How to make mayonnaise… with the Mayonnaise Nazi

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The Mayonnaise Nazi

“Who is that man in the red mask? That devilishly tall, handsome masked man? The one with the Hitler moustache? The guy who is constantly harping on about how everyone in this world and the next should be making their own mayonnaise…”

OK folks, I stand before you as my blogland audience today to tell you that masked man is in fact me… and that mask is not a mask at all, just a cleverly styled combination of chest and facial hair… well, I may have used a glue stick, too.

“What is this crazy crusade all about?” I hear you ask. “Why do you keep insisting that I should be making my own mayonnaise? I’m not a fucking chef! I work, I have a family, kids yell at me and demand their dinner and I’m in training for shot put at the next Paralympics. In short, I have no time to make mayonnaise.”

Well I’m here to tell you right now folks; YOU CAN MAKE YOUR OWN EFFING MAYONNAISE. It takes two minutes out of your busy schedule if you have the right gear.

“Oi mate,” I hear pipe up again when clearly you should just sit back and listen. “I told you already, I’m not a fucking chef.”

But my friend, you don’t need to be. Sure I’ve been making my own mayonnaise for a few years now (insert your own over-due sexual innuendo here please), but once you know how, it will seriously take you two minutes a go… both versions.

First, you need a stick wizz… a wizz stick (that’s a hand blender and certainly not your girlfriend’s new vibrator). They are available at K-Mart, Big W, Harvey Normans, Retravision – any home appliance selling type store. It will cost you 40 or so bucks for a cheap one, which will do the job just fine… as long as that job is emulsifying mayonnaise or maybe pureeing a soup or two. If you try to mulch a dead body with your stick wizz you are setting yourself up for an epic fail. And quite frankly, I think you deserve to get your stupid ass busted.

Secondly, you need to have some vegetable/blended/something neutral oil in the cupboard, some eggs in the fridge (keeping chooks will maintain a steady supply), mustard, something acidic like vinegar or lemon and salt and pepper. Too hard? Leave now. Get back to your stupid life and we’ll pretend this conversation never happened.

A good start
A good start
An even better start
An even better start
Trickle trickle. Seba was pouring the oil a little quicker than he should have been but I've got the skills to hold it together
Trickle trickle. Seba was pouring the oil a little quicker than he should have been but I’ve got the skills to hold it together
Slap that on a loaf of Mighty White and take yourself to white trash heaven
Slap that on a loaf of Mighty White and take yourself to white trash heaven

My basic mayonnaise, when it comes down to the bare bones, works something like this;
1 egg
1 egg yolk
1 teaspoon of any kind of mustard. It’s just like sex; try a few options to find your preferred choice. But definitely DO NOT use mustard as a lubricant while having sex. Mustard is not a toy, my friend… not a toy
1 tablespoon apple cider vinegar or some other kind of vinegar or lemon juice. Once again, it’s just like sex
250ml-ish oil
Salt and pepper
• Put everything except oil into a vessel that will hold it. Get out your stick wizz and prepare yourself for the magic that is about to happen
• Start blitzing the eggy mix and, with the wizz stick running (do not stop that puppy for any reason), slowly start adding your oil to the mix. Just a little trickle, but keep it going. By the last few drops of oil your mix should have thickened into what we shall call mayonnaise and you, my friend, have just made an emulsion*. Magic. You are a kitchen alchemist
• If your mayonnaise is a little thick for your liking add a teaspoon or so of water until it is the desired consistency. Check the seasoning and adjust if necessary and BAM! You have mayonnaise
• Pretty painless eh…
• Now you’re all set to go off and make all sorts of flavoured mayos; aioli, tartare, marie rose, seeded mustard, saffron, whatever

*e·mul·sion

[ih-muhl-shuhn]  

noun

1.Physical Chemistry . any colloidal suspension of a liquid in another liquid.
2.Such a suspension used in cosmetics.
3.Pharmacology . a liquid preparation consisting of two completely immiscible liquids, one of which, asminute globules coated by a gum or other mucilaginous substance, is dispersed throughout theother: used as a means of making a medicine palatable.

