Sexy corn AKA. corn porn

Just like any other story that may be attached to anything porn-esque, I am going to keep this one short, sharp, concise, moist, yellow, wrinkly, lubed up and to the point.

Firstly, you know about the standard – buttered corn.

The entry-level corn for those amongst us who think they don’t like corn or who have not tried it previously. It is for the corn virgin. It is the missionary position of the corn world. Sure it still tastes really damn good, but sometimes after eating the same corn for the whole of your life thus far, you need to spice it up a bit… try something a little more adventurous… invite other corn into the bedroom… what the fuck am I talking about now…

If the buttered corn is the standard, the mayonnaise-y, herby, chilli, cheesy corn is definitely the glory-hole-manning-swinger-tending-towards-sexual-deviancy. Next level. Give it a bash at least once in your life type shit…

Or not.

On to the corn!

Sexy corn looking all sexy and shit.

SEXY CORN (per person for as many people as you like)

1 cob of sweet corn
1 tablespoon mayonnaise – home made or kewpie would be good choices
1 teaspoon hot sauce
1 heaped tablespoon of finely grated parmesan or pecorino
1 handful of chopped mixed herbs (coriander, parsley, oregano, chives)
A little finely sliced spring onion (scallion)
¼ lime zest, lime reserved to squeeze over corn
Salt and pepper

Grill or boil the corn for 5 minutes or until it is just cooked. This should be pretty easy for you by now.
Squeeze over or roll corn through mayonnaise, douse with hot sauce and lime, and then layer with all of the other goodies.
Eat it.
Change your knickers.

Simple chorizo, chickpea and corn soup


This soup is simple. It is simple like the child of two cousins. Even if you are one of those less fortunate people who seem to display an unbridled level of devotion to the ancient art of fucktardery (when clearly your energy could be more wisely spent on the lesser arts of tapestry, or possibly midget throwing) you can make this soup. Even if you think you don’t have the time for cooking soups, you too can make this soup. I would suggest, that with the impending winter chill, you go out and buy yourself a slow cooker and chuck all the ingredients into that bad boy when you go to work in the morning and treat yourself to the beautiful chorizo-y smelling house and a great dinner when you arrive home… just pick yourself up a loaf of crusty bread and maybe a few homeless people to share it with on the way home…

I’m sure I have mentioned my views on the helping hand a good smoked sausage can lend to just about any meal… and I’ve harped on sufficiently about the powers of a good salsa verde… what more could you really want?

Foodisthebestshitever. Promoting easy-good!

A good start for your salsa verde… straight from the garden, I might add (yes, I am a wanker)
A good start for your salsa verde… straight from the garden, I might add (yes, I am a wanker)
A good start for any soup
A good start for any soup
A good dinner for me
A good dinner for me

Chorizo, chickpea and corn soup (for 4)
3 smoked chorizo sausage, diced
2 brown onion, diced
2 carrots, diced
2 sticks celery, diced
5 cloves garlic, chopped
5-6 ripe tomatoes, diced, or 1 400g tin diced tomato
2 cobs corn, kernels sliced from the cob
3 bay leaves
1 tablespoon paprika (hot or mild or smoked. Whatever takes your fancy)
1 400g tin chickpeas, drained
1.25lt stock or water if that’s all you’ve got… or sand if you don’t have any water
Olive oil
Salsa verde and crusty bread to serve
• Sauté the vegetables and spices in a little olive oil for 3-4 minutes, or until the vegetables are starting to soften and the chorizo is getting a little colour on it and is painting all of it’s lovely fatty red juices upon the canvas that is this soup
• Re-read that last sentence and then ask yourself this question, “Why the hell am I still reading this bollocks?”
• Add remaining ingredients, season and simmer for 30 minutes
• Check seasoning, get those homeless peeps cleaned up and ready for dinner and eat, garnished with a splash of salsa verde and a pile of crusty bread…

Some fried tortilla crisps could also find a happy home in this soup. As would some sour cream… shredded chicken… a little pickled chilli… avocado… feta…

Chicken thighs with cavolo nero and corn pilaf… and a guy named Phil


First you need Phil. Phil is a guy I work with and he likes gardening. Phil grows vegetables and makes pickles and preserves, and makes his own butter, cheese and yoghurt to boot. And yes, Phil is available ladies! Phil also has the tongue of a salty old sea dog… mostly because he is a salty old sea dog so, as you could most likely conclude for yourself, we can hold a conversation just fine. Phil and I sometimes trade vegetables and pickles and stuff… but not bodily fluids. I like Phil but I do not like Phil and quite frankly you offend me just by thinking those thoughts. Not that man on man action offends me. I have many gay friends. It is a fact that you cannot work in the hospitality industry without making friends with a gay man or two. Actually, I find it quite appealing… I really need to move on now…

So this week Phil gave me a pile of cavolo nero and corn. That, coupled with a post from my friend at Cooking in Sens, made my brain decide that my hands would be conjuring up some kind of consumable meal with chicken thighs, cavolo nero and corn. The three C’s, if you will.

