Chicken nugget type things… made by you… at home

home made chicken nuggets
Here you go. Another easy-assed recipe for the kids to get in and be a part of, and eat the shit out of to boot. Sure it’s fine if you want to feed your kids those stinky shit chicken nuggets from the freezer section at the local supermarket (yeah, the place where the idea of good food goes to die a slow, painful death, with wire in it’s eyes and everything), but just as long as you’re not thinking that you are actually feeding your kids a nice bit of chicken. You need to accept the fact that you are feeding your kids crap – ground up chicken face crap. But I guess it’s still chicken, so that’s why they get to call them chicken nuggets, eh.

It is true I’m not here to tell you how to raise your kids. I’m more the guy that you turn to when you’re in need of a little chuckle, whether that be because you think I’m funny or you’re just laughing at the grasp I just barely have on the English language, either way that’s a win for me.

So if I am not making you laugh today, not making your very funny bone tingle with elation, then may I suggest The Anchorman. No, not that guy in the trench coat who is always at the wharf offering passers by a peek at his anchor tattoo, I would suggest watching the movie “The Anchorman”. That is some really funny shit. No matter how many times I’ve seen that film I still laugh myself stupid (yeah I know, that could be more of a small giggle for the desired result) at Ron Burgundy trying to talk his way out of his massive erection with new reporter, Veronica Corningstone… and everything Brick Tamland says. Everything he says. I feel a little bad because it is mentioned he is slightly less abled in his mental capacity, but it’s Ok because I know that movies are not real – movies, unicorns and good politicians – so I still LOL all over the place. I actually cannot watch this film while eating because I almost spit up my lunch.

Go watch it. Watch it now.

Make heaps of mess crumbing the chicken
Make heaps of mess crumbing the chicken

All crumbed up and looking for a pan
All crumbed up and looking for a pan
Found the pan
Found the pan
And now it's time to find my belly
And now it’s time to find my belly

HOME MADE CHICKEN NUGGETY THINGS with OVEN CHIPS and COLESLAW (for 4)

600g free range chicken breast or thigh, cut into little nugget pieces
Breadcrumbs (crumb a GF loaf if you can’t do the wheat), flour and egg mix to crumb
Seasoning
4-5 large potatoes, scrubbed and cut into chips
Coleslaw and dipping sauces to serve

• This is so simple writing this recipe down hurts me
• To crumb the chicken first coat it in flour, then eggwash and then breadcrumbs. Put it through the egg and crumbs again if you want them super crusty. Put them aside while you get the rest of dinner ready
• Cook the chips or, if you can’t do that by yourself my recipe is here
• Make coleslaw. Once again, my recipe is here
• Shallow fry the nuggets in oil over a medium heat until cooked and golden brown
• Serve it all up with some tomato sauce (ketchup) for the kids and yoghurt with pomegranate molasses for the bigger kids
• Nom nom nom

I found they were complimented perfectly by a fistful of tasty beers, while the boys preferred to wash their nuggets and chips down with more nuggets and chips.

Wooli part 6… the Wooli Oyster Po’ Bo’

SAMSUNG CSC

Today I set about redeeming myself before the Oyster Gods for my lack of successful consumption of the exotic bivalve mollusc they had so generously laid before me yesterday… and this time I have come with a plan and a secret weapon.

We have decided we will be having oyster po’ bo’s… or as the boys like to call them; oysters burgers. That’s fine with me, as long as a receptacle of glutinous origins shall be transporting some fried oysters to my face, possibly aiding in the cause will be some coleslaw. But it is the oysters I am concerned about for now.

Enter the smoked chilli powder.

I shall be liberally dusting this smoked chilli powder, which I have made quite simply by chucking some long red chillis into the smoker for about 20 minutes and then grinding them into a powder, over my fried oysters as soon as they emerge from their exfoliating and rejuvenating 180C burning hot oil bath. Cunning, yes. Cunninglingus, no. Sometimes, as a parent, you need to pull a few little tricks out to ensure to get your share… or a share… or just some table scraps like a jester in the kings court. I’m just scared of the day they pass Chilli Appreciation 101…

Crumby photo. Bahaha
Crumby photo. Bahaha
The exfoliating and rejuvenating oil bath
The exfoliating and rejuvenating oil bath
Soooo good
Soooo good
I would do this again
I would do this again

WOOLI OYSTER PO’ BO’

Per sandwich
1 bun
6 oysters
Bread crumbs*, egg and flour for crumbing
1-2 slices prosciutto or speck
Fennel coleslaw (coleslaw just how you normally make it but with some slice fennel in there too)
Smoked chilli powder
Oil to shallow fry
Chips to serve
Flairy holiday shack plates to serve on

