Gimme Some Sugar, Baby… Or Not

paleo dessert
I’ll keep this short and sweet. Heheh.

We live in a world that is slowly turning it’s collective nose to the use of refined sugars. One big, fat nose the size of South America being scrunched up so it looks like it belongs to a bulldog, and the noise of an almighty “hmph” from just below it’s Antarctica moustache. Very Freddy Mercury-esque. Well-played sugar haters. Get a famous moustached musician onto your cause.

It is true that soon such sugar shall only be available from shady looking characters dealing their wares from the boot of their car in an undisclosed location near you soon. Pastry chefs across the world shall be soon made redundant, pan handling their wares in a back alley, right next to the blue dumpster… They shall be given a wide birth, now the outcasts of society, like the red headed step child, a leper or even Billy Ray Cyrus.

Sugar should be treated akin to, say, cocaine, masturbation or showering with your team mates after a tough game of football; it’s all good and well and a heap of fun for a period of time, but you don’t want… no wait, you can’t physically do it all the time. People flip out a little, genitals become red and inflamed… and then there’s the masturbation and cocaine.

My Jennee is one amongst many it would seem, who would be more than happy for that legislation to pass. I am of the opinion that most things are OK if consumed in moderation… sugar included… and let’s chuck cocaine on that list too, but, as it was Jennee’s birfday recently and not mine I did not insist that she eat 4kg of refined sugar that was just barely being held together with a couple of eggs, a stick of butter and a handful of gluten (more work of the devil that I will be more than happy to discuss at a later date). Instead, I was more than happy for my cousin Amelia to make Jennee a lovely raw, vegan, refined sugar and lactose free, PETA approved, energy efficient, chocolate, raspberry and coconut slice.

It was pretty damn tasty, too. Someone with smart brains put some serious thought into this one! The original recipe was the brainchild of @lissywilson. Kudos to Lissy!

Jennee loving the bonfire effect on her birthday slice
Jennee loving the bonfire effect on her birthday slice

Have a piece or two the next day while you type away on your computer
Have a piece or two the next day while you type away on your computer
Just damn good. I don't care what fucking diet you're on
Just damn good. I don’t care what fucking diet you’re on

PRETTY DAMN HEALTHY CHOCOLATE-RASPBERRY-COCONUT SLICE

RASPBERRY CHIA JAM (makes approx. 2 cups. Half for now and half for toast later)

3 cups frozen raspberries
7 dates
1 tablespoon lemon juice
½ cup hot water
2 tablespoons chia seeds
2 tablespoons coconut sugar
½ cup coconut oil
A few cacao nibs and shredded coconut to garnish

• Blitz all ingredients, except coconut oil, in a food processer until pureed
• Reserve 1 cup of jam for later use
• Add coconut oil to remaining jam and blitz until combined. This will help jam to set nice and firm on your hippy slice
• Set aside until needed

CHOCOLATE-COCONUT ROUGH MIXTURE

1.25 cups coconut oil
1.25 cups coconut sugar
1.25 cups cashew butter (if you don’t know what this is ask any passing hippy or yoga instructor)
¾ cup raw cacao
1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract
¼ cup water

• Combine all ingredients in a cake mixer and beat until thoroughly combined and free of lumps
• Set aside until needed

PRETEND BISCUIT BASE

12 dates
1 cup raw almonds
1/3 cup tahini
½ cup desiccated coconut

• Blitz all ingredients in a food processer until well combined and a dough-like product has formed
• Cover the base of two – loaf tins or one larger baking tin with baking paper and evenly press a layer of pretend biscuit base into each
• Place tins in fridge for 30 minutes to set

NOW TO GET THE WHOLE THING TOGETHER

• Just divide the chocolate-coconut mix over the bases and smooth over a little with a spatula
• Divide the raspberry layer over the choc mix, garnish with a sprinkle of cacao nibs and shredded coconut, if using, and get that shit in the fridge to set. A couple of hours should do the job

Also, our friend Inga the usually-so-damn-health-conscious doctor made a cake for Jennee that did contain the white death (real sugar), which was a little out of sorts for her. I wasn’t concerned about that though, as… well… these types of things just don’t generally concern me. The cake was gluten free though, so she got a couple of points for that. I did taste fucking delicious too. I think I ate a third of that cake, and because of that I thought I’d best include this recipe too.

