The WTF Hotdog

You gotta have sausage for a hotdog
You gotta have sausage for a hotdog. You also need sausage if you want to be a man… we shall concentrate on the hotdog today though

The more astute amongst you would have noticed that there was no “Jennee’s Sunday Spread” this week. That is because Jennee joined me in my kitchen this weekend as my kitchen hand was away and quite frankly, I just think she was keen to hang out with me a little more. So she certainly did not have the day to prepare her usual Sunday feast… plus she did consume a lot of alcoholic beverages the previous night. To say that she should not have been allowed to wield a knife on this day would not be a strong enough description of her condition. At one stage of the day I actually asked her to wield a real live knife, to which her response was a look of fear combined with what can only be described as delirious laughter. Not the response I was looking for, but we would carry on nonetheless.

I too was feeling crusty, but I damn well just had to deal with it. It was a straight up case of “we had made our bed and now we had to damn well lie in it”… even if it was a really shonky job of making the bed and the mattress had piss stains and other questionable textures on it. Our friend Em helped us make that bed though, and because of that we are more than happy to lay blame on our crustiness fair and square in her lap. You see, Em has recently purchased a house (which shall be known as our “mattress”) so felt it was only fitting that she should have a house warming party. Sure thing. Who wouldn’t? We thought we would stay for a few drinks (which we will later call our “sheets” and there shall be three of them and they shall be to the wind*) and then be back home in bed at a decent hour as we both had to work the next morning.

Needless to say, we had more than a few drinks (sheets), we did not go to bed at a decent hour (doona), and it’s all Em’s fault.

Anyway, several hours after I got my ragged ass to work, Jennee appeared. Damn. I had forgotten how much Jennee can annoy the shit out of me when she working with a hangover. It was like working with the offspring of a monkey and a galah that someone had trained to dance around and poke me and taunt me with silly words. That woman is seriously just effing disastrous. Some may say it is my comeuppance for being quite annoying on a daily basis but those people who say that should just shut their damn cake holes!

Anyway, the short of the story is that she survived the day, just. But there was no way in hell there was going to be a Sunday feast coming from Jennee… just mumbles and disenchanted sighs.

So I shall tell you about a hotdog we had last week.

I had mine with the lot
I had mine with the lot

This was not the humble hotdog I remember from my youth. I have memories of some kind of bright red sausage shaped thing of un-disclosed origin, pulled from the swampy looking steamy water and then slapped into a warm bun and doused in tomato sauce (or ketchup… sometimes I like to clarify things like this as I do realise that the audience of this blog has reached numbers larger than three or four, and are from all corners of the globe. Corners of the globe? Where the fuck did that come from? Corners of the round globe? Oh dear me… Deary deary dear me… I need to move on…).

Nom nom nom
Nom nom nom

Well the days of the humble hotdog are nothing but a distant memory to present day Grazza, as now, if I am delving into the world of hotdog, I shall be delving into the world of the WTF hotdog (yes his moniker was gained from his close relative the WTF Nachos. This shall also be the moniker given to any old school junk food I tamper with and bring back from the brink of a sad, sad culinary death). This is one souped up dawg. This hotdog walks into my home as a 1978 Datsun 120Y, and hits the table looking looking like a Maserati… a black one with bum warmers in the seats and espresso maker on the dash. It has even been tampered with by the guys from “Pimp my ride” so now it has a custom sun deck and spa…

It’s hard to tell where the sense ends and the dribble begins some days…

Cut it in half if you can't fit the beast in your face. I did it purely to show you what was going on in there...
Cut it in half if you can’t fit the beast in your face. I did it purely to show you what was going on in there…

WTF HOTDOG with sauerkraut, onion jam, cheese, pickled cucumber relish, tomato sauce & yellow mustard
Bratwurst sausages (you need at least one each, but definitely two if you’ve got a little booze flowing through your system)
Hotdog buns (a similar amount to the sausages would be good)
Home made sauerkraut, onion jam, tomato sauce and cucumber relish (recipe below), to serve
Store bought cheese and yellow mustard, to serve
• Get all of your condiments ready if you are making them yourself
• Get your bratwurst cooking
• Wrap buns in alfoil and warm in a low oven for 10 minutes. Turn oven off and leave buns in there until sausages are ready
• Grate cheese
• Warm sauerkraut or don’t. That’s up to you
• Put it all on the table and let everyone go crazy
• WTF!

Pickled cucumber relish
Jennee spoke of a relish they put on their hotdogs in America. I didn’t really know what she was talking about so I made this up… it worked just fine.
½ cup chopped pickles/cornichons/gerkins
½ brown onion, diced
1 jalapeno, chopped
• Put all of those ingredients in the food processer and pulse until you are happy with the consistency

*three sheets to the wind. To be drunk or inebriated.

Steak with onion jam and washed rind cheese

Mmmm
Mmmm

Steak with onion jam and washed rind cheese

Are you at home eating your dinner on the couch and watching a movie?

No? Well I am… learn a little something from that.