Another day, another cook-off part 2

It was all about the beef ribs for me...
It was all about the beef ribs for me…

The dishes of Grazza McFilthy Mouth

So, as I previously promised you fine folks (hell yeah I’m talking to you) that I would post recipes for the dishes we cooked in our now legendary cook-off this week, I feel somewhat obliged to actually come through with the goods. I will put myself under un-necessary pressure to get this to the screen in front of you (or possibly behind you if you are a strange troupe of carnival folk who reside illegally in a crazy House of Mirrors and have subsequently taught yourselves to read back-to-front and upside-down) so you may read it now. Damn my inner decent human. Damn his britches…

Prawns with capsicum and feta
Prawns with capsicum and feta

VENEZUALA – braised capsicum, chilli, prawns and feta
I got hold of some super looking king prawns or shrimp or whatever the rest of the world calls them, and they made the dish. It was a very tasty combo but not quite good enough to woo a podium appearance from the judges… I pretty much followed this recipe here, except I used red and green capsicums, which was a course of action that probably made my dish very un-traditional. I don’t care; it was damn tasty, which works for me.

Lamb kabouli
Lamb kabouli

OMAN – lamb kabouli
This dish is good. So good in fact, they gave it a special name all of it’s own; the lamb kabouli. I used this recipe right here and it worked fine for me. The Omani spice mix was a cracker, aromatic with cardamom, cumin and coriander, a bit of heat from the cayenne and a nice sharp hit from the vinegar. I didn’t have any rose water though, so I didn’t use the required ½ cup… I could not have forced myself to put that much rose water in anyhow… maybe that’s why this dish didn’t win me the gold either.

MEXICO – grilled beef short ribs, mole sauce, charred salsa picante
This was going to win it for me for sure. This was bringing home the gold like an old Ford pick-up truck with a full load of boarder jumpers heading to the U S of A. There wasn’t a chance in hell this was not going to win… except that it didn’t. Whatever. It still won it my eyes… I was like the mother of a red-headed child… my little baby was always winning in my eyes… my darling baby. More on the winning dish later…

Beef ribs getting saucy
Beef ribs getting saucy
Ah, those ribs
Ah, those ribs

BEEF RIBS WITH MOLE SAUCE (for 4)
1.5kg beef short ribs
1 cinnamon quill
80g mexican chocolate (if you can’t get hold of it use 40g dark chocolate or a tablespoon of dutch cocoa)
2x 400g tin diced tomatoes

the paste
2 corn tortilla, grilled or roasted with a little oil until brown
80g raisins or sultanas
80g almonds, roasted
¼ cup pepitas, roasted
1 tablespoon sesame seeds, roasted
1 tablespoon coriander seed, roasted and ground
4 cloves, ground
4 cloves garlic
2-4 dried long red chillis (depending on how hot you like it), soaked in hot water for 20 minutes
½ cup water from the pot you simmered the ribs in
• Simmer the beef ribs in a pot of water for 2 hours or until they are tender
• Blitz ingredients for almond paste until it nice and pasty like your chefs’ tan
• Fry paste off in a little oil until you are starting to detect delicious aromas with your nose. Yep. I’m afraid I’ve put your nose in charge of this one
• Add all other ingredients and chuck some salt and pepper in there too.
• Simmer for 30 minutes, stirring regularly so the fruit and nuts don’t burn
• Check seasoning and adjust if neccessary
• Baste the ribs with the sauce and roast at 180C for 15-20 minutes, until they are starting to caramelise and look sexy
• Serve with extra sauce, rice, warm tortillas, salsa picante (recipe below), coriander and lime

SALSA PICANTE
4 ripe tomatoes, charred over a flame until they start to blacken and blister
1 eshallot or half a red onion, bruniose
2 cloves garlic, crushed
1 pickled jalepeno chilli, chopped
1 tablespoon of the jalepeno vinegar
a small handful of coriander, chopped
seasoning
• Peel the blackened skin from the tomatoes
• Put everything into a food proccesser and pulse into a chunky salsa type thing