The candle was upside down but I really didn't give a damn as I filled my face hole
The candle was upside down but I really didn’t give a damn as I filled my face hole

I added some cream because I could
I added some cream because I could
Last pic
Last pic

NOT SO HEALTHY BUT STILL NOT HEAPS BAD FOR YOU CHOCOLATE-RASPBERRY CAKE

2 blocks of dark choc
125g unsalted butter
1.25 cups almond meal
5 eggs
1 cup brown sugar
1 tablespoon milk
1 cup of raspberries
Cream or ice cream to serve

• Melt chocolate and butter over a bain marie or in the microwave (keep an eye on it), stirring to combine
• In a large bowl, mix together all ingredients except raspberries. Once combined, fold raspberries through mix
• Pour into a cake tin lined with baking paper, cover with foil and bake at 180C for 1.25 hours. Uncover and bake for another 20-30 minutes or until a skewer comes out almost dry… not quite though… still a little moist
• Serve it with cream or ice cream
• Eat it and love it (that is a direct quote from an actual doctor, so I suggest you do it. Do it now)

Almost healthy rocky road type thing

Alright then… let's get into it
Alright then… let’s get into it

Do you like a bit of chocolate on the odd occasion?

I like a bit of chocolate on the odd occasion. I don’t like to admit it though. I actually have some kind of phobia in my sub-conscious that prevents me from admitting I like chocolate (or anything sweet, really), hence the lack of sweet stuff, except possibly my words, on this blog. I like to pretend I don’t have any sort of sweet tooth and have done so for ages… ever since I had a tooth pulled out because it was rotting away due to my excessive consumption of chocolate. Oh yes, I was once a fiend for sweet chocolaty goodness. Point being; every now and then I feel the urges of someone who needs a chocolate fix… and they need it now.

This is what I have started doing when I feel those ungodly desires. Firstly, I kneel down and pray for my chocolate endorsing soul. The second thing I do is push my unholy soul deep into my sub-conscious and make me some almost healthy rocky road.

All you need is some dark chocolate in the cupboard (for making cakes and shit, eh) and some healthy things like nuts and seeds and dried fruit, just so you feel a little better about the whole thing… and having some kind of trail mix rocky road kicks ass over a piece of plain chocolate for me any day. It’s kind of like sex without a condom; the two really can’t be compared!

Get some nuts
Get some nuts
Coat your nuts in chocolate and… oh dear… I need to get out of here
Coat your nuts in chocolate and… oh dear… I need to get out of here

ALMOST HEALTHY ROCKY ROAD TYPE THING
1 cup of mixed nuts (I go with brazil nuts and sunflower seed to trick my mind into thinking I am a good boy), chopped
½ cup mixed dried fruit (I had goji berries and sultanas), once again to make your brain think you are being healthy
1 cup good dark chocolate
That’s all
• Combine nuts and fruit in a bowl
• Melt chocolate
• Combine the lot and mix until combined
• Spread onto a tray/plate lined with baking paper
• Allow to set in the fridge for 15-20 minutes
• Chop and try a piece… and then have another piece… and then another

#chocolatefixsortedkid

CHICKEN MOLE POBLANO… is it good? It’s Mexcellent!

Today we have Mexican because it’s El Gringo Mexicano Wednesday (yes, you may have noticed I prefixed Gringo Mexicano Wednesday with “El”. I think it gives it a more authentic feel…) at our place and when it’s El Gringo Mexicano Wednesday you eat Mexican food, something similar to Mexican food, something you can convince people is Mexican food or eff it, liquid din-dins it and get a bottle of tequila.

We will delve into the world of chocolate, and it’s not any kind of pervy goo to cover your girlfriend with and lick her slowly from head to t… I mean to say, and it’s a main meal. Mental

“Chocolate in a savoury dish” I hear you say. “Really? Is it good?”

Is it good? It’s mexellent. It’s mextrordinary. It’s mextremely delicious. It’s, it’s… Gone off course APU (this is the acronym for as per usual. I have decided to act like a trendy hipster youth and create my own shit). Many ancient cultures, wise old chefs and smelly little hobbits have been doing it for years. Why? Simply because they are smarter then you. Except for the hobbits. Fuck knows what’s up with them.