• Crumb oysters by first dredging in flour, then through beaten egg mix and then through the bread crumbs
• Heat oil in a pan over medium heat. Once oil is hot, fry oysters for 1 minute or so each side, until golden. Remove from pan and drain on kitchen paper or your mum’s best shirt
• While oysters are draining discard most of the oil from the pan and then fry prosciutto until crisp
• Put some coleslaw in your bun, followed by oysters, prosciutto and smoked chilli powder or hot sauce
• Serve with oven chips

OVEN CHIPS (sides for 4 or a full white trash meal for 1)

6 medium potatoes skin on, washed if they need a bath, cut into 1cm chips
Seasoning
Oil
• Blanch potatoes in boiling water for 2-3 minutes. This makes them better, trust me. Strain and allow to cool
• Put on an oven tray, splash with however much oil your fancy diet will allow and season generously
• Bake at 200C for 25 minutes, tossing regularly
• Serve with your po’ bo’

*if you want to make your own bread crumbs, which I generally do, and you don’t have a food processer handy, which I did not bring to the holiday shack, use a stale loaf (or frozen works well) and grate it to fulfill your dreams

Jennee’s Birthday Feast(s)

HAPPY BIRFDAY JENNEE

A dodgy photo of a dodgy fam...
A dodgy photo of a dodgy fam…

Yesterday was the date of birth of my lovely betrothed, Jennee. A magical day indeed. The day started as if we were in a fairytale. We awoke in a mansion over looking Byron Bay and the lighthouse, surrounding by beautiful lush green fields and a tempting glassy blue ocean. Who would’ve believed it… and then reality started to creep into to the scene. We were no longer Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan. This was not our fairytale at all. No, we had stayed here at the invitation of our friends who, the night previous, had thrown a cracker of an engagement party, and by Jeeves I think I was still drunk.

I had to get to work.

Jennee hit the beach nice and early and by 8:30 she was seated in the restaurant I work at (yeah I know, pretty rough that I worked on her birthday but the thing is, when I bought birthday presents for Jen the stall owners insisted that I pay them with cold hard cash, thus I worked. Jennee likes presents, cold hard cash it was) and ready for the birthday breakfast*. Jennee had spent a good part of her working week unproductive and continuously in thought as to what this birthday breakfast may be, and then it was finally decided. There was fanfare and trumpets and a town crier, just like a royal wedding or the finals of “Pop Asia”, this was an event not to be missed. “What will it be?” the voices murmured around the crowd until, like a giant game of Chinese whispers, the murmur reached the beginning again, where It had become “red cat three”… Now, what the hell was I talking about? Ah, Jen’s birthday breakfast. Gluten free toast with, avocado, tomato, feta and chorizo salsa, rocket, poached eggs and chilli jam. It looked good. I wanted to eat it. Well that’s a lie. I didn’t want to eat anything but I knew I would’ve wanted to eat it if I had not now sobered up enough for a cracking hangover to kick in. She said it was really good.

Gimme some white mans magic pills. Make stabbing pain in head go away….

My work day ended just in time. Well, it actually ended the same time it always does but I don’t think I could’ve gone any further, plus I needed to make dinner for Jen. Now… what did she want?? And this is where I got really lucky, for Jen desired a seafood feast, and this to me is easy entertaining. I can do this on autopilot no dramas at all.

Prawns and oysters have a special place in my heart... and my belly
Prawns and oysters have a special place in my heart… and my belly
Puttanesca baby octopus at the front, some other stuff behind that
Puttanesca baby octopus at the front, some other stuff behind that
Salmon carpaccio
Salmon carpaccio
Herby squid rings
Herby squid rings
Mmmmm
Mmmmm

We had cooked prawns, fresh oysters with soy mirin and ginger, wakame, salmon capparccio with lemon, soy, coriander and olive oil, herby squid rings, braised baby octopus with puttanesca flavours (yes you will get a full recipe for that one shortly), oven chips (recipe here), salads, beer, cider and by the end of it all we had damn full bellies. A minimal effort (don’t tell Jen that though), using fresh produce for a great result. The only things I had to cook were the octopus, squid and chips. Which leaves so much more time for drinking away this hangover…

Truly a great way to entertain, unless of course you are allergic to seafood, in which case this feast may be very similar to suicide or eating actual shit. Too far? Bye bye.