A steak sandwich just so I get to use my homemade tomato sauce

Sweet, sweet steak sandwichy goodness. Stab it with a knife so you look like a boss
Sweet, sweet steak sandwichy goodness. Stab it with a knife so you look like a boss… and eat it with beer

As I stated in the title of this piece, this steak sandwich happened to come into my possession purely for the purpose of carrying my home made tomato sauce to my face. I could’ve just drank it but, quite frankly, that shit just looks plain wrong.

Make a steak sandwich exactly like you would make a steak sandwich. I had mine with a big, fat-as-your-middle-aged-ass rump steak, coleslaw (you surely know how to make that by now if you’re into this blog), slightly pickled (just like me) grated beetroot (I’m pretty sure you’ve got that sorted too), cheese and home made tomato sauce… I guess it would be pretty average if the whole purpose of this post was to do something with the tomato sauce and I didn’t even use it. I put all of that between a couple of pieces of grilled sour dough bread just so I could call this sandwich a sandwich. Yeah, it’s amazing what a man will do to achieve a result these days…

The thing that should be noted right now is the fact that this is all about the tomato sauce/ketchup/whatever. This is something that I have been working on for a few years now… just like my belly… and my carnie collection (both living and dried)… and my ability to amuse passers by with my boyish wit and charm… Seriously though, home made tomato sauce has been perplexing me for years. It had an actual Grazza proof hex on it that prevented me from ever knowing its ways. The recipe for tomato sauce was hidden from my eyes, deep with-in a gypsy’s booty chest, buried on a desert island full of hippies, right underneath the oldest naked hippy girl with the longest arm hair. As I said; a place where I would never be able to find it… until now. That’s right. I have cracked my seven year itch and now have the ability to make kick-ass tomato sauce. In your face seven year itch bitch! And heed these words that are shared with you via my finger and the keys on my laptop and the interweb super highway; it is not a recipe that is easy for me to give up, but… no use taking the thing to the effing grave with me. It’s not like I have a cute little white goatee, colonel status and a perchent for fried chicken. Although, I must say, I do enjoy good fried chicken…

So here we go, and if you think it looks like it has a lot of sugar in it that’s because it does. Three cups of that sweet, sweet shimmering goodness to one and a half kilos of tomatoes… plus it has maple syrup too. Ooh la la.

Make it. Make it now.

I grilled a 1kg piece of rump (a little overkill, but we looked after it) and then sliced it on the diagonal
I grilled a 1kg piece of rump (a little overkill, but we looked after it) and then sliced it on the diagonal
Once again, like a boss
Once again, like a boss
Seba devoured the hell out of his
Seba devoured the hell out of his
Tomato sauce. Cute bottle...
Tomato sauce. Cute bottle…

TOMATO SAUCE
1.5kg ripe tomatoes (the same amount of tomato passata will do the trick)
1 brown onion, diced
6 cloves garlic, peeled and crushed
1 long red chilli, chopped
2 cloves
5 drops Tabasco sauce
3 cups sugar
¼ cup maple syrup
1.5 cups white wine vinegar
• Soften onions and garlic in a little oil
• Add everything else and simmer slowly for an hour
• Blitz and pass (or just blitz really well. I don’t like chunky bits in my tomato sauce, they go in the toilet after a big nice on “the juice”)
• Check viscosity by placing a tablespoon of sauce into the fridge to set
• If it needs to be a little thicker return to heat until desired consistency is achieved
• Season with salt and pepper
• Bottle that shit up for your next hamburger, bbq or cheese sandwich

There’s no such thing as a free lunch…

It was a damn good lunch, but free it was not
It was a damn good lunch, but free it was not

Over Christmas and new years we had the pleasure of the company of our good friends, Troppo and Lexi. They stayed for a lunch or two and a good catch up old skool styleez (that involved many beers, heaps of food, board games, kuncho and many, many laughs). While they were here Jennee got it into her head that we would paint the house… yeah, paint the house. I like to oblige Jennee when she sees that crazy big light bulb above her head, but paint the house… bloody hell woman!

