocket full of fivers out the back of the public toilets at Mardi Gras), or even grilling meat on your BBQ, weber or something else that involves coals and a few wood chips or twigs is something that you really need to feel. It’s Mr Miagi shit for sure. It is something that would take me more than a page of a blog to explain to you. So rest assured, I will not be holding your hand as we stroll casually through the intricacies of the techniques and methods needed to master the grilling of pork ribs… or anything else for that matter. It’s a watchy-learny type thing I think…

After three hours over the glowing coals,and a basting with a little of the mustard sauce, these ribs come out looking as tan as a cougar after her weekly trip to the solarium. Unlike a cougar though, these ribs are tender and delicious, and you would be more than happy to show them to your friends and let them have a little chew too. Also dissimilar to my comparison to a cougar, these ribs leave a damn fine taste in your mouth and have you wanting for more.

#porkribsareheapsbetterthansexwithacougar

Borrow that hash tag if you want, it is a cracker.

The taste of smoky goodness mixed with the elation of chewing a damn fine piece of meat from the bone… Some of my favourite sides… A kick-ass mustard sauce that I would happily smear all over my own body and attempt to lick it off… I am a happy happy man, albeit one who is covered in mustard sauce and looking comparable to a professional contortionist.

Get some one to show you how to cook ribs over the coals. Thank them for that and show them out. Serve the ribs with this mustard sauce, grilled corn with coriander, chilli and heaps of butter and ‘slaw.

This is what BBQ ribs looked like back in the olden days
This is what BBQ ribs looked like back in the olden days

…and how they look now. Pretty similar I guess
…and how they look now. Pretty similar I guess
Get them on the table with some sides
Get them on the table with some sides
You know where this is going
You know where this is going
Oh dear good lord
Oh dear good lord

SOUTH CAROLINA MUSTARD BBQ SAUCE (recipe from Southern.Food.com)

¾ cup yellow mustard
¾ cup cider vinegar
1 tablespoon light brown sugar
1 ½ tablespoons unsalted butter
2 teaspoons salt
2 tablespoons Worcestershire sauce
1 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
2 teaspoons louisiana hot sauce (if you want some spice)

• Combine all ingredients in small saucepan. Whisk to combine and simmer for 20-30 minutes, whisking occasionally
• Allow to cool before using
• Store remainder in a sealed container in the fridge for bloody ages. At least a few months

Chicken nugget type things… made by you… at home

home made chicken nuggets
Here you go. Another easy-assed recipe for the kids to get in and be a part of, and eat the shit out of to boot. Sure it’s fine if you want to feed your kids those stinky shit chicken nuggets from the freezer section at the local supermarket (yeah, the place where the idea of good food goes to die a slow, painful death, with wire in it’s eyes and everything), but just as long as you’re not thinking that you are actually feeding your kids a nice bit of chicken. You need to accept the fact that you are feeding your kids crap – ground up chicken face crap. But I guess it’s still chicken, so that’s why they get to call them chicken nuggets, eh.

It is true I’m not here to tell you how to raise your kids. I’m more the guy that you turn to when you’re in need of a little chuckle, whether that be because you think I’m funny or you’re just laughing at the grasp I just barely have on the English language, either way that’s a win for me.

So if I am not making you laugh today, not making your very funny bone tingle with elation, then may I suggest The Anchorman. No, not that guy in the trench coat who is always at the wharf offering passers by a peek at his anchor tattoo, I would suggest watching the movie “The Anchorman”. That is some really funny shit. No matter how many times I’ve seen that film I still laugh myself stupid (yeah I know, that could be more of a small giggle for the desired result) at Ron Burgundy trying to talk his way out of his massive erection with new reporter, Veronica Corningstone… and everything Brick Tamland says. Everything he says. I feel a little bad because it is mentioned he is slightly less abled in his mental capacity, but it’s Ok because I know that movies are not real – movies, unicorns and good politicians – so I still LOL all over the place. I actually cannot watch this film while eating because I almost spit up my lunch.

Go watch it. Watch it now.

Make heaps of mess crumbing the chicken
Make heaps of mess crumbing the chicken

All crumbed up and looking for a pan
All crumbed up and looking for a pan
Found the pan
Found the pan
And now it's time to find my belly
And now it’s time to find my belly

HOME MADE CHICKEN NUGGETY THINGS with OVEN CHIPS and COLESLAW (for 4)

600g free range chicken breast or thigh, cut into little nugget pieces
Breadcrumbs (crumb a GF loaf if you can’t do the wheat), flour and egg mix to crumb
Seasoning
4-5 large potatoes, scrubbed and cut into chips
Coleslaw and dipping sauces to serve

• This is so simple writing this recipe down hurts me
• To crumb the chicken first coat it in flour, then eggwash and then breadcrumbs. Put it through the egg and crumbs again if you want them super crusty. Put them aside while you get the rest of dinner ready
• Cook the chips or, if you can’t do that by yourself my recipe is here
• Make coleslaw. Once again, my recipe is here
• Shallow fry the nuggets in oil over a medium heat until cooked and golden brown
• Serve it all up with some tomato sauce (ketchup) for the kids and yoghurt with pomegranate molasses for the bigger kids
• Nom nom nom

I found they were complimented perfectly by a fistful of tasty beers, while the boys preferred to wash their nuggets and chips down with more nuggets and chips.

