Gimme Some Sugar, Baby… Or Not

paleo dessert
I’ll keep this short and sweet. Heheh.

We live in a world that is slowly turning it’s collective nose to the use of refined sugars. One big, fat nose the size of South America being scrunched up so it looks like it belongs to a bulldog, and the noise of an almighty “hmph” from just below it’s Antarctica moustache. Very Freddy Mercury-esque. Well-played sugar haters. Get a famous moustached musician onto your cause.

It is true that soon such sugar shall only be available from shady looking characters dealing their wares from the boot of their car in an undisclosed location near you soon. Pastry chefs across the world shall be soon made redundant, pan handling their wares in a back alley, right next to the blue dumpster… They shall be given a wide birth, now the outcasts of society, like the red headed step child, a leper or even Billy Ray Cyrus.

Sugar should be treated akin to, say, cocaine, masturbation or showering with your team mates after a tough game of football; it’s all good and well and a heap of fun for a period of time, but you don’t want… no wait, you can’t physically do it all the time. People flip out a little, genitals become red and inflamed… and then there’s the masturbation and cocaine.

My Jennee is one amongst many it would seem, who would be more than happy for that legislation to pass. I am of the opinion that most things are OK if consumed in moderation… sugar included… and let’s chuck cocaine on that list too, but, as it was Jennee’s birfday recently and not mine I did not insist that she eat 4kg of refined sugar that was just barely being held together with a couple of eggs, a stick of butter and a handful of gluten (more work of the devil that I will be more than happy to discuss at a later date). Instead, I was more than happy for my cousin Amelia to make Jennee a lovely raw, vegan, refined sugar and lactose free, PETA approved, energy efficient, chocolate, raspberry and coconut slice.

It was pretty damn tasty, too. Someone with smart brains put some serious thought into this one! The original recipe was the brainchild of @lissywilson. Kudos to Lissy!

Jennee loving the bonfire effect on her birthday slice
Jennee loving the bonfire effect on her birthday slice

Have a piece or two the next day while you type away on your computer
Have a piece or two the next day while you type away on your computer
Just damn good. I don't care what fucking diet you're on
Just damn good. I don’t care what fucking diet you’re on

PRETTY DAMN HEALTHY CHOCOLATE-RASPBERRY-COCONUT SLICE

RASPBERRY CHIA JAM (makes approx. 2 cups. Half for now and half for toast later)

3 cups frozen raspberries
7 dates
1 tablespoon lemon juice
½ cup hot water
2 tablespoons chia seeds
2 tablespoons coconut sugar
½ cup coconut oil
A few cacao nibs and shredded coconut to garnish

• Blitz all ingredients, except coconut oil, in a food processer until pureed
• Reserve 1 cup of jam for later use
• Add coconut oil to remaining jam and blitz until combined. This will help jam to set nice and firm on your hippy slice
• Set aside until needed

CHOCOLATE-COCONUT ROUGH MIXTURE

1.25 cups coconut oil
1.25 cups coconut sugar
1.25 cups cashew butter (if you don’t know what this is ask any passing hippy or yoga instructor)
¾ cup raw cacao
1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract
¼ cup water

• Combine all ingredients in a cake mixer and beat until thoroughly combined and free of lumps
• Set aside until needed

PRETEND BISCUIT BASE

12 dates
1 cup raw almonds
1/3 cup tahini
½ cup desiccated coconut

• Blitz all ingredients in a food processer until well combined and a dough-like product has formed
• Cover the base of two – loaf tins or one larger baking tin with baking paper and evenly press a layer of pretend biscuit base into each
• Place tins in fridge for 30 minutes to set

NOW TO GET THE WHOLE THING TOGETHER

• Just divide the chocolate-coconut mix over the bases and smooth over a little with a spatula
• Divide the raspberry layer over the choc mix, garnish with a sprinkle of cacao nibs and shredded coconut, if using, and get that shit in the fridge to set. A couple of hours should do the job

Also, our friend Inga the usually-so-damn-health-conscious doctor made a cake for Jennee that did contain the white death (real sugar), which was a little out of sorts for her. I wasn’t concerned about that though, as… well… these types of things just don’t generally concern me. The cake was gluten free though, so she got a couple of points for that. I did taste fucking delicious too. I think I ate a third of that cake, and because of that I thought I’d best include this recipe too.

The candle was upside down but I really didn't give a damn as I filled my face hole
The candle was upside down but I really didn’t give a damn as I filled my face hole

I added some cream because I could
I added some cream because I could
Last pic
Last pic

NOT SO HEALTHY BUT STILL NOT HEAPS BAD FOR YOU CHOCOLATE-RASPBERRY CAKE

2 blocks of dark choc
125g unsalted butter
1.25 cups almond meal
5 eggs
1 cup brown sugar
1 tablespoon milk
1 cup of raspberries
Cream or ice cream to serve