Troppo's sanding attire
Troppo’s sanding attire
Safety Jennee
Safety Jennee
Lexi...
Lexi…
A well deserved drinky when we were done. And what better place for a drinky then on the roof. Safety never takes a holiday around here...
A well deserved drinky when we were done. And what better place for a drinky then on the roof. Safety never takes a holiday around here…

Anyway, the plan came off for Jennee, as we do now own one freshly painted house. This is how simple it was.

Jennee: “We were thinking we might paint the house. Would you guys be keen if we provide the food and drinks?”

Troppo: “Sounds good. I need to try more handy man type shit.”

Three days later we were done.

This was the painters lunch…

Cheesey goodness
Cheesey goodness
Pork and giblet terrine. Extra sexy styles
Pork and giblet terrine. Extra sexy styles

Pork and duck heart and liver terrine
1kg pork mince
4-5 duck livers, trimmed and diced
4-5 duck hearts, diced
1 brown onion, diced finely (bruniose)
2 cloves garlic, crushed, micro planed or pounded
2 tablespoons picked thyme
a bay leaf
1 cup red wine, port, brandy or marsala
1 teaspoon white pepper
1 tablespoon salt
12 or so rashers of bacon, prosciutto or speck
• Sauté the onion and garlic in butter until translucent. Deglaze pan with booze. Add bay leaf and reduce until almost dry
• Remove bay leaf and set aside to cool
• Once onion is cool, combine everything except bacon and mix thouroughly. Now put that in the fridge while you line your terrine dish, or ready your bacon for the extra sexy stlyes.
• If you are using a terrine dish, line it with enough bacon side by side so when the mix is in there you will be able to wrap it totally with bacon. Now fill the dish with the mix so it is about 1cm over the top. Pat it down with your hand to push any air pockets out. Tap it on the bench a couple of times so you look like a pro. Fold the bacon ends over the top of the terrine and bake in a pre-heat 180C oven for about 45 minutes. Check the center temperature with a thermometer, you want it to be about 70C or so. Refrigerate overnight or for a few days to really let the flavours get to know each other… who knows, they may find love…
• If you would like the extra sexy style cylindrical terrine you will need to lay a large piece of glad wrap (cling film or whatever the rest of the world calls it) on the bench. Now lay 6-7 pieces of bacon side by side about 2cm from the front edge of the grad wrap. Make sure you leave a 2cm border on the sides as well (don’t ask questions, just do it. The answer should become apparent when you roll it). Now lay half the mix on the end of the bacon closest to you and form it into a big sausage. Using the glad wrap like a sushi mat, roll the bacon around the terrine. Keep rolling until the entire glad wrap is encasing the terrine sausage. Now pinch it at the ends and keep rolling so it gets super tight and compact like the virgin midget carnie. Now wrap it again in another piece of glad wrap and tie it at the ends just to be sure it’s sealed. Do it all again with the rest of the mix. Poach or steam terrine for 45 minutes or until 70C in the center. Set in the fridge overnight etc

Eat with cheese, pickles, green tomato chutney (recipe here), more cheese, cauliflower pickles (recipe here), pate and bread

This is a great way to appreciate a bit of offal if you currently believe that you do not appreciate offal. Or you can leave the offal out if you are a total pussy.

CHICKEN BURGERS by Jennee

The weapon
The weapon (I’m not fricking shy of mayo on my burger)

I am sitting on the verandah, which is one of my all time favourite places to hang out after a hard day at work, watching all of the busy people drive by. It makes me smile. I’m smiling. Now I’m laughing. Laughing loudly like a mad scientist. Now I’ve had a valium and I’m a little more relaxed… Anyhow, I was drinking a tasty beverage or two (the aforementioned tasty beverage may be the holy amber fluid that takes memories from teenagers in the same vicious breath that it offers them crazy sex in the park out the back of the after-ball party), pondering my lack of energy and care factor today, and also the meal that shall be presented to me tonight.

