Put-on-anything, back up, corny, feel good salsa

This (or some kind of slightly bastardised, red headed step child of a version of this) is the salsa you will now use to impress people when you don’t actually have the brain capacity and/or motor skill to impress people.

This is the thesaurus of the intellectually incapacitated… it is the bath for the homeless man… it is the Google of the modern child… it is the facelift for the elderly whore… it is… time to move on.

The thing is, it will make you seem like a heaps cleverer person than you actually are.

The scenario may be something as simple as you impressing the heck out of yourself with a hangover dinner of shit-in-a-tin nachos topped with this little ray of sun shine of a salsa, or maybe you just want to mix it with a little chopped lettuce for “your own version” (wink, wink) of a chopped salad, or maybe you invite a heap of pretty girls over and impress the knickers off of them with some tasty assed tacos topped with this look-like-a-champion salsa, or maybe even your boss comes for dinner and you serve this with a beautifully roasted piece of chicken (you can find that a few posts back), sautéed spinach or kale and a delicious pan gravy.

Seriously, I am even starting to impress myself a little right now, and believe me – I’m pretty tough to win over.

Grill that corn or flash it in a pan if that’s all you got

Really close to the corn salsa

Really far away from the corn salsa


2 sweet corn, grilled, kernels stripped
2 medium tomatoes, dice (I really can’t be too fucked to remove the seeds)
1 lebanese cucumber, deseeded and diced (Yes. I fucking deseed the cucumber. It’s heaps easier and more efficient than deseeding tomatoes though)
½ red onion, diced
50-100g feta, crumbled
½ bunch coriander and/or oregano, roughly chopped
A splash (or 10) of your favourite hot sauce
Juice of 1-2 limes
1 tablespoon olive oil
Salt and pepper

Get it all into a large mixing bowl.
Mix gently to combine.
Put on something and eat it in your face.

Tasty assed grilled chicken with gochujang and smoked honey

grilled chicken recipe
This was another one of those happen-to-have-a-really-good-looking-chook-on-hand-and-I’m-pretty-keen-to-put-something-on-the-bbq type situations. You know those ones, right?

I also had in my possession a bottle of gochujang – the fermented chilli (red pepper) paste of Korean origins that I had been hearing so much about lately cos I am a fricking ear-to-the-ground kinda guy.

Also in my possession was a flagon of rum. But both you and I know that was going to be used to get those carnies dancing as the evening went on…

Back to that really damn good chicken.

The chicken was bathed in a very simple marinade, containing, if my time learning mathematics at school serves me correctly, no more than 5 or possibly 6 ingredients. You know what that means? Less prep time. You know what that means? Less time in the kitchen. You know what that means? More time enjoying a refreshing beverages and watching those drunken carnies dance… oh, how I love to watch them dance…

I ate chicken… I was left smiling – a big red sticky mess… and this time it couldn’t all be blamed on the beard…

The chicken looked like this at the start but it was so pretty and sticky and red by the end of the cook
The chicken looked like this at the start but it was so pretty and sticky and red by the end of the cook

Just grillin' some really tasty chicken... really tasty chicken
Just grillin’ some really tasty chicken… really tasty chicken


(Serves however many people you serve with a roast chicken. You could also sub in 2kg of chicken wings for a quicker result and a really fucking tasty little snack during a long night of watching the drunken carnie dancing or even a game of actual sport if that’s what you’re into)

1 whole chook, butterflied or cut into 4. I’m pretty sure your butcher will do that for you
½ cup gochujang
½ cup butter, softened (a little sun shine or 10 seconds in the microwave should look after that for you)
2 tablespoons smoked honey* (straight up honey will also do a very good job here)
1 teaspoon salt
Sliced shallots (scallions) and toasted sesame seeds to serve
Napkins. You defo need napkins for this stuff

• Mix gochujang, butter, honey and salt. Pour the mix over the chicken and let it marinate for an hour or so.
• Whack it on the grill over some gentle coals for approximately one hour, depending on how well you tend your BBQ. Check and turn and baste with the extra saucy goodness every 15 minutes.
• (45minutes in a 180-200C oven will also do the job of cooking your chook)
• Once cooked allow to rest for 10 minutes.
• Serve with extra gochujang if you love that, shallots and sesame seeds

*I found some nice peeps who make smoked honey called Blend Smoked Honey. You can find them right here. It’s well worth a hit. PS I certainly do not get paid for my under-thought opinions… although with this sort of entertainment value I probably should ay… I gotta work on that.

