Paul’s Caul… Eat, drink Perth

eat drink perth demo photo

Eat, drink Perth

If I had to use ten words to describe me, ‘Eat, Drink Perth’ would be three of them.

That statement is not only the truth, but it is quite highly possible that it will not hold any relevance to anything or anyone ever, yet here we are using talking about the correlation too my fictional ten word autobiographical blurb… why? Because its also a festival here in Perth WA, and what’s more a festival that requested my services to host an event throughout the festival.

Better question… what the fuck are the other 6 words, all I knows for sure that academic certainly ain’t one.

Now, if you are all shocked that either G-bags McFilthy Mouth or I actually hold down jobs as Chefs and what’s more get taken seriously by people in the community… then get in line because it blows my fucking mind!!!

Don’t get me wrong I’m honored to be working in a job that allows me to be creative and passionate at work. Work that is now not only just food, its entertainment, science and magic (magic may or may not be just magnets) but what the guys from City of Perth wanted was a little of all that, they wanted a cooking demo along with samples and they wanted that wrapped up in ramblings about food being the best shit ever. So how could I resist, I jumped on board and ‘Date night with Paul Macnish’ was created.

Hang on did you just say date night?

Well that name was a surprise to me also… and I dare say anyone that came ready to fling their metaphorical keys in massive metaphorical bowls.

But name aside we moved on, and the night consisted of me for an hour getting to share whatever food I wanted not only the production of said dishes but actually handed out proper tangible cuisine, brilliant! And they had a couple of massive screens behind me which were used for the screening of the food orientated movies afterwards, beanbags and wireless headsets where handed out for free and all in all it was a cracking success.

I managed to only swear a few times over 5 hours of talking and only offended two countries I know of, but all in all I was just happy not to of mentioned how much the inside of a papaya looks like a vagina… I really do set the bar of expectation very low and of the most part goals are very achievable.

Heaps of friends came down to support me which, as always, made it all worth it. I love to see new people getting into food and I love to be part of their education and growth in the world of deliciousness. But what is the best thing about food? It’s not the preparation of food and it’s not purchasing of food. It’s not the looking at food or smelling food… it is all of that and more, but above all it is about sharing it with friends… so a massive thanks to all that came down.

I promised heaps of people that I would get the recipes from the demo’s up on here. These are the recipes from the dessert week…

This a belting dessert and easy as… so get amongst it

Lemongrass panna cotta with lychee ice & ginger cacao crumb

Panna cotta
450ml cream
300ml milk
2 sheets leaf gelatin
150g castor sugar
2 large stalks lemongrass, bashed and chopped finely
• In a saucepan bring the cream, milk, sugar and lemongrass to the simmer and let cook for 3minutes, then turn off heat and allow to in fuse for 15minutes.
• Soak the gelatin sheets in cold water.
• Squeeze out the water from the sheets and whisk into the cream mixture.
• Strain mixture into a jug.
• Pour mixture equally into dariole moulds filling them 1 cm from the top.
• Allow to set over night in fridge.

Lychee ice
230g tinned lychee
30g palm sugar
4 kaffir lime leaves
1lt water
• In a small pot add the water and palm sugar and heat to dissolve.
• Add the lime leaves and allow infusing off the heat for 15 minutes then strain.
• In a good quality blender, blend lychees and add the palm sugar liquor.
• Allow to cool.
• Either churn in ice cream machine or put in freezer and stir every 15 minutes until it freezes.

Ginger, coconut & cacao crumb
1 packet of ginger nuts
30g cacao nibs or beans (that have been shelled)
100g fresh or moist coconut
• In a good blender blend all ingredients to desired texture.

Almost healthy rocky road type thing

Alright then… let's get into it
Alright then… let’s get into it

Do you like a bit of chocolate on the odd occasion?

I like a bit of chocolate on the odd occasion. I don’t like to admit it though. I actually have some kind of phobia in my sub-conscious that prevents me from admitting I like chocolate (or anything sweet, really), hence the lack of sweet stuff, except possibly my words, on this blog. I like to pretend I don’t have any sort of sweet tooth and have done so for ages… ever since I had a tooth pulled out because it was rotting away due to my excessive consumption of chocolate. Oh yes, I was once a fiend for sweet chocolaty goodness. Point being; every now and then I feel the urges of someone who needs a chocolate fix… and they need it now.