 

And now the same text translated into Spanish…
Hoy tenemos al mejicano porque es el Gringo El-Mexicano el miércoles (sí, usted puede haber notado que prefijé al Gringo Mexicano el miércoles ‘con El-‘. Pienso que esto le da una sensación más auténtica …) en nuestro lugar y cuando es el Gringo El-Mexicano el miércoles usted come el alimento mejicano, algo similar al alimento mejicano, algo que usted puede convencer a la gente es el alimento mejicano o eff ello, alboroto de alboroto líquido ello y conseguir una botella de la tequila.

Cavaremos en el mundo de chocolate, y esto no es ninguna clase de la sustancia viscosa pervy para cubrir a su novia de y lamerla despacio de la cabeza a t … pienso decir, y esto es una comida principal. Mental

“Chocolate en un plato sabroso” oigo que usted dice. ¿“Realmente? ¿Está bien?”

¿Está bien? Esto es mexellent. Esto es mextrordinary. Es mextremely delicioso. Es, es… APU de curso marchadose (este es la sigla para según habitual. He decidido actuar como una juventud de aficionado al jazz moderna y crear mi propia mierda). Muchas culturas antiguas, los viejos jefes de cocina sabios y pequeño hobbits maloliente han estado haciéndolo durante años. ¿Por qué? Simplemente porque ellos son más elegantes entonces usted. Excepto el hobbits. Joda sabe lo que aumenta con ellos.

 

And now the Spanish text translated back into English…
Today we have the Mexican one because the Yankee is The Mexican on Wednesday (yes, you can have noticed that I prearranged the Mexican Yankee on Wednesday ‘ with – ‘. I think that this gives him a more authentic sensation …) in our place and when the Yankee is The Mexican on Wednesday you eat the Mexican food, slightly similar to the Mexican food, something that you can convince the people is the Mexican food or eff it, I make a row of liquid clamor it and to obtain a bottle of the tequila.

We will dig in the world of chocolate, and this is not any class of the viscous substance pervy to cover his fiancée of and to lick her slowly from the head to t … I think to say, and this is a principal meal. Mental

“ Chocolate in a tasty dish ” I hear that you say. “ really? Is it well? ”

Is it well? This is mexellent. This is mextrordinary. It is mextremely deliciously. It is, it is… APU of course gone (this is the acronym for as habitually. I have decided to act as a youth fan’s of the jazz modern and to create my own shit). Many ancient cultures, the old wise chefs and small smelly hobbits have been doing it for years. Why? Simply because they are more elegant of that time you. Except the hobbits. Fuck it is known what it increases with them.

serve it in a little clay bowl or flower pot for authenticity

MOLE POBLANO with chicken
I have actually seriously considered omitting (yeah. Word of legends, I know) the chicken and tweeking this into a dessert. Once again, mental.

2kg boneless chicken thigh, cut in half
2 cloves
1 cinnamon quill
40g mexican chocolate (if you can’t get hold of it use dark chocolate or dutch cocoa)
1 400g tin diced tomatoes

the almond paste
1 corn tortilla, grilled or roasted with a little oil until brown
40g raisins or sultanas
50g almonds, roasted
2 Tbls pepitas, roasted
2 Tbls sesame seeds, roasted
1 Tbls coriander seed, roasted and ground
2 cloves garlic
2 dried long red chillis, soaked in hot water for 20 minutes (it should have ancho and pastilla chillis but you may have to use the internet for these… unless you have a Mexican grocer on the corner or, of course live in Mexico)
1/4 cup water
• blitz ingredients for almond paste until it nice and pasty like your chefs’ tan.
• fry paste off in a little oil until you are starting to detect delicious aromas with your nose. Yep. I’m afraid your nose is in charge of this one.
• Add all other ingredients except chicken thigh and chuck some salt and pepper in there too.
• Simmer for 15-20 minutes.
• Add chicken and simmer for another half hour or so, until the chicken is cooked.
• Taste, adjust seasoning, serve, eat.

Serve with tomatillo salsa or jalepeno relish, pepitas, sour cream, lime, grilled corn, rice, and whatever the heck else you want. You are the one eating it after all..

Eat it and then go and have a siesta on the hammock next to your old clay shed in the backyard. You know, the one next to your herd of three goats. Yeah you know…