Sexy corn AKA. corn porn

Just like any other story that may be attached to anything porn-esque, I am going to keep this one short, sharp, concise, moist, yellow, wrinkly, lubed up and to the point.

Firstly, you know about the standard – buttered corn.

The entry-level corn for those amongst us who think they don’t like corn or who have not tried it previously. It is for the corn virgin. It is the missionary position of the corn world. Sure it still tastes really damn good, but sometimes after eating the same corn for the whole of your life thus far, you need to spice it up a bit… try something a little more adventurous… invite other corn into the bedroom… what the fuck am I talking about now…

If the buttered corn is the standard, the mayonnaise-y, herby, chilli, cheesy corn is definitely the glory-hole-manning-swinger-tending-towards-sexual-deviancy. Next level. Give it a bash at least once in your life type shit…

Or not.

On to the corn!

Sexy corn looking all sexy and shit.

SEXY CORN (per person for as many people as you like)

1 cob of sweet corn
1 tablespoon mayonnaise – home made or kewpie would be good choices
1 teaspoon hot sauce
1 heaped tablespoon of finely grated parmesan or pecorino
1 handful of chopped mixed herbs (coriander, parsley, oregano, chives)
A little finely sliced spring onion (scallion)
¼ lime zest, lime reserved to squeeze over corn
Salt and pepper

Grill or boil the corn for 5 minutes or until it is just cooked. This should be pretty easy for you by now.
Squeeze over or roll corn through mayonnaise, douse with hot sauce and lime, and then layer with all of the other goodies.
Eat it.
Change your knickers.

Smoky Grilled Pork Ribs with South Carolina Mustard BBQ Sauce

bbq pork ribs
Sometimes, as a gentleman, you just need to eat yourself a big hunk of meat and gnaw that shit straight from the bone… Often, I even go that little bit further and cook it first just to really treat myself. And, if I want to truly venture out into the realm that is “the next level”, that aforementioned meat is going to be kissed and licked and touched by the golden hand of smoky smoky goodness… it’s starting to sound more like a late night visit from your Uncle Jimmy right now.

No Uncle Jimmy, I’m trying to sleep… Time to get back on track plenty fast methinks.

Smoking (not like out the back of the sports shed at lunch time styles or like that old guy with a pocket full of fivers out the back of the public toilets at Mardi Gras), or even grilling meat on your BBQ, weber or something else that involves coals and a few wood chips or twigs is something that you really need to feel. It’s Mr Miagi shit for sure. It is something that would take me more than a page of a blog to explain to you. So rest assured, I will not be holding your hand as we stroll casually through the intricacies of the techniques and methods needed to master the grilling of pork ribs… or anything else for that matter. It’s a watchy-learny type thing I think…

After three hours over the glowing coals,and a basting with a little of the mustard sauce, these ribs come out looking as tan as a cougar after her weekly trip to the solarium. Unlike a cougar though, these ribs are tender and delicious, and you would be more than happy to show them to your friends and let them have a little chew too. Also dissimilar to my comparison to a cougar, these ribs leave a damn fine taste in your mouth and have you wanting for more.


Borrow that hash tag if you want, it is a cracker.

The taste of smoky goodness mixed with the elation of chewing a damn fine piece of meat from the bone… Some of my favourite sides… A kick-ass mustard sauce that I would happily smear all over my own body and attempt to lick it off… I am a happy happy man, albeit one who is covered in mustard sauce and looking comparable to a professional contortionist.

Get some one to show you how to cook ribs over the coals. Thank them for that and show them out. Serve the ribs with this mustard sauce, grilled corn with coriander, chilli and heaps of butter and ‘slaw.

This is what BBQ ribs looked like back in the olden days
This is what BBQ ribs looked like back in the olden days
…and how they look now. Pretty similar I guess
…and how they look now. Pretty similar I guess
Get them on the table with some sides
Get them on the table with some sides
You know where this is going
You know where this is going
Oh dear good lord
Oh dear good lord


¾ cup yellow mustard
¾ cup cider vinegar
1 tablespoon light brown sugar
1 ½ tablespoons unsalted butter
2 teaspoons salt
2 tablespoons Worcestershire sauce
1 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
2 teaspoons louisiana hot sauce (if you want some spice)

• Combine all ingredients in small saucepan. Whisk to combine and simmer for 20-30 minutes, whisking occasionally
• Allow to cool before using
• Store remainder in a sealed container in the fridge for bloody ages. At least a few months