This is what I have started doing when I feel those ungodly desires. Firstly, I kneel down and pray for my chocolate endorsing soul. The second thing I do is push my unholy soul deep into my sub-conscious and make me some almost healthy rocky road.

All you need is some dark chocolate in the cupboard (for making cakes and shit, eh) and some healthy things like nuts and seeds and dried fruit, just so you feel a little better about the whole thing… and having some kind of trail mix rocky road kicks ass over a piece of plain chocolate for me any day. It’s kind of like sex without a condom; the two really can’t be compared!

Get some nuts
Get some nuts
Coat your nuts in chocolate and… oh dear… I need to get out of here
Coat your nuts in chocolate and… oh dear… I need to get out of here

ALMOST HEALTHY ROCKY ROAD TYPE THING
1 cup of mixed nuts (I go with brazil nuts and sunflower seed to trick my mind into thinking I am a good boy), chopped
½ cup mixed dried fruit (I had goji berries and sultanas), once again to make your brain think you are being healthy
1 cup good dark chocolate
That’s all
• Combine nuts and fruit in a bowl
• Melt chocolate
• Combine the lot and mix until combined
• Spread onto a tray/plate lined with baking paper
• Allow to set in the fridge for 15-20 minutes
• Chop and try a piece… and then have another piece… and then another

#chocolatefixsortedkid

Another day, another cook-off part 3… and the winner is…

Golden, crusty goodness
Golden, crusty goodness

So it has finally happened. Jennee has produced the recipes of the dishes Sarah and she prepared at our last “Stockdale vs Cootes cook-off”. Just as I have been able to at last put that last crippling defeat of cookery at the hands of my dear wife and her family out of my mind and finally rear my shamed face in public again, she goes and presents me with these recipes so she may rub my face in it once again… it is a cruel world out there folks, mark my words. If I had been born with thirteen fingers and nary the brain capacity to remove my pants before I went to the toilet, that cruel she dog that is the world would have surely chewed me up and spat me out by now. But no, I am still here. And just in case you didn’t figure it out yet (maybe you are one of those people with thirteen figures and, just in case you are, watch out for the world… she’s after you) team Cootes won that cook-off… and this is how they did it;

Step 1. Jennee got really messed up the evening previous and couldn’t string a sentence together that day… I’m not sure how this helped, but clearly it did.
Step 2. Sarah also got really messed up the night before, but she just soldiered on and kept drinking through the day of the cook-off. I’m not sure how this helped either… I’m starting to think it may have just been me that gave them the advantage…
Step 3. They somehow managed to pull it together long enough to cook three cracking dishes. They went something like this;

Golden crusty goodness with chimmichurri
Golden crusty goodness with chimmichurri

BRAZIL – Chicken Empanadas with chimmichurri sauce
Good on the Brazilians for creating these things and a great pubic hair cut. Not quite the winner but devoured by all none-the-less.
3 cups plain flour
¼ teaspoon salt
160g unsalted butter, chilled and cut into 12 pieces
1 egg
4-5 tablespoons water
• Mix the flour and salt in a food processor
• Add the butter, egg and water until a clumpy dough forms
• To make the empanada dough by hand, follow the same instruction but use your hands to mix the ingredients together. To make it easier to incorporate the butter you can freeze it and then grate it into the flour mix
• Form a ball, flatten slightly, and chill in the refrigerator for about 30 minutes
• Roll out the dough into a thin sheet and cut out round disc shapes for empanadas (use round molds or a small plate)
Filling
2 chicken thighs chopped finely
1 onion chopped finely
2 garlic cloves chopped finely
1 teaspoon each cumin, paprika and garlic powder
½ cup water
Salt and pepper
• Fry off all ingredients except water until chicken is cooked
• Add water and braise until all ingredients are soft
• When cooled blitz slightly to make it a bit pasty to ensure easy assembly of pastries
• Boil a couple of eggs, peel and slice when cooled
• To assemble, put a teaspoon of chicken mix, and a slice of egg and roll pastry.
• Brush with oil and bake at 180 until golden brown… texture of sun!!!
• Serve with chimmichurri, which can be found here

Not sure what Sarah is doing here
Not sure what Sarah is doing here but she looks like she is enjoying herself
Pretty confident right there
Pretty confident right there
The coconut custard dessert
The coconut custard dessert

PAPUA NEW GUINEA – Paradise Dessert
This is a combination of a few things that are tropical and Paupa New Guinea-ish. A damn fine combo but still not quite hitting the number one spot.