And this recipe is about chicken thighs with the bone in and the skin on, by the way folks. Too many people in this world are freaked out by bone and fat. Well I am all about the fatty bone! This is no time to be a pussy about these things. This is the time to embrace the flavour… feel the love… touch yourself… gnaw on the moist thigh… hmmm

This chicken is just begging to be put in the oven
This chicken is just begging to be put in the oven
The chicken loved it's time in the oven and is now asking to be put in my belly
The chicken loved it’s time in the oven and is now asking to be put in my belly
Get in my belly chicken. Get in my belly
Get in my belly chicken. Get in my belly

8 chicken thighs, bone in, skin on
Zest of one lemon (save the zest-less lemon for the roasting pan)
A handful of parsley, chopped
Chopped mint to serve
• Rub the chicken thighs with lemon zest, parsley and seasoning. Rub them like you want them. Rub them like you mean it. Rub them like a dirty old man in a big coat rubs himself in the local play ground…
• Put the chicken into a roasting pan and then go and give yourself a good flogging for being so pervy with it. Quarter the zest-less lemon and chuck that in there too
• Roast chicken at 200C with a bit of oil. 20-30 minutes should do the trick, depending on the size of your thighs. No, I did not just say, “You look fat in those pants!” Damn…
• Plate it up with some pilaf, chopped mint and a wedge of lemon if you have some floating about

PILAF (enough for the 4 peeps for dinner plus enough for rice salad for 4 or so the next day)
This is the first time I have actually measured a pilaf out all properly and correct so it should be bang on the money. I even used a timer and everything!
1 onion, diced
1 bunch cavolo nero, sliced
5 cobs corn, kernels sliced from the cob
1 head of broccoli, cut into florets (I had it in the fridge so it’s going in there)
2 cups basmati or long grain rice
1.25lt chicken stock (it’s pretty easy to make a good stock. You can handle that one by now, yeah?), hot
Oil or butter
• Sauté the onion in oil or butter until it starts to soften
• Add seasoning and the other vegetables and cook out for another couple of minutes
• Add the rice and stock. Cover and simmer over a medium heat for 8 minutes
• Remove from heat and let pilaf sit, lid on, for another few minutes
• Done
• Damn you are getting good at this!

Camp food (cooking with wood) part 2


Wake up to the pretty birdies, get that fire burning again cos we need some coffee and a big breakfast. We always have a big breakfast when we’re camping because there’s much relaxing to do and you certainly wouldn’t want to be trying that out on an empty stomach.

Baked beans, a bit of leftover lamb from last night, baked eggs, mushrooms, toast and coffee. Now I’m ready. Where’s that book I was reading?

A couple of things I think you should definitely take camping.
1. Coffee and stovetop percolator of some description. I don’t care if the rest of your larder is made up of a pack of Woolworth’s sausages, two tins of baked beans, a carton of XXXX gold and a pack of Winnie blues. Get some effing proper coffee damn you. Or tea if you don’t do coffee but don’t try and convince me you don’t do hot drinks.

2. For fucks sake lets get a little more excited than a pack of Woolworth’s sausages and a tin of baked beans (yeah, I know what I said in point 1. but I have to give you something to talk about at your monthly mothers club meetings). If you like boring missionary position type 50s housewife food then maybe this is not for you. You should take time out from the shitass boring daily routine that is your life and watch something like “alive and cooking” or “Huey’s cooking adventures”. Or you could record them both all week and watch them all on Friday night just so you have something going on that is slightly better then melted cheese singles slices on toast and a session on your spirograph. And stop stealing the recipe section from the Women’s Weekly and New Idea magazines at the doctors surgery. Fuck.

3. Cook whatever makes you happy. It’s your camping trip after all. Awww… I’m all soft and snuggley.

A good point about the camp kitchen.
Clean up? What clean up? Everything is wiped onto the ground or chucked into the bush behind you. And then you leave your plates out for the bush critters to clean! Awesome.


A big rump steak for all to share (as long as it’s only 2-3 meekish individuals and my boys and I)
1.2-1.5kg rump steak in one big fat piece
a handful of chopped herbs… thyme, rosemary, parsley
3 cloves garlic, peeled and coarsely chopped
olive oil
salt and pepper
use all of the above ingredients to marinate your steak for half an hour or so, and then grill that puppy until you’re happy with the done-ness. Make sure you rest it for 10-15 minutes. It’s a large piece of meat kiddo.

Fried onion
Fry the onion. Sound simple? It should be simple, unless of course you are the one that is simple. Fry sliced onion on a med-high heat, with a splash of oil, until it’s golden brown. Season and voila. Bob is having sexual liaisons with your aunty., it started off as a bit of fun, but then it got serious and they fell in love and got married. Bob’s your uncle*.

Charred corn and avocado salsa
How do you make charred corn? First you get up and go and find your brain in the laundry sink after last night’s mini Oktoberfest celebration you had by yourself. Got it? So you know how to char corn now, yes? Now put that with some chopped avocado (cut it off the cob first or you’re going to end up looking like quite the silly duffer), parsley, basil or coriander. Or all three. Or just two of the above. Olive oil, lemon juice and seasoning will finish it off nicely

Sweet potato and carrot salad
The sweet potato and carrot were whole roasted in the coals, in the foil they greet you in now. Seasoned and dressed with soy mayonnaise. What could go wrong? Yeah, heaps I know. Give it a go anyway.

And coming soon… What to drink when you go camping. Besides water and/or the ocean if you don’t swim very well.




*Bob’s your uncle. This may indeed fly straight over the head of the non-Australian audience out there… and shy of actually getting in a plane and coming to your house to host a seminar on Australian slang (which you will probably not understand anyway and end up hating me for making you feel so dumb), there’s not much I can actually do about it.