*I guess being married to a chef may have it’s downfalls (although nothing immediately springs to mind) but having someone to personally cook whatever birthday meal the furthest reaches of your brain’s culinary expanse may desire, is certainly not one of those downfalls

Amy and Justin come to stay part 2… burgers, flies and the swimming pool

That’s right. Part 2 in the Amy and Justin saga… no stay at our house would be complete without a swim in the pool, a conversation with the colony of flies that lives on our verandah, and a burger…

It’s hot out. It’s pretty bloody hot in too, to be totally honest. The dogs lay in the shade panting, their tongues are hanging out like the old prostitute’s clitoris. The cacti are wilting. The flies are out in force like teenage kids at a Facebook party, these flies know shit is going down today. Right here. We sit on the verandah a cool glass of something white in hand. I have no idea what it is but it goes down easy (there’s a joke in there for sure. Use your dirty little mind to tell you what it is!). A little too easy. And another… but now I think it’s time for a beer. Justin agrees. We sit on the verandah drinking aforementioned beer, and conversing with previously discussed flies. And by conversing I kinda just mean we were swearing at them and turning into karate experts instantly as they swarmed around us for a closer listen. Apparently they were hard of hearing, or maybe just unable to understand our strange murmurings… Justin decided their numbers couldn’t support a sustainable existence for their species so he would cull a few and try to thin out the population. I decided it would be best if I stuck to what I knew, so I got started on dinner.

come...
come…
here little...
here little…
fly!
fly! Ay…

Hamburgers on the fire seemed like a good choice, because let’s face it; no stay at our place is complete with a burger of some description. Sometimes I think that I may actually have an unhealthy obsession with the burger and the person who created it! A deep seeded passion that makes me desire one every other day. Then I go trawling for some really overweight people outside McDonalds and ask them if they think burgers are a great meal option. I always come out reassured and back on top… I digress. Burgers on the fire. As I moved from our fort in the shade to light the fire that my silly brain told me would be a good idea to light to cook the burgers on, I was immediately reminded that the day was bloody hot, and there was no bloody way I was going to be cooking on a open fire in this damned heat! I got no more then three steps toward the fire pit when my smart brain hooked my course drastically to the left, which inadvertently lead me straight to the pool gate.

A quick swim and then back to this dinner…

BURGERS WITH PARMESAN OVEN CHIPS (for 6 or more)

For the burger patties

2kg freshly ground beef mince

1 heaped teaspoon each salt and white pepper

  • You can stop right there if you wish, and normally I do, but today I felt like a burger more similar to the ones my mum used to make, so I added one finely diced red onion and one grated carrot
  • Now mix well and form into patties 200g-ish (or as big as you want. Just remember, the bigger the patttie the longer it will take to cook. Sound obvious? It should be but truly isn’t)
  • Cook those bad boys on a high heat to get a bit of caramelisation going on. This helps the burger taste really good. They should take about 3 minutes each side*. If they start to get too much colour then drop the heat a bit until they are done to your liking. Don’t be afraid of a little bit of pink in the middle

Stuff that is good to go on burgers

  • Iceberg lettuce
  • Ripe tomato
  • Raw onion
  • Dill pickles
  • Provolone cheese
  • Mayonnaise
  • Tomato sauce
mmmmm
mmmmm

Parmesan oven chips

  • Cook chips how you would normally cook them; oven, deep frier, barrel of whale blubber, what ever
  • As soon as they’re done whack them in a bowl and chuck in a handful of grated reggiano parmesan and some chopped parsley

Beer

  • Your fridge. If there is no beer in your fridge you may need to consider going to the bottlo (bottleshop for those of you not in the know) and purchase some with local currency

Good company

  • Find your own or pay a homeless guy to pretend

*Heston Blumenthal has a theory that the meat should be turned every 15seconds or so, and this helps to keep the meat moist. He also has a cracker of a theory behind the best burgers which you should probably also suss out and try it out if you have the means. Let me know how you go… click this.

Burgers a la Jennee

;

I am clearly not the only person who can cook in this household. And I am certainly not the only person who can cook a burger.

Jen, my wife can cook. She is a damn fine cook actually. Until recently we had worked in kitchens together ever since we met (a lot depends on this number I am about to insert here)… Err… Eleven years ago. A regular little effing kitchen romance.

Yeah boy. The best of both worlds. Or not (let’s just say tempers can and will flair at any given moment in the heat of a kitchen), depending on who you talk to. But that’s a story for another time…

The point of this being nil but you still seam to be reading so I shall provide your eager eyes and ever-ready taste buds with a recipe.

When I say Jennee likes to cook, I guess I mean she likes to try and out-cook me. Which is fine because I have found the food gods and I am at one with my cooking ability. In short, I am one zen-assed mofo. It just means I get to eat good food on a more regular basis. Yeeha.

You defo get extra points if you can rock the homemade rolls.

;

What you need to make burgers a la Jennee…
Seasoned beef mince (150-200g per person)
Rolls (1 per person seams to be the go. Jen made hers just because she can, and it makes her look heaps OG)
Onion jam (yeah she made that too)
Sliced cheese
Lettuce
Grated fresh beetroot – nice touch
Grated carrot
Cucumber
Mayonnaise and tomato sauce
Oven roasted potato wedges to serve

Potato wedges
Potatoes, scrubbed and cut into wedges
Mixed dried herbs
Chilli flakes
Seasoning
Oil
Coat the potato wedges in oil
Sprinkle with all of the other stuff
Bake on a lined tray for 40-ish minutes at 200C