Paradise Dessert
2 frozen bananas
Coconut crème fritters
Puffed black rice
Tamarind caramel

Coconut crème fritters
3 cups coconut cream
6 egg yolks
½ cup castor sugar
¾ cup corn flour
Zest of one lime
Rice flour, egg mix and desiccated coconut to coat
• In a small saucepan, warm the milk and lime zest over low heat until it is just hot enough to steam. While the milk is warming, whisk together the egg yolks, sugar, corn flour until the mixture is completely smooth.
• Once the milk is steaming, add half of it to the egg mixture, whisking constantly. Add the milk and eggs back into the hot milk, continue stirring, it will thicken so stir like a madman until it is thick. Put in fridge until it is cold and set .
• Once set, roll into balls then roll these balls in rice flour, then egg mix then desiccated coconut and deep fry until golden

Tamarind caramel
Soak 100g tamarind in hot water and then drain off liquid from seeds. Put liquid in pan with ½ cup sugar and slowly heat until it reaches a caramel consistency.

Banana sorbet
Blitz bananas in a food processor until it turns into ice cream – its delish… and easier than pie!!!!

Puffed rice
Shallow fry tablespoons of black rice until they puff. Drain and cool on kitchen towel.

To serve
Serve fried custards with caramel, rice and ice cream and think of yourself on a tropical island!

That's the salad
That’s the salad

MADAGASCAR – Pineapple and green papaya salad

Who would of thunk it? A simple little salad takes the winners podium. This thing was everything I like about food; simple, full of flavour and quite frankly, kick-ass. That’s about all I’ve got.
1 medium green papaya, shredded
1 medium pineapple, diced
5 Spring onions, sliced finely
1 handful coriander, chopped
½ tablespoon salt
1 teaspoon ground black pepper
1 teaspoon powdered chilli (less or more if you like it hotter or wimpier)
Juice of one big fat juicy lemon- or 2 small ones
Olive oil- about ¼ cup
• Combine all ingredients in a bowl and mix. Set aside for an hour or more for extra awesomeness… serve and wait for the compliments to come flowing in!

Another day, another cook-off

Another day, another cook-off

That’s right, another cook-off in our humble home. Something different, right?

Although a good cook-off may be a regular occurrence around these here parts, we have altered the terms with a slight global twist. Or quite literally a twist of the globe. Yes, I had another brilliant idea; we would close our eyes and spin the globe, placing our finger down on said globe to indicate the country we would be looking to for inspiration for a dish. One of a final three dishes that each team would be bringing to the table.

And the teams?

Well team Cootes would be made up of the stalwart of the local home cook-off scene, Jennee Cootes, and a ring in in the form of Jennee’s cousin, Sarah, who was passing through on her way from Sydney to Brisbane… and hella keen on a good feed. This girl was proper keen. Keen like the mustard. Keen like Geoffrey. Keen like some other really keen things.

Team Stockdale was looking a little lean on this day, and that is not purely because I have been steering away from the lusher side of eating. It was almost wholly due to the fact that I don’t have too many friends owing to my fascination with all things carnie… what can I say? I really enjoy rubbing myself down with a good fistful of the little suckers and because of this a lot of people say I smell offensive. Whatever general populous.

From lunchtime we were furiously prepping and cooking and we taunted each other as we went. “What does it look like?” I would say. “It looks like victory, doesn’t it?” or; “Smell that. Smells like success doesn’t it” and even; “Taste that. Tastes just like superiority doesn’t it?” They rebutted with some not so witty comments so I’ll do them a favour and leave it out… it’s the least I could do.