Rib eye steak with onion jam and washed rind cheese is easy, yet a little bit classy, much like the up town girl who’s had one to many Dom Perignons’. It tastes damn fine (still baring similarity to the up town girl) and all it needs is a little salad on the side. No! don’t go putting duck fat kipfler potatoes or pommes boulangerie with this one. You will have an actual heart attack if you do that. A simple salad with some peppery notes, a little bit of sharpness and a load of cheffy wank. It is that easy! And don’t be afraid to use this recipe to jazz up your next steak sandwich – maybe with a bit of fennel ‘slaw (just for Pauly) and home made bbq sauce…

A nice piece of steak is a good start
A nice piece of steak is a good start
Mmmm
Mmmm
Mmmm
Mmmm

Steak gratinated with onion jam and washed rind cheese

  • Cook the steak in a very similar fashion to how you would normally cook a steak (make sure the steak is thick so as to avoid over cooking), except don’t cook one side as much as you’d like it cooked
  • Top the under-cooked side with onion jam (recipe here) and washed rind cheese, I used hashtag #bangalowcheesewashedrind but taleggio works excellently too, and then place under your pre-heated really hot griller (not gorilla… even I still need one of those) for one minute
  • Rest for 5 or so
  • Eat it on the couch with “Sleepless in Seattle” on the big screen and a box of Kleenex* near by

*registered trademark

Burgers a la Jennee

;

I am clearly not the only person who can cook in this household. And I am certainly not the only person who can cook a burger.

Jen, my wife can cook. She is a damn fine cook actually. Until recently we had worked in kitchens together ever since we met (a lot depends on this number I am about to insert here)… Err… Eleven years ago. A regular little effing kitchen romance.

Yeah boy. The best of both worlds. Or not (let’s just say tempers can and will flair at any given moment in the heat of a kitchen), depending on who you talk to. But that’s a story for another time…

The point of this being nil but you still seam to be reading so I shall provide your eager eyes and ever-ready taste buds with a recipe.

When I say Jennee likes to cook, I guess I mean she likes to try and out-cook me. Which is fine because I have found the food gods and I am at one with my cooking ability. In short, I am one zen-assed mofo. It just means I get to eat good food on a more regular basis. Yeeha.

You defo get extra points if you can rock the homemade rolls.

;

What you need to make burgers a la Jennee…
Seasoned beef mince (150-200g per person)
Rolls (1 per person seams to be the go. Jen made hers just because she can, and it makes her look heaps OG)
Onion jam (yeah she made that too)
Sliced cheese
Lettuce
Grated fresh beetroot – nice touch
Grated carrot
Cucumber
Mayonnaise and tomato sauce
Oven roasted potato wedges to serve

Potato wedges
Potatoes, scrubbed and cut into wedges
Mixed dried herbs
Chilli flakes
Seasoning
Oil
Coat the potato wedges in oil
Sprinkle with all of the other stuff
Bake on a lined tray for 40-ish minutes at 200C

onion jam, chilli capsicum chutney and my mates Charlie and Jess

CHARLIE AND JESS

This is the breakfast I made for my friends Charlie and Jess (this is the third Jess on my list of pretend friends. Sorry about the unwillingness to engage the part of my brain that could help with that).

They are really nice people and I’m not sure what a blog is by definition but this blog is about Charlie as Jess’ breakfast today. That’s it.

Charlie is vegetarian so he got a triple egg, triple cheese Charlie burger deluxe. The funny thing is he had a short stint of being not vegetarian last year when he became secretly addicted to cheeseburgers from McDonald’s, and only cheese burgers from McDonald’s. He would order two or three at a time and eat them really fast so he didn’t feel so dirty about it. He was a vegeMctarian. He assures me that he is again resting conscience-free in the arms of hippiness, or a solely vegetable diet… with the odd splash of special gravy.

Jess eats anything (Yeah. I said anything), so she got the half a pound of pig with egg and cheese-o-saraus burger. Both with capsicum chilli chutney, onion jam and leaves from the back garden.

I am happy to report that they were both extremely happy with the result, and henceforth we shall remaineth friends.

Cheering and party noises go here.

CAPSICUM CHILLI CHUTNEY
This is good on burgers, terrine, cheese and stuff.
2 tins crushed tomatoes
6 long red chilli, deseed*, slice
1 brown onion, peeled, med dice
6 red capsicum, med dice
1 tablespoon grated ginger
5 cloves garlic, fine dice
500g brown sugar
100ml fish sauce
250ml red wine vinegar
• Put a heavy based pot on the stove
• Saute chilli, onion, capsicum, ginger and garlic until softened
• Add sugar and cook out until starting to bubble and caramelise
• Add tomatoes, fish sauce and vinegar
• Simmer for 45(ish) minutes on med heat, until starting to thicken and bubble like lava

ONION JAM
Put it on a steak with a lump of taleggio cheese and grill for 30 seconds for a kickass meal that you will not regret giving to your face to eat.
3kg brown onions, peeled and sliced
1 cup brown sugar
1 cup balsamic vinegar
• Sweat off your onions with a bit of oil and a teaspoon of salt, in a large, heavy based pot (you really need that heavy based thing of beauty for this type of chutney and jam making caper. No wait. Don’t listen to me. Just keep trying this in your old tin can pot and wonder why it always burns and sticks to the base)
• Cook them on a low heat for about half an hour, stirring often
• Add sugar and cook out until bubbling and almost sticking to the base
• Add vinegar and simmer for a further 10-15 minutes, until thick and awesome looking just like “The Hoff”

*leave the seeds in if you like it hot. Add more chillis if you like it really hot. Douse it in booze and set fire to it if you like it really really hot.