• Melt chocolate and butter over a bain marie or in the microwave (keep an eye on it), stirring to combine
• In a large bowl, mix together all ingredients except raspberries. Once combined, fold raspberries through mix
• Pour into a cake tin lined with baking paper, cover with foil and bake at 180C for 1.25 hours. Uncover and bake for another 20-30 minutes or until a skewer comes out almost dry… not quite though… still a little moist
• Serve it with cream or ice cream
• Eat it and love it (that is a direct quote from an actual doctor, so I suggest you do it. Do it now)

bacon is the best shit ever (or five things to do with bacon)… paul’s caul

This is an absolute gold offering from Pauly. If this is the only line of this post that you actually read… don’t. Read it all please. That is about as polite as I’m gonna get. I especially like the inclusion of the bacon sarnie. One of my all time favourites. My pastry chef at the time and good friend Marky used to make them for us every Sunday. You don’t care? Well I don’t care about you either. BTW fresh white bread please… and make it cheap. G

Jen’s challenge 5 dishes from 5 cuisines with bacon…

 

So obviously Jen doesn’t think we have enough going on in our very busy lives, and to be honest I think a normal request would be can you write me a dish with bacon in it… who the fuck conjures up challenges with 5 cuisines in the one challenge, EVIL PEOPLE, that’s who!!!

 

But I do really like Jen, evil she may be but who am I to throw stones I live in a god damn glass house so I reckon it’s not a good idea to start the old stone throwing game. Or even to call a kettle black or to allow rolling stones to gather moss, you get the idea…

 

So I except said challenge and will from this point on write only of dishes containing cured pig a.k.a bacon, and will continue with such writings till a number greater then 4 and less then 6 is achieved a.k.a 5.

 

Since it seems to me to a little rich to ask for so much I may condense the recipes or I may just give ideas and let your mind fill in the blanks, or I may even learn an ancient language long since forgotten by main stream and write the first cookbook written in sand scrip which only contains recipes with bacon in them… but most likely I will not do the latter as quite frankly that almost seems like more hard work then the challenge it self.

 

Let the nonsense seize and the rambling begin…

 

Dish 1 Japanese…  sashimi king fish with a bacon fat & mirin dressing

  • I will give you a little credit and guess you know that sashimi kingfish doesn’t need any cooking just slice paper thin and lay out on a plate
  • The dressing is reasonably simple it is 2 streaky rashers of bacon cooked to release all fat then chop up bacon and add back to fat
  • Then add 2 teaspoons lemon juice, ¼ cup orange juice, 2 tablespoon tamari (wheat soy)
  • Make sure you only add dressing seconds before serving otherwise the citrus will cook the fish

 

Dish 2 English… bacon buttie (unsure of correct spelling)

  • This is one of my favourite thing in the world so I thought fuck it I’ll include it
  • Take two pieces of bread and either toast them or leave fresh, lather with butter and your choice of sauce, I like tomato (Heinz)
  • Fill bread with lots of crispy bacon
  • A little cracked black pepper
  • That’s it nothing to fancy just good old fashioned English cuisine

 

Dish 3 French… coq au vin

  • Another classic and one of my favourites
  • To make this you will need to cut 1 chicken into pieces or get yourself 1 kg of chicken legs, then seal them in a pan and place in an oven proof dish with high sides
  • Then cook off 1 large onion diced, 2 stalks of celery, 1 leek diced, 2 rashers of bacon diced, 3 garlic cloves sliced in a little butter and oil
  • Pour onion mix over chicken
  • Clean fry pan by pouring ½ a bottle of red wine in and then reduce by half
  • Pour over chicken, add 2 bay leaves, 4 sprigs thyme, 1 can of crushed tomatoes, 1/2cup chicken stock, 4 peppercorns, 1 cup of button mushrooms
  • Cover the dish and place in low oven (150c) and cook for 2 hours or until the chicken is tender
  • Serve with crusty bread and a huge smile on your face because this shit is lovely

 

Dish 4 Thai… crispy bacon & fish salad

  • For the salad component get what ever is crisp and fresh like green papaya, daikon, apple, bean sprouts, mint, coriander and chilli and slice it up all nice and fine then mix and place to one side
  • For the crispy fish, cook a piece of fish in the oven until its cooked then cool down, shred with your fingers then deep fry in oil until it is brown and crispy
  • For the crispy bacon slice really fine then fry in a pan until it is nice and crispy
  • For the dressing mix 1 teaspoon of shrimp paste, 1 teaspoon tamarind water, 2 tablespoon of lime juice, 1 tablespoon palm sugar, 1 large red chilli chopped fine… mix all together and check the balance of flavour (you should be able to just tweak it by adding a little of one of the ingredients)
  • Mix everything together adding only as much dressing as needed to just coat all ingredients

 

Dish 5 Italian… cabonara

  • Firstly the coolest thing just happened I wrote the line above and the computer thought the grammar at the beginning of the line was wrong so high lighted in green, then thought the spelling of the last word was wrong so highlighted in red and with the white page it made the Italian flag…amazeballs!!!  I’ve tried to emulate it but not nearly as cool.
  • This is a dish that has been done to death but if done right it is truly exceptional
  • Cook of your pasta, I don’t care how you do this I’ll be honest
  • Fry off onion, bacon and mushrooms in a pan until they look really nice
  • Add a splash of white wine and reduce by half
  • Add a splash of cream (not heaps) and reduce by half
  • Whack your pasta in and toss around
  • Add a handful of parmesan, crack some black pepper in
  • Then take off heat and crack an egg in and mix in really well
  • Serve immediately

As you can see I haven’t chosen really hard dishes for you a really just wrote down the dishes in which I like to enjoy bacon in and I really do love bacon… in fact this blog should really be called BACONISTHEBESTSHITEVER.COM.AU