Win or lose, this was going to be a cook-off to remember…

I don't know what the hell is going on here
I don’t know what the hell is going on here

Team Cootes went in hard and it became immediately obvious that Sarah had a clear advantage; she was “piss fit”*, and Jennee and I were not. The previous night she had sneakily enticed Jennee and I into a game of “drink every bit of booze we have in the house”. Cheeky little girl. So the next day, coming into the challenge, she was fine, I was a little shady and Jennee, well Jennee was an effing hilarious little story all of her very own. She was in a bad way. She was disheveled, simpled and allergic to the brightness of the sun all in one. I taunted her and asked her things that were clearly too hard for her to answer at the time; “Where are you going? What are you doing? What is your name?” It was all just too hard…

Lamb kabouli
Lamb kabouli
Empanadas with chimmichurri
Empanadas with chimmichurri
The coconut custard dessert
The coconut custard dessert

To the food!

Team Stockdale drew the following… and clearly not the previous
Oman and it’s lamb kabouli
Mexico and smoked beef short ribs, mole sauce, charred tomato salsa picante
Venezaula and braised capsicums with prawns

Team Cootes
Papua New Guinea and new age take on some local flavours with fried coconut custard, banana ice cream, popped black rice and tamarind caramel
Brazil and chicken empanadas with chimmichurri
Madagascar and a green papaya and pineapple salad… I know. Get fucked eh?

At the end of the day we had cooked our asses off (some did more drinking than cooking) and all created some damn fine dishes, everyone of them well and truly edible, but there could be only one winner… unfortunately for the good name of the competition, the children were either coerced or bribed into a selected opinion and the voting in general was clouded by controversy a la the Western Australian state elections, so we will be recalling all voters and conducting a recount and it will most likely be months before the results can be announced…

Sorry is all I can say.

Recipes will follow shortly…

*piss fit. We trained in the art of drinking alcoholic beverages. Able to consume a lot of booze without being totally trash-bagged

Chocolate chip and goji berry cookies… and the kids go back to school

Obi wants them now
Obi wants them now

Today, Wednesday the 29th of January is a day of celebration. Today, at the chime of 9am, you shall hear the collective sigh of tens of thousands of parents of school aged children in New South Wales as they hand their kids over to the sometimes –dubious state school system. That’s right folks, the kids are back to school. One month of summer holidays has finally come to a close. No more “daaaad what can I do?” or “daaaad I’m hungry” or shitty cartoon theme songs (actually, I do mostly like the cartoons). No more kids eating away at each others ability to bare the pain of the others flickering, snake-like tongue. No more… well… ummm, they really are great kids (just like me when I was younger), but they have really had enough of hanging out with each other (and us) 24/7.

 

But with the promise of an end to the pain and suffering comes the dawning of another reality; school lunches. Time to pull our heads back into gear and into the routine of lunches, fruit break, snacks etc… and while we’re at it I really must remember I need to pick the kids up from the bus on the way home from work… shit, and canteen too.

 

So yesterday, in one final last ditch effort to keep a child amused for a minute or two, I decided we would make some cookies for the school lunch boxes (not because the school lunch boxes live and breath and have a penchant for eating cookies, but because that is what the kids take their lunch to school in).

 

Not being the owner of a noticeable or proud sweet tooth, I summoned the force that always helps me to conquer these obstacles… to climb higher, faster, stronger… my inner personal trainer and crème puff guardian angel… the force of… Jennee (ex-pastry chef and lover of sweet things. I guess that’s where I come into the picture). It was quite simple really, a quick call and next thing I know there is a message on my phone saying, and I quote, “check the emails bitch”. So check the emails I did. The recipe I received from Jennee seemed to be the goods, and I base this assumption on absolutely no cookie baking experience, but still I thought it could use a bit of the ol’ Grazza je ne sais quoi. So I changed a couple of things and these cookies still turned out pretty damn good. Nice and crunchy, chocolatey and goji-ish which are a few of the things I like to see in my cookies. Just don’t try and bake these puppies at 190C because they do get pretty dark pretty quickly. Lesson learned. Here’s how we rolled…

 

Press them onto oven trays lined with baking paper
Press them onto oven trays lined with baking paper
Nom, nom, nom. Where's my cup of tea, woman?
Nom, nom, nom. Where’s my cup of tea, woman?