Food truly is the best shit ever… pulled pork with some damn fine sides

IMG_5102 Oh how I love to eat. I mean I really effing love to eat. Some days I pray to the dear lord and thank him for giving me a mouth and hands to transport things to it… actually, I could probably do with out the hands if I really had to, but I sure am damn thankful for my mouth. Food touches me like I have never been touched before (sorry Uncle Roy). I’ve mentioned previously that it is something that we all need to do to live, but eating for me is an event. I look forward to it every day. Preparing and cooking food and feeding friends and family and all of the customers that keep me in a job, and even a few that I would probably rather they ate at a different restaurant (damn smelly little bridge trolls), but I still feed them. And I still love it! I drive to work and think about what I’m going to cook that day. I eat breakfast while I’m pondering what my dinner shall be. I spend my days off slow cooking something delicious (because slow cooking season is upon us now) for dinner, making chutney or mayonnaise with eggs I have just collected from our chooks. I wonder if we should invite someone over to share this feast tonight, or have I already done that too many times this week? I can’t wait to eat. I often get asked what my favourite style of food to cook is. I was thinking about that this morning and then it dawned on me; I don’t have a particular style or point of origin of my favourite foods, they just need to be served feast style, in the company of good, nay great people, with something to wash it down. I find beer or wine is a suitable lubricant for this task. Every day for me is like the day a teenage boy knows his parents are going out, his girlfriend is coming over and he is definitely going to get a peek at his girlfriends boobies tonight. I AM REALLY EXCITED. I think the thing for me is I like to try and fit as many sides and condiments as I can on the table, thus making it easier for me to put them in my belly. It also means you and your guests can adjust seasonings and flavours to your own specific tastes. What a gracious host eh. Always thinking of others. And you know what, if putting all of those sides and condiments on the table has left you a bit slight in the wallet, just get your self a cheap bottle of wine and drink it out of a viking-esque tankard. It worked for them… Anyhoo, I’m sure you all get the picture. I love food, I love cooking, I love my family, I love your mum…err, I love life. That’ll do. This is little feast I knocked up yesterday, and then ate with my children for an impromptu Boy’s Night. This sort of food really does benefit from the presence of a couple of good sides, or it’s just going to be pulled pork on a plate… which would not be a terrible meal but… just make some effing sides OK!

This is a good time to have a mouth
This is a good time to have a mouth

PULLED PORK WITH SOME DAMN FINE SIDES   For the pork 1kg pork belly ½ cup smoked paprika 1 tablespoon each tumeric, mustard powder, white pepper and salt 2 tablespoons brown sugar 5 cloves garlic, chopped

  • Mix everything together with a splash of oil to form a paste
  • Lather the paste all over the pork belly like it was body chocolate on your best friend’s mum, and let it marinate for a few hours or over night if possible (the pork, not your best friend’s mum)
  • Put the pork in a heavy based oven dish with ½ cup of water and roast that sucker for 4 hours at 150-160C. hit it with 200C or your grill for the last 10 minutes to crackle the skin up
  • Remove from oven and slice off the skin, which should now be awesomely crisp
  • Put the meat in a bowl and pull it apart with two forks, hence the term “pulled pork”
  • Add the spiced pan juices into the meat and combine
  • Season
  • Get it onto the table
Marinate the pork
Marinate the pork
Cook the pork
Cook the pork
Pull the skin off to reveal the moist, tender underside
Pull the skin off to reveal the moist, tender underside
Get your forks in there and shred it bro
Get your forks in there and shred it bro
Add a little saucy goodness
Add a little saucy goodness
Eat it fool
Eat it like this, fool
...or try it like that
…or try it like that
Grilled corn with chimmichurri is good
Grilled corn with chimmichurri is good

For the kidney beans 1 tin kidney beans 1 brown onion, sliced 1 tomato, diced 2 cloves garlic, peeled, left whole 2 bay leaves ½ cup olive oil

  • Sauté the onions and garlic in the oil until translucent
  • Add all other ingredients
  • Simmer for 15-20 minutes
  • Season
  • Get it on the table
  • I can’t tell you enough how much I love these beans

For the tomato salsa This is but one version of 1 billion salsa recipes out there. Do it however you do it. 3 tomatoes, diced 1 onion, diced 1 clove garlic, chopped 1 pickled jalapeño chilli with a little of the pickle liquid

  • Pulse once or twice in a food prcesser
  • Season
  • On the table. Damn

  The other things that were on the table Pickled red cabbage, shredded iceberg lettuce, grilled corn, chimmichurri sauce, natural yoghurt, lime, tortillas That is how to eat!