Jennee’s Sunday Spread… BBQ Brisket, Coleslaw and other delicious things

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Jennee’s Sunday Spread

Unfortunate circumstances arose (or I guess fortunate really as these circumstances were a new job that would see me able to pay the bills and not yet need to pull out my sexiest red mini skirt and frilly bra to begin my new career in the darkened back alleys of “the meat packing district”) that would see me unable to attend the inaugural Bangalow BBQ and Bluegrass Festival this past weekend. Outwardly damning these circumstances that I had fallen victim to, I felt the calming hand of Jennee on my shoulder. “I will cook you a BBQ all of your very own”, she said. A warm fuzzy feeling enveloped all of my senses as a tear slowly welled in my left eye (surgeons had removed the tear ducts from my right eye after an almost tragic shaving incident in my early teens). “This is why I married that girl”, I said to myself. “She certainly is a top bitch,” self agreed.

That evening, cook a feast is what Jennee did.

The spread consisted of smoked wagyu beef sausages and beef brisket that had been basted with bourbon BBQ sauce, potatoes wrapped in alfoil and roasted in the coals and then served with a heap of garlic butter, chopped salad with blue cheese dressing, home made bread rolls, pickles and condiments and my all time favourite BBQ (or anytime) side dish; the coleslaw.

I could go on quite a rant about coleslaw and how much it means to me if I thought you might be interested. Or maybe I’ll just do it anyway. Self indulgence at it’s very finest right here.

It seems to me, via wiki-pedia and other inter web sites of factual repute, that the Dutch first penned a recipe for modern day coleslaw in the late 1700s (coleslaw derived from the Dutch koolsla; kool – cabbage and sla – salad). There is also reference to the Germans and Polish for their contribution (although I am still not entirely sure what that is), which actually came as a bit of a surprise to me as I was sure it would’ve been an All American barbecue recipe for sure, created by the Yankies just like the nuclear bomb or Coca-Cola except tastier and quite frankly a good thing, as apposed to a terrible weapon of mass destruction. Upon further thought though, I decided it makes lots of sense that this was not a product of the Coca-Cola company and possibly a product of a German-Polish coalition, as that is quite literally how I made my way into existence and hence would explain the love I have for this shredded cabbage salad. I don’t even think love is a strapping enough word. Love is the kind of word one would use when talking about their marital partner or possibly their children, their favourite animal porn web site or even their favourite flavoured ice cream cone at the local Baskin Robins. I think the word that I need to be using is addicted. I am addicted to the consumption of coleslaw with every part of my being. I don’t care what effing season it is, how cold it is or which Queen-of-effing-England is coming for dinner, there is always a place at my dinner table for coleslaw… there may not be enough space for you, but coleslaw can wander in anytime. There is a little plaque with “coleslaw” engraved on it, much like what you would see at the parking space of a company president and yes, it is a tow-away zone. There’s no way the potato salad or tabouleh is going to get to sit there, just on the off chance the coleslaw might show up!

Oh smoky brisket, how I love thee
Oh smoky brisket, how I love thee

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Don't worry 'slaw. I love you too
Don’t worry ‘slaw. I love you too
Smoked wagyu sausages
Smoked wagyu sausages
Fresh from the oven
Fresh from the oven
Brisket and coleslaw roll with garlic butter potatoes from the coals
Brisket and coleslaw roll with garlic butter potatoes from the coals

MY HONKY DORY COLESLAW RECIPE

½ a medium cabbage, finely shredded
1 carrot, grated
Enough good quality mayonnaise to coat ‘slaw to your liking
A splash of apple cider vinegar
Seasoning
• Combine all ingredients in a large bowl and mix well. Check and adjust seasoning if necessary

BOURBON BBQ SAUCE (inspired by Al Brown)

¼ cup oil
2 brown onions, diced
5 cloves garlic, chopped
1 tablespoons salt
1 teaspoon ground pepper
A pinch chilli flakes
2 tablespoons cumin seed, roasted and ground
1 tablespoon smoked paprika
½ cup bourbon
½ cup brown sugar
1x 400g tin crushed tomatoes
2 tablespoons tomato paste
1 cup apple juice
¼ cup Worcestershire sauce
1 teaspoon Tabasco sauce
• Sauté onion and spices in the oil until soft
• Add all other ingredients and cook out over low heat for 45 minutes or so, until thick, stirring regularly to avoid burning and fusing to the base of the pot
• Blitz and check seasoning
• Baste that over your next piece of barbecued meat or your girlfriend’s thighs for some cracking results!!
• Whatever you have left over will last for a couple of months in the fridge

So that’s me done. Jennee’s BBQ was a hit. The smoky BBQ brisket was off the hook, the coleslaw made me weak at the knees, the potatoes, the blue cheese dressing, the rolls… damn, this was a fucking impressive feed.