Choc chip and goji berry cookies

150g unsalted butter, softened

½ cup caster sugar

½ cup brown sugar

1 teaspoon vanilla extract

1 egg

1 cup plain flour

¾ cup almond meal

½ cup dark chocolate chips

½ cup goji berries

  • Preheat a fan-forced oven to 150C
  • Cream the butter and sugar
  • Add egg and mix well
  • Add vanilla, flour and almond meal and mix well
  • Stir through choc chips and goji berries
  • Press cookies out into cookie sized type things and place on a lined baking tray, leaving 3cm space in between
  • Bake for 15 minutes at 150C
  • Cool and then eat, or eat straight from the oven and risk 3rd degree burns on the roof of your mouth from the molten lava chocolate
  • Don’t forget to save some for the kids lunch boxes

 

Love you boys. Have a great day!

Fathers Day and a bounty of bacon

Bacon roses are my favourite flowers ever
Bacon roses are my favourite flowers ever

This past Sunday was Fathers Day. I’m not sure if that shit has gone viral and all of the world does it or how it works so if I am stating a really obvious fact maybe, before you start writing your local MP about some ignorant dick from outback Austraaaalia, just chill the fuck out, sit back in your comfy chair with a nice big pile of 1970’s midget porn and a bottle of your mums best hand moisturiser and sort yourself out. And just remember; I don’t care if you think I’m stupid because you’re ugly and at least I can fix stupid… wait… errrr… ugly… umm… stupid can’t be fixed can it? Dammit!

So Fathers Day it was and I arrived, a year since we last celebrated this occasion, with two children still intact and accounted for. Magic. Always a good start.

They showered me with hand written cards stating that I was the best dad ever, and also and array of bacon based paraphernalia. What more could a man want? What’s that? A slap a dinner of pork belly with coleslaw and potato salad? Sure thing. That sounds like a truly effing great fitting finish to a great day. Which leads me, somewhat poorly, into a short story about my friend bacon.

Roast pork belly. Check
Roast pork belly. Check
My favourite sides. Check
My favourite sides. Check
Plate, fork, face. Check! Let's get this show on the road
Plate, fork, face. Check! Let’s get this show on the road
Jennee even made a Vienetta type thing because that's Dr Chris' favourite dessert
Jennee even made a Vienetta type thing because that’s Dr Chris’ favourite dessert
Bacon things to make my face smile
Bacon things that the boys picked out. Damn well love those kids

Bacon

It was a glorious day for all humanity the day that bacon was discovered, fantastic for the people but not so good for the pig. The pig was most likely previously left to its own devices, maybe even living amongst the human man as a companion, a friend. Maybe the pig was named Arthur. They would read books, go out for coffee and go for long walks on the beach together. At the time it was harmless fun but this seemingly harmless leisure time activity would spell the end for the ungodly relationship between man and pig and the beginning of breakfasts of bacon and what would become its new best friend, the egg. Lunches of bacon butties, crisp bacon in salads or maybe a nice steak wrapped in bacon. And dinner? Well dinner my friends, was more of the same. Yes it was unfortunate for our porcine friends that they had begun to “cure” themselves after many swims in the salty ocean “brine”. Then drying off the pig had inadvertently started to “cook” itself after falling asleep under the midday sun. The poor piggy awoke to the horrible shock of his longtime friend, Geoffrey, slicing him up for mans first bacon feast.

Since that day bacon has fed kings and queens, porters and paupers, white, black, jungle bunny and gigolo. It has bridged the language gap and crossed cultural borders, wars have been reasoned and solved with the help of a slice of bacon in the belly, many pages of the history books of the world have been written with pen in one hand and bacon in the other, bacon has been buried in time capsules and sent to the furthest reaches of our known universe in the hope that it will attract alien interest and to prove to them that we have some kind of intelligence going on.

In conclusion I would just like to say bacon is really good.

I like bacon and my children.

Thank you.