That is well and truly enough about me.

Jennee has declared that we shall be eating chicken burgers with the same marinade she did last night (I must confess the vodka may have erased that memory while I was sleeping), bacon (effing luuuurve bacon on a burger… or just in my face), she mentioned something crazy about pineapple ‘slaw (which, to be absolutely honest, kinda freaked me out a little bit) and I think there was talk of chips… although I may have just made that last bit up…

The end result? I think when all was said and done (and burgers eaten and all that), the burger was almost nothing like what she had mentioned earlier. Except it did have the same marinade from last night… apparently. It was damn fine though… damn, damn fine.

Grill the chicken
Grill the chicken
And then grill the pineapple
And then grill the pineapple
Don't necessarily pretend the pineapple is covers for your boobs
Don’t necessarily pretend the pineapple is covers for your boobs
Ready to go, but not quite fully pumped... needs some sides
Ready to go, but not quite fully pumped… needs some sides
All the goodies ready and raring to go!
All the goodies ready and raring to go!
Herby mayo, home made styleez punk
Herby mayo, home made styleez punk
An abolsute weapon I tell ya
An abolsute weapon I tell ya

CHICKEN BURGERS WITH ALL THE GOODS (for 4)

2 large free range chicken breasts sliced into escalopes (thin fillets), marinated in rosemary, paprika and some other stuff (recipe below)
4 rashers bacon
4 slices fresh pineapple
4 buns (we had Turkish rolls and they were quite tasty indeed)
lettuce, tomato, cheese, pickled chilli, herby mayo (recipe below)
• Grill the chicken breasts, on a cook top or bbq (Get your freedom of choice right here!), for 2-3 minutes each side until done. Set aside and cover with foil to keep warm
• Now grill the bacon and pineapple, and the buns if you like them toasted. I like toasty buns… mmmm
• Put everything out on the table for everyone to make their own burgers the way they want them

Marinade
1 tablespoon each paprika, chopped rosemary, lemon zest, sesame seeds
2 tablespoons olive oil
• Mix to combine

Herby mayo
1 cup of homemade (recipe here) or good store bought mayo
1 cup mixed herbs (I had my old faves; basil, parsley and mint), chopped
1 tablespoon capers, chopped
• Mix to combine

Poached fish and potato salad with dill ranch dressing…

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No witty caption today

It is a cruel hot sun out there at the moment. It’s the kind of sun that turns old people into stone when it’s rays hit their frail skin and burns small children to a cinder… and then it walks away laughing. I didn’t even need to use salt on the food in the kitchen today as we seasoned the hell out of every dish with our own sweat. I have lost so much weight I fear my children won’t recognize me when I return home. It’s effing hot.

My brain cannot possibly continue with this witty repertoire. I think it has actually started to mellllllllt… downward spiral.

Here is something I made today while my brain was still functioning.

Brain too hot
Brain too hot

POACHED FISH & POTATO SALAD (per person)
80-100g of your favourite fish, poached or baked or fried until just cooked, and then broken into chunks
¼ cup diced, cooked potato
10 small croutons* (you know. That crunchy cooked bread shit)
10 half disks of carrot
8 slices radish
enough dill ranch dressing to coat. 1-2 tablespoons will be good (recipe follows)
• Mixy mixy everything together
• Eat
• It’s still too hot
• My beer is already warm dammit (and I’m not a very slow drinker)

DILL RANCH DRESSING
1 cup mayonnaise
¾ cup buttermilk
¼ cup sour cream
½ teaspoon salt
½ teaspoon white pepper
1 tablespoon finely diced onion
½ teaspoon crushed garlic
1 pinch dried thyme
1 tablespoon chopped dill
1 tablespoon finely chopped parsley

*Make your croutons out of gluten free bread if you are gluten intolerant. Smart