A pretty average pic of a really tasty dish
A pretty average pic of a really tasty dish

Five ingredient exploding tastebud techniques for Troppo #2… the dirty burger

This is seriously quicker than getting your fat ass into some trackie dacks, waddling to your car and heading out to a burger-of-ill-repute drive through (yeah I’m talking to you comic book guy). This is every five-ingredient-exploding-tastebud-techniques padiwans dream. Because let’s face it; who doesn’t like a good burger. I’ve rambled on about them before so I’ll spare you “notes from the diary of a burger fiend” today as a special once only, enjoy your Monday, introduction to the week offer. You better make one for dinner tonight.

And why is this called a dirty burger? Just because it is that’s why. I didn’t inquire about your stupid name, did I? It’s my burger and I’ll darn well call it whatever I want!

you dirty little burger
you dirty little burger

The dirty burger

When you break it down, not unlike MC Hammer did in his short lived popularity in the early nineties, a burger needs only a few good elements. Seasoned beef mince, a bun, some crisp lettuce and a dressing of some description. The rest is up to you. Lets do this…

get things that look like all the stuff in the photo and your on the home stretch...
get things that look like all the stuff in the photo and your on the home stretch…

1 handful beef mince

salt and pepper

a bun that you think you may enjoy. I stole mine from the baker at work

iceberg lettuce for some crunch

tomato sauce

  • Season the beef with salt and pepper and form into a good sized pattie
  • Use a flamethrower to cook it if you are a proper tough guy, otherwise a pan on the stove will do fine. Med-high heat, about three minutes each side
  • Done. Assemble the burger in what ever fashion you see fit
  • Eat it in your face. Nom nom nom

There, five ingredients… almost

The optional extras include mustard mayo, dill pickle, beetroot, onion, tomato, cheese and bacon, all of which I think deserve a place on this beast so it can truly be called “The Dirty Burger”.

You know your mouth is watering so get on to that shit homeboy. Eff yes!

Smoky fire roasted tumeric chicken for Troppo…

As part of my new segment, “Easy shit for Troppo to cook”.

My mate Troppo is a man of simple pleasures. A nice girl, something to eat, snow and some good tunes are a fine beginning to a smiling Troppo.

When venturing into that belly-filling hub of any home, the kitchen, Troppo likes to cook things that are easy and hopefully have a bit of room for error. And if the whole meal can be cooked in one pan even better… If it can be baked in the oven the guy is going to be pretty pleased with himself… And if it contains 5 ingredients or less and still tastes anywhere between OK and good, Troppo is going to be wearing his winning smile… And if there is a naked carnie to eat it off, even better… And then maybe he finds five bucks.

Troppo is also very tall. I mean, I am tall but Troppo is one of those really tall guys who I have to look up to. Relevance to this story? Nil. My care factor? Nil also.

So, as a favour to a jolly stirling old chap and a true friend, I shall see if I can’t use my chef’s brains to conjure up a few decent recipes constructed of five ingredients, or there abouts. And maybe I’ll even share a few gripping tales about my mate Troppo.

On a very relevant note, troppo has been quoted in various highly esteemed society publications as saying “fire is the start of something good” (This is reason alone that I would love this man like a brother), so it was agreed that fire would be the source of heat for the caramelisation of meats that would inevitably become part of our quest for satiation on this fine evening. The “Maillard Reaction” would be our friend tonight!

All you need for chooky success. The tumeric is the one marked “tumeric”
Troppo slaps the chicken
Chicken meets smoky goodness
Troppo and Jennee. To cool for this shit…
Looking good ladies
Chopped up and ready to roll
You remember how to eat, yeah?

Smoky chooks with tumeric and a couple of other things

With this sort of cooking you are going to have a hard time producing a shit product if you listen to your favourite pirate Uncle (me) and follow a couple of simple rules. 1) Use the best meat your back pocket will allow, and 2) wait until your fire has calmed down a bit and keep your meat to the side so it can hang out for a while a get all smoky and fantastic. Sounds easy? It is!

If you don’t have a fire pit, as I understand a lot of people don’t, don’t be scared to use a BBQ or a medium-high oven.

Almost five ingredients
2 free-range chickens… maybe 1 if you’re not feeding a hoard, butterflied
2 tablespoons tumeric powder, unless it’s been sitting in the back of the cupboard for a year in which case it probably tastes all musty and shitty
5 cloves garlic
1 long red chilli
5 kaffir lime leaves
1 tablespoon palm sugar
• Blitz all ingredients together
• Rub down that bird like the naughty little girl it is. Maybe slap it once or twice too. Now do the same to the other one
• Season with a good splash of fish sauce
• Now grill the chooks on the side of your fire pit for an hour, or two if time is your friend. Cover with banana leaves if you really want to catch that smoky flavour
• We ate these with Asian slaw, nam jim, pickled cucumber salad and a pile of good company

You’re welcome!